I'm Aurora Soul, just your ordinary everyday pony with a lot of good ideas for fanfics. I am new to the writing scene and hope to get better as time progresses and with your help.
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Starswirls spell was finally completed thanks to Twilight Sparkle. But was it really supposed to do this?
In a world where Twilight was never born, she must throw away everything she once knew about her friends and Equestria. She must unite the elements again and take down the evil tyrant that now rules.
That way everything goes back to normal, right?...
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Interesting start. It's rarely a bad idea to put established characters outside of their expectations.
Might want to work on not repeating the same words so much, checking tenses, and going over sentences a day after writing them to pick out mistyped words though.
Just as an example...
Also, check how you are using commas. One of the best ways to watch out for simple comma errors is to look for pairs of them. It won't fix everything, but it can help to eliminate some confusion and pacing issues.
If you can remove the words between the commas in a sentence, like these words here, there is a good chance that the comma pair is okay.
That last sentence is an example of a good comma pair.
If you aren't sure, it's not too hard to skip, to the next comma and see if it still makes sense.
That last sentence is an example of a bad comma pair.
Just an example...
Reads strangely if you remove the embedded part:
But could be:
But it could be improved even more by matching tenses and filling in word-gaps:
Don't stop. Run with it. Play with it. Read stories you enjoy and pick apart how those authors get their stories across. Look for how they change words. Explore how moments of intense emotion or danger are expressed in the writing. Toss the ideas around and see how they flow between paragraphs and chapters. You'll learn more from taking apart stories you love than from brute-forcing your way through a story and then trying to find your typos (trust me on that one... it's not pretty when I have to re-read my own when I'm sure I caught all the problems).
I like the idea, just needs a bit of polish to make it shine.
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Great^^ thank you so much for the comments and I'll be sure to employ these tactics and yea, I know about the grammer one. Not my best subject ever.
Mind if I use any of these corrections?
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By all means, feel free to use any or all of them.
Just keep at it and have fun. In the end, that is what this place is all about.
Great start! You grabbed my attention.
Ooookay...
This seems to be interesting.
Some grammar-issues, but Storm Dancer pointed them out I think.
But why the downvotes?
Its promising so far. So -
TO THE BATCAVE... erm - tracking-shelf.5958149
5958963
Thank you two so much
and yes Pankrazius I know about the grammer issues. I'm working on that in the next chapter so hopefully it's a little better.
5958963 I agree. This seems like an awful lot of downvotes.
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You'll just have to cope with it, I guess. Keep it up!
Can't wait for the next chapter. Keep it up!
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thank you all kindly^^
I'm working on editing the two chapters here and will hopefully have the next two out here soon.
BIG shoutout to Scootareader for editing and proofreading btw
I think a period after 'right here' would make sense.
Twilight's Final Journey
Grammar score: Apple/Avacado (I'm pretty awful at editing, I reported the mistake I noticed)
Pros: Premise puts characters out of their comfort zone, allowing for an alternate view on their core personalities.
Cons: I'm not entirely sure I agree with Twilight's cast so far, though it's still early into the story. I feel like denial and bargaining would come long before anger in her coping process. Why isn't she trying to fix it with magic? It probably wouldn't work, but it's something I'd expect her to try, especially since magic caused it.
Comments: Be strong! I see the story has a heap of negative votes, but mine shall not be one of them. This story could be something awesome, so stick with it and keep on writing as your muse demands.
Somewhere, the sound of a leaky roof could be heard.
Do leaky roofs make a sound or does water dripping through a leaky roof make a sound?
---
After running as far as her legs could carry her, Twilight sat down tears in her eyes as her eyes wandered the deserted town.
I know what you meant but it still feels like her eyes got out and wandered around the town.
Maybe this is better?
After running as far as her legs could carry her, Twilight sat down. Tears filled her eyes as she looked over the deserted town.
---
She had been through the entirety of Ponyville, and nothing but ruins remained, her friends had all seemed to abandon her along with her teacher.
This is more of a logic issue.
Celestia does not live in Ponyville, so why does Twilight think that Celestia abandoned her?
---
When you finish writing, walk away from your story for a few days.
This way your brain can forget about your story and you can see whats really there.
Reading your work aloud is a very good way to catch awkward phrasing and missing words.
Really.
---
Don't worry about the downvotes, you have a nice number of upvotes.
Twilight finally woke up groggily.
Being groggy is like being half asleep.
How can you wake up half asleep?
You can wake up from being half asleep.
---
She realized she was laying down with her head propped up on her front hooves in front of a fire with a small blanket wrapped around her.
I think its lying but I am not sure.
---
She felt a hoof on her shoulder and she looked up into its owner(')s face.
---
Twilight was greeted with a jagged scar running down the left side of the mare’s face.
this sounds a little off
How about
Twilight was greeted with the sight of a jagged scar running down the left side of the mare’s face.
---
Twilight’s eyes widened as she realized she was staring at the mangled face of
You need something at the end of that sentence but I don't know what.
---
Do you have a proofer/editor?
You should get one. I mean this not as an attack.
He/she can help you find your weak spots and strengthen your story.
There are groups where you can get one and sometimes you could just ask for help.
Some groups don't like threads asking for help while others are fine with it.
Keep banging away.
I am going to put this one my bookshelf because I would like to know how the situation goes.
If you have questions, you can also ask me.
I am not the best editor though.
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Thanks for the heads up on those mistakes. I'm actually currently moving around and fixing a few things with the pacing and stuff like that as I work on the next chapter.
I do have an editor but with school ending and things we both have been hard pressed to write and correct. I'll be going over these chapters soon and correcting things.
Ever want to help though I'd greatly appreciate it
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Send me a message if you need help.
I have more time on weekends.
Ok... took me a long while to read the second chapter. Sorry for this.
As you asked for critique in your notes - here goes:
The story had a strong start and is becoming more interesting.
Personally I don't like the idea of Celestia being dead. It's because dark and sad adventurous stories like this need rewarding, possibly happy end. And with Celestia gone, it would be hard. So far I am hoping, that this is just the information the ponies have and not the truth. So let's see where this lead.
For your grammar: It seems you don't like punctuation. I mean there are lots of sentences just ending without any period. I think there are some commas missing too. You should check for this (as the chapter is a few weeks old, you should get more errors now, as your brain already has forgotten what you wanted to write, and therefore it won't add missing parts automatically).
But all in all, your story has potential to become really really great - keep up your work, dear author.