BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE LET THE GALAXY BURN!!!!
peturabo was always alone from the moment the emperor made him to the point when he joined Horus how would having the element of magic as a friend change that or would that add another weapon to the iron warriors already massive arsenal
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This was proofread?
*checks* O.K., the story itself seems to be fine, but the title, description, and author’s notes are all red flags — you can not afford to do either of the first two half‐arsed and since the author’s notes are at the very beginning of the chapter you can’t skimp there either.
5941490 the title and description was done by my younger cousin
5941494
Alright, I understand, but my point stands. Plenty of people won’t even click on the story without the first two at least being correct, and many who do will run when they see the author’s note because they won’t even bother reading past it to see that, yes, the story has actually been proofread. Some of those will down‐vote based upon those factors alone.
5941518 i have moved the authors note to the bottom
...alright, let me be positive first. This is just the sort of work I have been looking for- a story in which a Primarch meets some of our favorite ponies before/during the The Horus Heresy. Seriously, its a great concept and I am pleased to see it being carried out.
However...
1.) Malal/Malice? Really sure you want to use him for this? I mean I like him as much as the next guy who also mourns things like Squats, Zoats, Land Trains, and such but out of all the Chaos gods to pick to torment Equestria you went with Malice? His domain is self-loathing and overthrowing of oppression; he is literally fed by hatred for Chaos. He only tends to poke his head into matters that deal with fighting Chaos...granted by using Chaos but still I have a point. He isn't antagonistic unless you are a cultist to one of the Big Four or are trying to kill him.
You still have time I am sure to go and change Malal out for someone else. Nurgel would be neat choice.
2.) Why Peturabo (seriously, Iron Warriors seem the go to guys for warbands on this site)? This one doesn't technically have any plot flaws to it but seriously why him? Everything I ever read about the guy paints him as a under-appreciated genius who simmers in quiet anger. Not saying many of the other Primarchs would be a better choice but I just doubt Perturabo would have brought Twilight up the cliff with him, let alone become her friend. Guy just doesn't seem like a fan of companionship. Now you know who really liked other people? Angeron. Seriously, dude was such a bro he told the Emperor 'no thanks' on becoming a badass space-knight because he didn't want to leave his fellow rebel gladiators to die alone. That guy got Friendship in spades; chainaxes too but you know he is always willing to share them.
5942188 1 problem i see with your argument of angron .... KHORN he hates magic twilight is the element of magic you see the problem
Because Iron Warriors are popular, I take it. Best get a better proofreader.
5951277 i will
Uh oh...
6961669 What?
6963161 just getting a bad feeling about what Tzeentch has planned...
A few grammar issues there. You didn't capitalise Flash's name except for the first time, and there are places where I felt you had things like commas and full stops in the wrong place. Other than that, keep finding ways to improve yourself and just do a little more work on your format.
8378869
Yes this is really just filler while i edit and add stuff to the chapter
8382575 Ah. That's understandable. I'm having some trouble writing up the new chapter for some of my own stories.