• Member Since 4th Apr, 2015
  • offline last seen June 6th

Agent-G


E

A normal day is shattered as a quake happens unleashing an ancient darkness from before recorded history. The Main 6 gather to face this evil with the help of Luna, they will learn of a nearly forgotten part of history as a legend steps out of the shadows but will his legend help or is he already lost in his own darkness.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 11 )

For a first time story, this was an amazingly excellent story to read!!!

5850108 Thanks I have some stories on another site but this is my first MLP story that I thought of doing here as more people read them on this site. So I hope this ends up a story people can enjoy.

Five hundred years ago there was once the kingdom of Astoria

This sentence bothers me a lot. Either remove 'five hundred years ago', or remove 'once'.

sat at the Round Stable

so it's a table? or is it a stable and they sit inside it?

While Twilight was thinking on how to start her new system of keeping her books in order elsewhere in Equestria near the small village of Newberry, it was a village much like Ponyville.

While she was thinking stuff, there was a village? Try to rephrase this so you tell what happens in the same sentence, otherwise it gets confusing. As it isnow you just tell us that there is a village... and then you describe the village... But you write the paragraph as if something is happening at the same time as Twilight is doing stuff.

A secret so that it was old when the world was young, long before the time of the sisters came into being, before Discord and long before the pony tribes were split.

The secret is that the mountain is old? or is it an old secret? be more clear on what you mean here.

But Luna was a princess of Equestria as well and she had every right to protect their kingdom as well

you use 'as well' twice here. try not to repeat the same words so shortly after eachother.

saw how Discord would be needed

what is he needed for?

There is a lot more but I didn't bother with everything. I have some general notes though:
i felt that some of your sentences... actually, a lot of your sentences lack commas and periods, breaking the flow of my reading. Try reading the chapter out loud if you really want improve it.
The start of chapter, the exposition dump... I get what you're going with her, the transition to Twilight telling the story, but there were a lot of characters introduced with no reason for me to remember any of them, except maybe the banished one. There were also some confusing sentences in that part, but I couldn't get myself to care enough to write them down. If you can't find a different way to introduce the story, I suggest you go through the sentences and try to rewrite some of it to make it more exciting.

Now, to what I liked about the story.
I like the general idea, lost cities and ancient civilizations are my thing :)
I like the scene with Twilight and the crusaders, I could see it well enough.
I like the scene with Celestia and Luna, though I feel like Celestia is repeating herself a bit to much with the dreams... how many times does she say that it annoys her that she can't interfere? Ah, still, it had a heartfelt moment with her and Luna, that was nice. Maybe try to make more out of it? On the other hand, it's fine now. I donno, maybe it's just my own preferences shining through XD
Anyway, remember that all writing is good, and you will improve by yourself as you continue the story :)

6248448 It was meant to be stable as there are plenty of horse puns in the show hence the name. Wow you are brutal, way to make me feel like crap now I really do wonder if I should even continue this. I never learned commas and never could get the hang of certain things heck that was mentioned a bit in the author's note.

6248582 didn't get a notification that you answered.
anyway, sorry if you think that was brutal, but if you want to improve it you will have to be able to take this kind of critique. Especially since this is the first chapter. You need people to get interested here or they won't read on. As I said, all writing is good and it helps you become better, don't get discouraged so easily.
I know it's not easy seeing a comment like that on a story you put your heart into, but I'm trying to help you here.

6259035 Sorry about that, I was having a rough day so when I saw your review being well negative-negative-negative and finally a positive at the end...it just didn't help matters with how my day was going it was just the wrong mentality at the moment to read that.

6284212 Well it's not easy getting critique, especially when your in a bad mood. If you just want me to read your story without giving you input, say so now. I don't want to feel like I make you sad everytime I try to help :)

6285391 Yeah I can take it just keep in mind that I've always struggled with stuff like proper grammar, I've improved over the years but little things like the proper use of a comma always gave me trouble. As for a story itself I'm basically trying to see what works and what doesn't with people.

6285734 Oh yeah I forgot to mention that since you said you liked that whole 'lost kingdom' thing that actually will play a bit more into this and I planned for kind of a flashback moment to the final days to really get an impression of the place as I am using a lot of the Arthurian Legend for some world building.

Login or register to comment