Chrysalis Wins
Ch.40 “Do You Wanna Build a Scheme-Man?”
“Calm down!”
Crone tolerated several minutes of Chrysalis freaking out, but she had had enough and shouted her disapproval. This did little to persuade the queen out of her ridiculous and hysteric state.
“But the crown! I’ve don’t even remember when I dropped it! Every changeling saw me without! Now I have nothing to distract from my deformed horn!”
“Did they even comment?”
“They wouldn’t dare! I’ve been blind and humiliated myself! And it took you to point it out…”
“I have an idea then.”
The calmer clone idly ran a hoof over head and through her mane, the feeling that a crown may have been there was a ghostly sensation. Though her head hadn’t worn a crown, and the lack of contact didn’t bother her physically. It was a pity though, she still understood the fond feelings for it, and the memories attached.
After a short space of time, Chrysalis was able to pull herself out of her panic for a moment. She realized Crone had offered something, and she seized her clone’s face between her front hooves.
“What? What is it?”
It was easy for Crone to push the queen off and away, she rubbed a cheek and rolled her jaw before she continued her idea.
“You do have a kingdom of ponies under you.”
“Yes…”
“That would include Celestia’s jewelers and smiths.”
“Yes…”
“…”
“What? Have them make a new one?”
“They could make me one too, it would be nice to have something that is… mine.”
“Ofcourse, that’s a good idea me.”
Crone narrowed her brows and picked up an irritated scowl. As Chrysalis knocked her front hooves together, and picked up a devious grin. Before the queen could go further into a strange form of self compliment, the clone voiced her complaint.
“Oh, and let’s not do that.”
“Do what?”
“Say me, when you actually mean me…”
One large hoof was pointed at Chrysalis for the first me, then returned to a self indicated gesture for the second me. The lesser royal cleared her throat noisily and continued a little further.
“If you want another royal, then treat me like another royal. No more of this I’m you, you’re me nonsense. It’s doing bad things for my self-perception… and I rather like my image. Did you not think that I may inherit some of your vanity?”
“I’m not vain…”
“Ofcourse not. Anyway, how do you even want to explain this to the swarm, or the ponies? Or are you just going to stuff me in the closet? Have enough skeletons in there already, don’t we?”
Literally… the Badland’s closet atleast…
“No, you’re right. You need to be treated as your own royal, and respectfully.”
“So, explanations?”
“Perhaps your earlier description would be accurate.”
“You want me to be your sister?”
“It seems fitting.”
“Technically you’re more like my mother by process… but.”
“Sister will do, it fits the maturity better.”
“So how do you want that back story to go over? Twins separated at birth? –snort- You’re the sister that sucked up all the magical potential in the womb? And left none for her poor sister.”
“Psh, then you’re then one who took all the physical nutrients…”
“I suppose, I guess I can accept I’m the better looking one… such a burden to bear. Wo is me.”
“Oh shut it Crone, perhaps I meant ugly hag when I came up with your name.”
“Hey! Don’t make me dig for scraps more than I already have to.”
“I’ve had to dig for literal scraps most of my life. You on the other hoof… You get to walk into kingdom of wealth and prosperity with no effort of your own. You get to walk into a life with more resources within easy grasp than I ever had. You know the top changeling very well, and have better connections than any common changeling ever will. Don’t make me start on how you are actually spoiled by this situation. The last thing I need is another big brat.”
“I… huh.”
Crone let her mouth hang open, in the middle of saying something, but her response fizzled out and died before it ever made it to the air. If Chrysalis allowed her a modicum of freedom, there were lot’s of things she could do. And she didn’t have to do any of the work Chrysalis had done to enjoy most of the privileges. She did like privileges, atleast she thought she did, another inherited quality?
The look of realization, and expression of silent comprehension of the indications that bedecked Crone’s face, caused Chrysalis to wear a smug smirk.
“Before you get ahead of yourself, there is work I want you to do as well.”
“Aw… here you just got me thinking. I could just laze about, eat everything, and get every changeling to love me, because I’ll be the cool queen that you can’t. Hehehe, I mean I don’t have to be the hard flank and dish out discipline. You’d be better at that anyway, sister… Such is the burden of holding onto the greater power, wo is you. HAHAHA!”
“I said don’t get ahead of yourself!”
Chrysalis angrily stomped the ground, and Crone put a hoof to her mouth to stifle her irreverent laughter. The high queen’s angry glare didn’t cause the giggles to slow down fast enough, and her horn ignited. The flash of magic caused Crone to gasp, and her laughter stopped immediately. The sudden agitation that came over the lesser royal caused a pleased expression to come over the true queen.
The glow of Chrysalis’s horn stayed present, and from the bed many pillows were pulled. Something like two dozen pillows were pulled up and floated in green aura, each of the fluffy objects was rotated until they pointed length-wise at Crone. Hundreds of fluffy missiles were armed and ready.
Chrysalis finally knew how many pillows Celestia had managed to pile onto the obnoxiously large bed, and it caused her to nod appreciatively. She could concede the alicorn’s taste for comfort was impressive, probably another thing built up over the centuries. Wishdom? Psh, vices were for every equine.
Meanwhile, as the arsenal of plush doom built up in the air, Crone backed away with nervous eyes. The aura around the objects made her more worried than the fact they were being aimed at her.
“If you really know me Crone, then you know that dishing out discipline is fun!”
Pomf!
A single pillow had been tossed out of the array, and smacked Crone in the face before it dropped to the floor. The clone flinched from the impact, and the object, though plush, was not tossed gently. When Crone saw she had sustained nothing noticeable, she ran a hoof through her mane to fix it, and gave Chrysalis a questionable glare.
“Really?”
“Ok, you’ve made your point.”
Pomf! Pomf! Pomf!
“Stop, stop it!”
Pomf, pomf, pomf, pomf, pomf, pomf!
“No! Mercy! Please!”
“Hahaha! Beg more…”
POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF
“Alright I won’t do it ever again! You’re the best! I’m the worst!”
POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF
“Sorry I didn’t hear you. I still have so much ammunition!”
POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF POMF
And something like two dozen pillows were used. Or more… Some of it might have been reused.
The end result was a massive pile of multicolored feather stuffed linen cases. Crone was no longer visible and her cries of submission had stopped about a quarter of the way into it. Chrysalis had stopped paying attention when she laughed maniacally, half way into it. And the whole room had become something reminiscent of an over-sized drying machine.
Eventually the manic laughter calmed down, and the whirlwind died.
“Crone?”
The was a stir in the mound, and a horn poked out of the sea of plush. The horn proceeded to slither back and forth, as if it were a shark fin that cut through the waves of the ocean. Chrysalis just rolled her eyes.
“Crone…”
There was a sudden explosion of pillows near Chrysalis, and a tall, vindictive royal burst out of the feathery wading pool. With one oversized pillow in hoof, Crone smacked down on the queen and laid her out flat on the floor.
“You cheat! Smothering your advantage all over my everything! GAW! Give me a victim so I can do the same thing!”
She jumped on top of Chrysalis to keep her pinned down, and repeatedly brutalized her… with a pillow. When she finished venting her frustration, she capped it off with a downward shove. The pillow was impaled on chrysalis’s jagged horn, and shoved down further so that it blocked her vision. Feathers bled out of the ruptured fabric and further compounded the messy state of the room.
The clone stepped away from her handiwork and fell back on her haunches. Several of the pillows in the room had split during Chrysalis’s mad storm, and feathers rained down like snowflakes.
“What a way to ruin the bed…”
Chrysalis tore the pillow away from her horn, and absentmindedly tossed it aside. She spit out a few feathers before she replied to Crone’s depreciative tone.
“Oh psh, Plain Thatch will clean it up.”
“You ask too much of that pony.”
“She’s a servant, it’s her job.”
That made Crone hum with troubled thought.
“So… what’s my job going to be? Since, you’ve decided you’re not going to blow me up.”
“Hmm.”
“well?”
“I have two ideas in mind, and neither of them requires a smidgen of magic.”
“What are they?”
“Well it depends what you would like to do more. Are you more interested in perusing through history? Or would you like to help me in a scheme? A scheme that has just come to mind.”
“I like schemes…”
“Then let’s get plotting.”
I'm not liking where you are going with this. I may stop reading if this continues.
There is a difference between dark because the circumstances demand it, and ark for the sake of dark. Dark for the sake of dark is the worse thing you can do, as it is the most forced.
You have done the latter dude.
6267932 sadly i have to agree with you
sadly because i usually follow through with any story
6267974
Going to have to agree with lordofmyth for once, this does seem to be forced dark for cheap drama, it does not really follow for Chrysalis to trust someone as devious as herself to be second-best and be happy being weak and easily controlled. (Last chapter Chrys more or less went 'You nearly died, accept your powerlessness and be my servant, lol' and didn't think about how SHE would have responded in this situation. Crone is a copy of her and so is easy to predict the possible ideas/movements in any situation because of this.) and not informing the entire hive as to Crone's existence which would have prevented things like this from happening is a move that had little to no gain with great possible loss.
Trusting someone who looks/is you to be a powerless servant/slave is something almost noone would do, let alone someone as untrusting and closed as Chrysalis.
Tldr: This seems like you are forcing the story to go where you want it to go, so that events you have already written can be used.
I have to agree with the other comments. I mean sure, Chrysalis isn't the brightest bulb, but this?
Why did you have to go Grimderp?! For a story which is called "Chrysalis wins" it seems to be doing the opposite every time something goes her way.
Imma give this story another chapter or two to see if it fixes itself, otherwise I will sadly drop it.
6268440 I few I've had to give up and it was hard to do so. This one started going bad with how the Mirror pool was being done and this last one just killed it. You can do so much more and better with Crone but making so many non canon weaknesses was thefirst faw. Now the killing spree. If this isn't fixed I have to leave and downvote this.
Whoa boy! Crone sure made a horrendous mass of things, she basically declared war on several nations. Not to mention to bring chaos to her new found kingdom, the only one that has an edge is King Sombra now that he is back to himself. Well, you did hat the tag Dark, so I knew things will go bad sooner or later. Chrysalis overconfidence finally got her.
So sudden, let see what Chrysalis does to salvage the situation. She may try to ask the Princesses for help, but Sombra has them in his possession, so the main 6 is her 2nd choice. But even that would be difficult, if the loved ones of the main 6 are murdered & their bodies displayed in some grisly manner.
Crone has gone over her head, she's no real threat. The only one that will have a certain advantage is King Sombra. Chrysalis will be left vulnerable when contending with several nations declaring war on her & the enrage population of Equestria.
Damn, I was liking the more cheery Sombra.
I no longer like Crone.
Scratch that the chapter was edited and OMFG FLUFFLLEEEEPUFFFFFFF
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I guess I'll start by saying I'm sorry. I don't intend to write anything as dark as that again in this story. I'm a little upset as well, I've felt invested in some of these characters, and it wasn't all that fun to write what happened. I didn't intend for it to be dark, for dark's sake, though the way I've written it may not have communicated that clearly. Perhaps I should make a more impersonal revision? pull out the drama, and just have Chrysalis wake up to the consequences? Tell it, not show it? I'm not sure, the subject is still upsetting all the same.
Also another point some of you shared and agree on. Chrysalis's decisions with Crone have not been smart.
I agree...
Having Crone around in the first place isn't a very rational decision. She knows too much... to put it flatly. Bringing Crone back with her was statement of arrogance more than it was anything practical. After all, one solid bolt of magic, and Crone goes pop. Something any unicorn, or changeling could do. Let alone herself.
Empathy is not one of Chrysalis's strong suits. If she had more of it there likely wouldn't have been an invasion in the first place. Knowing the character of Celestia, it's not unimaginable that some kind of peaceful resolution could have been drawn, and aid given to a nation of starving changelings. Especially from nation that is supposedly full of 'love' charity frienship and all those good things...
But Chrysalis expects others to conform to her. Crone may look, talk, and be able to act like her, but there is a clear difference in power. A difference that makes Chrysalis think of herself as different, and superior to a cheap copy. She would never really consider such an imitation to be equal, or worthy of real consideration.
Chrysalis does love to lord over those she sees are her subjects. Having another royal around, a lesser royal, was something else to feed her ego, and give her mock company. Since there have been no other royals for a fairly long period of time. If Crone's submissiveness came in to actual question, the answer appeared to be obvious.
Her confidence is obviously misplaced. The assumption that Crone wouldn't/shouldn't be a problem, because she has such an easy weakness, was a heavily glossed over and sloppily reasoned. A late night decision made with little consideration, if you will. Made with more a sense of interest, than proper analysis and evaluation.
I know my reasons may not appeal to you. I figured I'd just share my thoughts. Again I'm sorry that this latest chapter has upset several of you. You can have confidence that I don't plan on future chapters being "dark" as this one. Darkness isn't what really attracted me to MLP in the first place. ... I need to go write something light-hearted...
Have a good night gents.
6270185 It's where you have gone with the while arc of the mirror pool.
From What we saw in the show the Pinkie clones could do EVERYTHING the original could but were singulary focused on fun and not the consequences of it or the feelings of her friends So the magic thing didn't really fly with me from the begining. Crone as an inital concept works but where you took the character doesn't.
But view of the story is this. Great idea seeing what could have happened if Chryssy had won. Though I still root for the Mane 6 and Equestria to win back the throne an agreement with Chryssy could happen. How So,bra and the CE was another interesting twist to everything. This just this arc that has started to bug me and this chapter in particular. Too dark and OOC for a Chryssy clone. How did she expect to rule if she is harming the best ponies/drones are injured or killed not too mention the foreign delegates. I'm clearly not alone in this opinion. At minium i say scrap this chapter and rewrited it. Me personally like to see a rewrite of the mirror pool arc.
In the end this is your story but be mindful of the audience. I rewrote one of my stories and it technically did better before I knew it was a rule break to delete then repost a story.
6270185 my perscription, is to compeltely reverse this entire incident compeltely. it is just needless.
and i think it is something i mention a lot already. your pacing is compeltely outta wack. and because of this who have ot invent new issues.
besides, the whole way she kills the drones is veyr, very contrived. not to mention that she would even know how to do any of this stuff. so its best to toss it in the trash and co back to the writing board. literally.
when you create, you always create duds. you have to get past them and try again. trust what ya fans are thinking here, and your critics.
for once i am not being the debby downer.
Well... This got really dark
Sorry, but I have to say that this really didn't sit well with me. I mean, I was curious to know how Crone would cause trouble for Chrysalis, but this..? It's not even funny.
When it said this chapter was dark, I honestly thought it was going to be dark as in a 'lighthearted' way. This is too grimdark...
This story has its' ups and downs, but this part is by far the worst one yet. Is the mirror pool splitting IQ across every clone? I guess it does, because even though Chrysalis was never the mastermind she thought herself to be, her recent action were completely idiotic. "Hey, I'm going to abuse and humiliate you for fun, and then I'll give you nearly full control over my minions. What's the worst that could happen? It's not like you're almost the same as me, so I could tell you'd be furious beyond all reason and... wait..."
And the consequences... wow, that was quick. I expected something more subtle and devious, not a brutal killing spree, followed by idiotically aiding Sombra. There's zero foreshadowing of things becoming this dark. It's too sudden, too much, complete tone shift. Just look at the images back when Crone was introduced. None of that says "bloody murders are coming, stay tuned".
I'll probably continue reading, but boy did my enjoyment take a nosedive (enough for me to comment for the first time ever, joy). I'd vastly prefer if the mirror pool part didn't happen at all. Too late for that, I guess.
Comments before this one are outdated in regards to this chapter specifically.
Ch. 40 was redone. Comments after this one are current.
6275398
Well, i just posted the redone version of chapter 40.
The comments should be visible, now.
If you really want to find out what happened i suppose i could send the chapters to you via, PM. If you're interested in the deleted content.
These new chapters are much more fitting with the comedic plot so far, very nice work.
I kind of like Crone as a jealous sister in the original chapters, but these two now are more like Celestia and Luna now. Is it for the best? Cannot wait to see. It does mean we keep Sombra the somewhat happy for a bit longer though.
and I'm still waiting for Celestia to finally escape her prison. Chrysalis noted it before, they have a time limit.
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Thank you, It helps a lot to hear that
Hmmm, seems promising, I am Interested to see what they have planned.
much better. Still don't like the magic weakness thing but this is more what I figure Crone would be like.
Had a hint of something else too, hhhhmmmm
I prefer how it was before. Crone actually went out and did stuff to ruin Chrysalis' reputation with nations, ponies, and changelings.
Now it's just "tee-hee ha ha" sisters. Honestly, it takes a drastic shift away from the tone of the story. With Sombra holding Luna and Celestia, Mane 6 being fugitives, and Chrysalis abusing power.
People complain about how it was before but that stayed with the tone of the story. Now it's getting dull and uninteresting.
Perhaps you could have Crone secretly help the mane 6 with Shade's help?
6277202 the hell are you talkign about? that compeltely deviated from the town by going downhill into a very dark place.
6277270 How does it deviate downhill to a dark place? This is a story about a tyrant conquering an entire nation. Not only that but the pool spews out imperfect clones, not exact clones. That means Crone would inherit the basic traits of Chrysalis' personality. Such as a desire for the throne or ruthlessness and deception. Really, you guys are missing the actual story because you can't handle a little blood.
Crone's idea was to ruin Chrysalis' reputation and go into hiding with Sombra. What's Chrysalis' going to do? Tell them a changeling that looked like her did it?
All actions were reasonable and fitting to the story.
Oh and are all of you missing that giant tag that says DARK up there?
6277331 no it was because there was zero indication that would even happen. or that she would start killing a whole bunch of people.
if you haven' noticed, changelings seem to prefer not snfufing out others. liekly for survival reasons cause the dead do not feel.
6277336 Than that gives no logic behind Avalanche's consumption of ribs.
Also, before the revision, chapter 39 ended with Crone literally flying off the balcony saying something similar to "I will make you rue the day you disrespected me"
That's an indication for everything to go south fast.
yes much better