The magic in Equestria has started to deplenish, and an era of science is ushered in. Why is the magic fading? And how will Equestria fare with this change?
Chapters (5)
Hm
Joined 22nd Apr, 2015 ·
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Hi there! The concept of this story caught my eye, so here's my review:
The positive
The concept is neat and most of the dialogue is pretty snappy. Our hero already seems easy to sympathize with as a helpful and sensitive character with unrealized potential.
The negative
Errors are the first thing. Your short description on the page is repetitive: "What will Everypony do once the magic from Equestria fades away what will Everypony do?" See? The long description is better, though I'm not sure "deplenish" is a word, and even if it is, there are better choices. Also, you occasionally switch between the present and past tense. Stick to past tense.
A bigger problem is that the first two chapters are nothing but exposition. This could have been revealed more slowly or introduced through the character's eyes. It's just not very enticing when there's that much explanation without any action. Also, each chapter is too short. These five chapters could be just one with no big loss.
Anyway, I hope this gives you some ideas about how you might improve this story, because it really is a neat idea. With some better execution, it seems like the type of story I'd want to read. Good luck!
5898670 I agree with you there, But on my side note; It is his story though maybe he will update it?
Positive-
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-Nice Set in the Character.
-Pretty Eye catching story.
-The Main Person in the story, is very helpful and sensitive.
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5898709 Yep. I'm offering constructive criticism in the hopes that he uses it to improve the story. After all, you can always revise your work and learn from the experience when you write something new.
5898887 im just going thump it up because he seem to try I mean, it did catch attention.