The Industrial Era

by Hm

The Factory Part 2

It took me three and a half hours to disassemble the machine, examine the parts, and find the source of the problem. A rat had gotten in and lay on an exposed wire. When the machine was turned on, the rat was electrocuted. “Poor thing,” I whispered.

“Flank!” called the floor manager, looking to find me.

“Yes sir?” I yelled back.

“Come to my office when you’re done there. There’s something we need to discuss about."

“It may be a while sir. I had to take apart the whole machine.”

“All right. But make it quick.”

“Of course sir.” With that I went back to work. I had removed the corpse and redone the wiring when the lunch whistle blew. I grabbed my lunch and walked to the covered entryway. The air was cool and smelled fresh. It was about to rain, so I went out from under the metal cover. I shook the soot and ash from my white coat and grey mane. Somehow soot had found a way under my vest. “Hey!” Somepony called. It was the worker from machine 16.

“Oh hey. How goes it?” I asked

“It doesn’t go. That’s the problem. How go the repairs?”

“I found the problem. A rat had gotten in and died when the machine was turned on.”

“However sorry I feel for it, it cost me and my whole line time we could’ve been working”

“Yea. I suppose so...” I said, suddenly sickened by the thought of a life cut short.

“That really bothers you doesn’t it Flank?” Said the worker, picking up on my tone.

“I guess it does. Its always tragic when a life is cut short. Makes you think, doesn't it? You don’t get a second chance at life. Yet we break our backs, working jobs we hate, instead of doing something we actually enjoy.

“And why? Because we need the job for the money. We need the money to support ourselves and our families. So we work for meager pay, at any hour we can get, whenever we can. Yet in the end, we’re unhappy with life. Makes you wonder what life would be like if you didn’t have to deal with all of this.” I paused to take a breath.

“Wow Flank...” said the worker. “I see what you mean, but I never thought you felt that way for lack of better words.”

“Well, sorry for going off on you like that.” I apologized. “I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll get back to work.”

Comments

[The Hat Man]

Hi there! The concept of this story caught my eye, so here's my review:

The positive
The concept is neat and most of the dialogue is pretty snappy. Our hero already seems easy to sympathize with as a helpful and sensitive character with unrealized potential.

The negative
Errors are the first thing. Your short description on the page is repetitive: "What will Everypony do once the magic from Equestria fades away what will Everypony do?" See? The long description is better, though I'm not sure "deplenish" is a word, and even if it is, there are better choices. Also, you occasionally switch between the present and past tense. Stick to past tense.

A bigger problem is that the first two chapters are nothing but exposition. This could have been revealed more slowly or introduced through the character's eyes. It's just not very enticing when there's that much explanation without any action. Also, each chapter is too short. These five chapters could be just one with no big loss.

Anyway, I hope this gives you some ideas about how you might improve this story, because it really is a neat idea. With some better execution, it seems like the type of story I'd want to read. Good luck!

[blue blood dj]

5898670 I agree with you there, But on my side note; It is his story though maybe he will update it?

[Ginger Lotus]

Positive-
------------
-Nice Set in the Character.
-Pretty Eye catching story.
-The Main Person in the story, is very helpful and sensitive.
—

[The Hat Man]

5898709 Yep. I'm offering constructive criticism in the hopes that he uses it to improve the story. After all, you can always revise your work and learn from the experience when you write something new.

[blue blood dj]

5898887 im just going thump it up because he seem to try I mean, it did catch attention.