I like to write stories. Not too great at it though. Open to collaborate!
What happens after we die?
A question asked by countless members of every species ever to exist. But a question that has gone unanswered. Unfortunately, a certain alicorn princess doesn't like it when questions go unanswered. So in an effort to answer that greatest of questions, Twilight Sparkle kills herself. She fails to grasp the permanence of such an action.
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Did you ever watched a movie called, "Flatliners?". I really like this movie, because it also describes students who want to answer the question of what happens when we die. It is a good movie on this pecticular subject.
First, I'm going to say that this is a very sensitive topic that you have chosen to write about. What I'm going to say is meant to be constructive, but if I get out of hand (hoof), I apologize.
Second, some of this is a bit biased and shouldn't be counted 100% realiable. This is just one pony's thoughts.
Okay, here we go.
I thought that the plot was decent. You showed me why Twilight would go searching for this answer after Applebloom innocently asks her the question. However, I don't really believe that Twilight would spend "months" of searching for the answer in all her books and then just decided to ask Princess Celestia for the answer. Wouldn't she have thought to ask her sooner? I think you need rethink your usage of time or at least put it in more believable context.
I have to say that the character development is a bit lacking. Twilight is shown as an obsessed genius that ignores all of her friend's feelings as she tries to kill herself. This line in particular really bugs me.
. This just sums up that Twilight is acting like a jerk, which is majorly out of character.
Another problem in character plot and development was Princess Celestia. Her response sounded considerate, but in the end, she decided to give the spell to Twilight. First of all, I think that if it was my friend who was taking her own life, I'd have thought my response would be more than half an hour. Also, the scroll had to pass a number of committees of ethnics. Why would princess Celestia just give it to Twilight, ignoring all the committees it had to go through, and with a vast majority I'm sure, has been rejected due to its violent nature. Even Starswil agreed that it wasn't worth killing ponies just to answer a question and being Twilight's hero, wouldn't she have taken his suggestion a little more to the heart?
I'm also sure that Celestia wouldn't give the scroll the Twilight, helping her kill herself. She is not being a "friend" or even a decent pony by giving it to her. It is like giving beer to an alcoholic, begging him not to drink! I'm sorry if I sound really mad about this, but this section just doesn't sound believable.
And the usage of "Mirror Twilight" is a bit creepy because she is planning on deceiving all of her friends (except Spike, for in my case, I'd have told the others as soon as I learned what I was going on). I'm pretty sure that Twilight's friends aren't that dumb.
Okay, now for some grammar issues.
The first paragraph is a plethora of incomplete sentences. As a FIMfiction writer, I try to limit my usage of incomplete sentences because I don't want to show my ignorance. This is Twilight's thoughts after all, so wouldn't they be more thought out? I don't condemn you for the first paragraph, but it kind of caught me off guard and has set up something in my mind that expected me not to be as hopeful while reading your story. First impressions count a lot in a story, and I have to say I wasn't impressed enough. Sorry.
All the other paragraphs are grammatically correct, which I applaude you, since most people just do one-shots without any editing and they wonder why people don't read them. Here are a few spelling mistakes I caught.
You need to add quotations.
. I don't like that the CMC is only mentioned once in the entire story. Wouldn't they have been a consideration if twilight decided to kill herself? Again, referring to the "twilight is a jerk" theory. I would change
"able pupils" to "enthusiastic students". I don't know why you put "able".
. Get rid of "That peace being".
Should be "In theory, the caster has shut down their body,"
Another thing. You keep switching from Block formatting to MLA. You need to choose one or the other.
What does "Claptrap" mean?
I think you should change "unanswered" to "unanswerable". It sounds better and shows Spike's lack of faith.
You mean "filly".
I thinks that is all. Overall, I liked the story, but has a lot of unanswered questions. I suggest you go line by line and try to polish it.
A billion bits to you,
Matthew DePointe
I have to admit that this was really well written. I really liked the introductory whiplash of "Dread" reading Twilight's thoughts. I found that really interesting.
Just a comment: I sort of liked the "My Little Gecko" part, but I think that breaking the fourth wall in that manner is just overplayed and arbitrary. I'm not saying you should get rid of it, but it is something to be considered. FYI, MLP isn't in book form, so it doesn't make sense if you are winking at the audience. Why don't you actually use the "Daring Do" book series?
When I got to the part about smelling potpourri, I had to look it up in order to know what you were talking about. Not to be rude or anything, but most people can only read in a fifth grade reading level. So you might want to use another substance that is better known to most viewers.
I've just read the second chapter, but I am hoping to get more information on the Harmony Wars you mentioned. I like foreshadowing, but only when it is subtle.
Below I am going to correct some minor spelling errors you might have missed.
Change "so" to "as".
Since this is a title that Dread refers to, it should be capitalized.
I'm not going to insult your intelligence by telling you what you should do with this sentence.
I think it should be "hasn't had".
For the most part, that is it. So nice job on grammar and spelling. My overall thoughts were cautiously optimistic on this chapter. You set up the scene pretty well, the characterization with Dread is great, and the emotions that Twilight experiences are realistic. However, I feel like the mood of the story (the general feeling) could use some more "pizazz". The mood was light, almost carefree and this was the exact opposite situation where that was called for. You need to make the mood more dark because the audience and the death aspect calls for it.
I must note that I find it a bit disturbing that Twilight hasn't given a single thought towards her friend's when she realizes that she wasn't alive anymore. Maybe I am a bit biased by this, but at least I admit it.
Nice work, and I will take a look at the next chapter later. Sorry it took this long to review this, but I am busy ( which shouldn't be an excuse).
A billion bits to you,
Matthew DePointe
5452246 In regards to the spelling/grammatical stuff I'll fix that. In regards to the potpourri. . . well, I like to hold faith in the intelligence of those reading my story. I might change it, but I'm a bit conflicted. I'll change the My Little Gecko stuff.
Now, as for the mood of the story, that's kind of what I was going for. The subject matter itself is dark and Dread is trying to convey a sense of ominousness and mystery. However, he's being thwarted by Twilight's no nonsense attitude and general enthusiasm for knowledge.
TL;DR
Twilight's too focused with learning to be concerned with the dark details of the matter. She made her peace with that weeks ago. Also, she's not worried about her friends because she holds faith that the energy pocket will revive her. Mirror Twilight is a contingency, not an absolution.
And no worries. We all get busy.
Very nice. Looking forward to more :)
This is dead isn't it?
To bad we don't get an explanation, so is this story over? Might as well say "cancelled".