Previous Chapters
Close
Heavenly Knowledge1,294 words
Lemons don't get stage fright1,478 words
Never take life advice from lemons1,829 words

Never take life advice from lemons

"I don't know about you," the lemon said as they walked onward to Sweet Apple Acres. "but those lemons that that Discord guy dated sound more like bad apples to me."

"I'd be careful what you say about apples.", Pinkie said, a touch of fear in her voice. "We're headed to Sweet Apple Acres right now."

"An apple farm, I presume?"

"Yeah, an apple farm. Owned by my friend Applejack's family. Let me tell ya', they take their apple stuff pretty seriously. I'd be careful what you say over there."

"Or what? They'll juice me? . . . Actually, that's a terrifying thought. I'll shut up."

"Thanks."

Pinkie hopped her way into the orchard, eager to see the two who had yet to hear the good word. As she did, she spied a silly little filly, trying her best to buck the trees her sister tended to everyday.

"Hi, Applebloooomm!", Pinkie shouted, spronking her way over to the filly. "Watcha' doin'?"

"Whatsit to ya'?", Applebloom replied impatiently.

"Rude. Your rude."

"And your annoying. Are we done pointing out the obvious now?"

"No. You smell. Bad."

Applebloom sighed. Clearly, she hadn't expected the pink party pony to respond like that.

"Look, Pinkie, I'm sorry I snapped at ya'. I'm just upset because Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo are out trying to earn their cutie marks right now, and Applejack won't let me go. Somethin' real innocent too. Just a little lab experiment, ya know?"

"What kind of lab experiment?"

"Oh, makin' somethin' called methamphetamine, I think it was. We were looking through a book of experiments we found in the restricted section of Twilight's library, and Sweetie figured that the name was long and complicated so if we could make it, we'd be sure to get some kinda science type cutie marks. But when I asked Applejack where we could get battery acid, she knocked me upside the head and told me to get buckin'."

"Oh, well, uhh, that's too bad." Pinkie said, fully aware of and slightly worried with the fact that there were two fillies somewhere in Ponyville trying to make meth. Meth was her territory, and if they wanted to sell, she'd need a cut of their profits. She'd have to deal with that later. There were other things to attend to right now.

"Hey, Applebloom, you wouldn't happen to know where your sister or Rainbow dash are right now, would you?"

"Umm, well, mah sister's kinda busy right now, but if you want Rainbow Dash, she's been hangin' out in the barn most of the day, actin' really. . . creepy."

"'Kay, thanks, bye!" Pinkie yelled, walking off towards the barn.

"Hey, Pinkie Pie?"

"Yeah, Applebloom?"

"What's that in your mane there?"

"Huh?" Pinkie felt into her mane, unsure of what the filly was referring to. Coming across a round, bumpy object, she remembered that that's where she'd decided to store her lemon friend.

"Oh, that's just a lemon I met earlier today. He taught me the ecret to eternal happiness, so now I'm here to tell Rainbow Dash and your sister."

"Oh." Applebloom relied in mild surprise. " That's nice, I guess. Hey, uh, you go ahead and talk to Rainbow Dash. I'm gonna let my sister know you're here."

With that, Applebloom stumbled off, seemingly fearful of something. Whatever it was though, Pinkie didn't care. So she continued to make her way into the barn. As she opened the massive doors, she could see no signs of Rainbow Dash. She could hear plenty, though.

"What's with all the heavy breathing and clacking?", lemon asked, afraid of what might be lurking in the barn.

"Honestly," Pinkie began. "I'm more concerned with the wet rubbing sounds. Let me try something. HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY! RAAAIINNBOOOOOWWW DAAAASHH!"

In response to Pinkie's primal scream, there came a startled yelp and many crashing thuds from the upper level of the barn. Crashing through the floor, a type writer not far behind, came one dazed and confused rainbow-maned pegasus.

"Hi, Rainbow.", Pinkie said to her possibly concussed friend.

"Pinkie!", Rainbow Dash screeched in fury, regaining her composure. "What the hell was that about?"

"I was trying to see if you were here. And now I know you are."

"There are better ways to do that kinda stuff, Pinkie."

"Yeah, well, you know. So what's with the typewriter?"

Rainbow Dash's eyes lit up at the question. Pinkie immediately regretted asking it. "I'm glad you asked. You see, A.K. Yearling has been going through a bit of a dry spell with her adventures, which means she hasn't been able to write a book in a little while. And that kinda pisses me off. So I went to visit her the other day, and asked her whether or not she could just make up a little adventure to keep things going in-between, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess.", Pinkie said, not at all interested in the conversation.

"So she got real annoyed after a few days of that, and told me that if I as so eager for a new story, then I was more than welcome to write one myself. So that's what I'm doing."

"Doing what?"

"Writing a new Daring-Do book! I call it, 'Daring-Do and the Road to El Corazon'! It's about Daring-Do going on the search for a legendary city made entirely of gold, meeting a certain rainbow-maned stallion, and discovering that her desire for treasure has been driven by the one treasure she lacked all along: true love. I've already written up two chapters. You wanna give 'em a read?"

"No offense, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie began, fully intending to offend. "But that sounds really fucking stupid. In fact, it's so dumb that it's put a bad taste in my mouth. I came here wanting to tell you something, but now I couldn't care less whether or not you know. Good luck with your porn fic, or whatever."

"I'm sure you'll warm up to it. I'll mail you a copy later!", Rainbow Dash shouted as Pinkie walked away.

"Please don't!"

"Well, that was a waste of time.", Lemon said.

"Not as big a waste of time as that story she's writing. I mean, come on, Daring-Do would never choose love over treasure! Unless of course, it was for the affections of Ahuizotl, whom she's been in an on and off relationship with throughout the entire series."

"I take it you also write fanfiction for this book series?"

"What? No, no. It's totally canon. You just gotta read in between the lines."

"Read in between this!", said a voice just behind Pinkie.

"In between wh- OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA, WHY?", Pinkie shouted in pain as a baseball bat made contact with the side of her right hindleg.

"How does it feel, huh?" , the voice questioned with sheer contempt. Pinkie saw as four orange hooves made their way into her line of sight. Looking up, she saw that it was Applejack that had assaulted her.

"A-Applejack? Why, woul-"

"Shut the fuck up! I'm gonna ask you a couple questions now, Pinkie Pie. And I want you to answer them, best you can. First: what is the name of this farm?"

"What?", Pinkie said, confused and disoriented.

"I said, what is the FUCKING name of this farm!?"

"W-what?, Pinkie said again, scared out of her mind.

"Say what again!" Applejack shouted. "I fucking dare you to say what again!"

"Uh, uhh, t-this farm is, uh, Sweet Apple Acres?"

"Was that a question?"

"Umm. . . no?"

"WAS THAT A FUCKING QUESTION!?"

"NO, no it wasn't."

"Good. Now, let me ask the second question: What is my name?"

"Applejack."

"That's right. APPLEjack. Did you know that we grow apples on this farm, Pinkie Pie?"

"Uhh, yes, I did."

"Okay, good, good. Now, last question, I promise. What. The fuck. Are you doing with a lemon on my farm!?"

"No, Applejack, wait, I can-"

Pinkie awoke in the hospital several hours later that day, with seven broken ribs, a fractured spinal disk, and a lemon in a place she'd rather not talk about. The day had been more disappointing than any other day she'd ever known, if only because she hadn't been able to make anypony happy the way she'd wanted to. And also because she was bruised and battered over most of her body. It was too painful to move her neck, so she just talked, hoping somepony would hear.

"Hey, lemon?"

". . .What?"

"Why didn't we make anypony happy?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I tried all day and nopony wanted to hear the secret to eternal happiness. Hell, even when I tried to tell Fluttershy, I could tell how disinterested she was. So I just blew air into her ear for a few minutes."

"Sounds arousing.", the lemon said. "To answer your question though, Pinkie. . . well, there isn't really a good answer. Sometimes things just don't go your way. This was one of those times."

"That blows. Like, really hard."

"Yeah. Oh well. I guess I better be going."

"Yeah, you do that."

And as the lemon made its way out of the hospital, via heavenly rays of light, Pinkie was left to ponder. She thought of what the lemon had told her and how all her friends had reacted to her. She thought of Twilight's and Fluttershy's disinterest, Rarity's dismissal, and Applejack's violent fury. Then she thought of what Discord had mentioned, and as she thought on it, she realized maybe he'd been right all along. Lemon's were not to be trusted. And with that, Pinkie made up her mind.

Never again would she take life advice from a lemon. Because that would be fucking stupid.

224 views

Previous Chapters