A lemon tells Pinkie Pie the secret to eternal happiness, and she tries to spread the good word around town. Nopony wants to hear it.
Written for one very lemony lass Lemons do not talk. That's what everyone keeps telling Pinkie. Pinkie doesn't believe them. After all, if lemons couldn't talk than how could this one have taught her the secret to ultimate happiness? The answer: it couldn't have.
Pinkie keeps insisting that it did though, and she's determined to spread the good word to everypony she knows.
A normal day in Ponyville. One like any other, devoid of nonsense, danger or shenanigans. Until it came. It fell from the sky, which in of itself was strange. But Pinkie Pie would have been able to write that off as the result of a pegasi's carelessness, had it not been for the next thing it did. Which was talk.
"Greetings, pretty, pink, party pony.", the lemon said to her.
"Oh, uh, hello.", Pinkie replied, not quite speechless, but dreadfully confused.
"Would you like to know a secret?", the lemon asked.
"Ohhh, yeah, I love secrets! What kind of secret is it?"
"The secret to eternal happiness, of course."
Pinkie pie's only response was to stare at the lemon in disbelief.
"Uhh, no offense," she began. "But, you're a lemon. I don't really see what you could know about eternal happiness."
"Oh, but I'm far more than just a lemon." The lemon replied. "As you can see, I can talk."
"Well, obviously, yeah."
"Which means that I can think. And believe me, as a lemon with no real mode of transportation or motor skills, I've had a lot of time to think."
"If you can't move," Pinkie began to question. "then how did you get here?"
"I achieved enlightenment, by finding true happiness. I achieved such an intense metaphysical state of euphoria that I passed out. When I woke up, I was falling from the sky. Then I landed, I met you, and now we're talking."
"Well, that's as good an explanation as I'll ever be given. So, uh, what exactly is this secret?"
"Pick me up.", the lemon said. "Put me to your ear. I'll whisper it to you."
Pinkie did as she was asked. She held the lemon to her ear, and as soon as it started to speak, she experienced something, a feeling of. . . absolute and true happiness. She hadn't even heard the words being spoken, but still she knew exactly what was being spoken. She began to cry, she was so overwhelmed with happiness.
"Do you understand, my precious little pony?", the lemon asked Pinkie.
"I-I understand. . . everything. It all makes so much sense now. I thought I was happy all this time, and I guess I was, but this. . . this is just so much more!"
"I know, right?"
"I. . . I have to tell everypony else!", Pinkie cried, beginning to run off towards Twilight's gaudy crystal castle.
"Hey, wait!". the lemon cried.
Pinkie made a u-turn, coming back to the lemon. "Yeah?", she questioned.
"Take me with you."
"Okay.", Pinkie said reaching to pick the lemon up with her mouth.
"NO! Not your mouth! That is, like, in the top five of my worst nightmares. Being eaten by a pony I mean. Just put me in your hair or something."
"Okey-dokey-lokey!", Pinkie said enthusiastically, tossing the lemon into her poofy, pillow-like mane.
"So where are we headed first?", the lemon asked.
"To my friend Twilight's house.", Pinkie replied. "If there's anypony that could use eternal happiness, it's her."
Pinkie enthusiastically bounced her way up to the front door of the incredibly ugly and drastically impractical crystal castle that was now Twilight's house. She proceeded to knock on said door with an unnecessary amount of force and speed.
"Heeeeeeeyyyyyy, Twiiiiiillllliiiiiggghhht!", she yelled at the top of her lungs, possibly deafening a few ponies that happened to be passing by at the moment. "I've got something really cool to tell you!"
Pinkie kept knocking and knocking, until her hoof was sore. Then she switched hooves and started knocking again. But there was no answer. She kept at it for about ten minutes before finally Spike answered the door.
"Hey Pin-" Spike said, his greeting interrupted by Pinkie's hoof slamming into his face.
Spike gave no answer. This was scarcely strange though, as Pinkie, in her enthusiasm, had knocked Spike unconscious.
"I think you knocked him out.", the lemon said.
"Yeah, I do that sometimes. Oh well. I guess we can just let ourselves in."
And they did just that. Pinkie made her way through the main hall, searching for Twilight.
"Geez, not only is this place ugly," Pinkie said. "it's really hard to get around too."
And while the Twilight's crystal home was a bit labyrinthine, it didn't take Pinkie long to find her. She was panicking in her library , as she tended to do when she was on the verge of some great discovery. Whatever that discovery was though, Pinkie knew that it would pale in comparison to what she had to say.
"Hey, Twilight!", Pinkie shouted from across the room.
"Gah!", Twilight responded, surprised by Pinkie's sudden appearance. "Oh, Pinkie. Thank goodness it's just you."
"Were you expecting somepony else?"
"Well. . . yes and no. It's kind of complicated. Do you have a minute."
"I've always got a minute, silly. But right now, I'd like to spend this minute telling you something waaaaaaayyyy more important than what you had to say."
"I highly doubt that.", Twilight said with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Well then, Princess Smartypants, can you tell me what exactly is more important than the secret to eternal happiness?"
At this, Twilight lit up. "Eternal happiness? Why didn't you say so? Where would you even get information like that?"
"Well, you see, earlier today I was on my way to Sugar Cube Corner, when all of a sudden this lemon fell from the sky and conked me on the head! Now, mind you, I wouldn't have thought there was anything strange about it, but-"
"Pinkie!" Twilight said impatiently. "Get to the point."
"Okay, okay, sheesh. So anyway, the lemon tells me-"
"Stop right there.", Twilight said.
"But you wanted me to get to the point, right?"
"Obviously Pinkie, there is no point to this story. I mean, really? A lemon fell from the sky and gave you the secret to eternal happiness?"
"But it did, honest! Look, it's right here, in my mane.", Pinkie said, bending over to show Twilight how wrong she was. "See?"
"All I see is a completely normal, non-verbal lemon, which you stuck in your mane for one reason or another."
"But it talks! Really it does. Go on, lemon-friend. Show her."
But the lemon remained silent. All Twilight could do was sigh in frustration.
"Look, Pinkie, I get that you like to prance around town, making jokes and playing pranks. It's who you are, it's what you do. Unfortunately, there are some ponies in this town with serious issues, that need to be handled in a serious manner with SERIOUS. SOLUTIONS."
"But-"
"No buts! Now, if you aren't here to help me some serious work, then you can help me by getting out."
As Pinkie walked out of the disgustingly crystalline castle, the door slamming behind her, she couldn't help but feel slightly dejected and more than a little betrayed. Why hadn't her new lemon friend talked for Twilight. Was she crazy? Or maybe she was just really tired. Who could say?
"Phew.", Pinkie heard the lemon say as they walked away from Twilight's home. "Sure am glad to be out of there."
"So you can talk!", Pinkie said angrily. "And here I was thinking I was crazy."
"Well, you are crazy.", The lemon said. "But that has nothing to do with why I wouldn't talk to your friend."
"Hey, yeah, what the heck was that all about? You made me look like a real dummy in there."
"Well, the answer to that question is way too complicated for you to understand. Honestly, I have trouble understanding it myself. But to put it simply, I, uhh. . . I got stage fright."
"Lemons don't get stage fright."
"Lemons don't talk either. Yet here I am, lemony as anylemon could ever be."
". . . Did you just say any lemon like it was one word?"
"Don't worry about it. Instead, worry about finding some more of your friends, so you can tell them what I told you."
"Hmmm. . . Oh, I know!", Pinkie shouted in excitement. "Rarity told me that she and Fluttershy were going to have tea, at Fluttershy's cottage today. If we head over there, we can kill two birds with one stone."
"Why would you want to kill two innocent little birdies?", the lemon questioned in horror. "What did they ever do to you?"
". . .They know what they did.", Pinkie stated grimly as she made her way to Fluttershy's cottage.
"So this is the place, huh?", the lemon questioned as they arrived at their destination. "It's kinda dumpy, isn't it?"
"Yeah, well, that's Fluttershy's place. With all the animals she keeps around here, I'm surprised it's not dirtier."
"Animals, you say?" the lemon said, beginning to quiver. "As in, vegetarian animals? The kind that like to eat cute, little lemons like me?"
"Don't worry," Pinkie said, trying to comfort her new lemon friend. "I'll be sure not to let any of 'em take a bite out of you."
"You better."
Pinkie made her way to Fluttershy's front door. Now that she got a good look at the place, it was kinda dumpy. But seeing as she lived in an apartment over a candy store, she wasn't one to judge. So she knocked.
"Heeeeeeeyyyyyy, Fluuuuuuuutterrrshyyyyyyyyy! I have a thing to tell you!" As with Twilight's house, Pinkie was knocking on Fluttershy's door as hard as she could. Unlike at Twilight's house though, the door was opened almost immediately. By one Angel Bunny. The sound of collapsing bones was sickening.
"Oh my god, I think you killed it."
"Don't worry about it.", Pinkie said, sliding the bunny's corpse nonchalantly into a bush. "This is like, the fifth bunny I've killed. She's got tons of 'em. Look, here's a replacement now."
And as Angel Bunny the sixth made his way into the cottage, so did Pinkie and the lemon. They couldn't see Fluttershy anywhere, but Discord and Rarity were enjoying their tea in a table set up in the center of the room.
"Hey, Rarity."
"Oh, hello, Pinkie Pie. What brings you over here? You said wouldn't be able to join us for tea today."
"Yeah, I didn't think I'd be able to.", Pinkie said. "And actually, I still can't. I came to tell you and Fluttershy something really major crazy important."
"And what, pray tell, would that be?" Rarity questioned.
"The secret to eternal happiness, of course."
"And where," Discord began. "would you get information like that?"
"From a talking lemon that fell from the sky."
"Pinkie, darling? Is this another one of your jokes?"
"No, I'm totally serious. Do you wanna hear it or not?"
"I'm afraid I'd rather pass." Rarity said. "I'm not terribly sure how reliable information obtained from a, er, talking lemon is."
"I'd listen to her, little miss Pie.", Discord said. "Back in my college days, I dated my fair share of lemons, and they were all pretty dishonest, some dangerously so. . . I miss my other kidneys."
"Well, this one seems honest enough.", Pinkie said with confidence.
"If you say so. I still don't want to hear whatever it has to say though. If you wanna tell Flutter-butter though, I could take you to her."
"Where is she."
"Funny enough, she went to Sugar Cube Corner, to see if you hadn't changed your mind about our little tea party."
"Really? Then I can probably find her by myself. Thanks for the offer, though."
"Oh, of course. Oh, umm, Rarara?", Discord questioned.
"Please don't call me that.", Rarity responded impatiently
"Would you be a lamb, and fetch my top hat from upstairs. I just can't have tea without my top hat."
"Well it just wouldn't be a tea party without fancy dress wear, now would it? Which reminds me, I have a dress that would be perfect for this little soiree we're having. I'll be right back!"
Rarity ran out the door, fashion and form the only things on her mind. Discord let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness. Now, I'm going to ask again: do you want me to take you to Butternut?"
"Fluttershy."
"Look, I'm taking you to her, alright? I can't take another moment in this place, alone with that pompous, insufferable unicorn. It's always fashion this, dresses that, city life and high society. Why does she even live in Ponyville?"
"Yeah, she's kinda a bitch, isn't she?", Pinkie asked matter-of-factly.
"Whoa, hey!", Discord said, surprised at Pinkie's language. "I wouldn't say that."
"I would. And I did. So there."
"Wow. Soooo. . . you wanna go see her or what?"
Discord had opted to walk most of the way to Sugar Cube Corner, fearful that they might run into Rarity if they just instantly teleported into town. But they had finally arrived, just in time to see Fluttershy stepping out of the store.
"Hey! Flutter-nut! I mean, Fluttershy!", Pinkie shouted at her shy, sensitive friend.
"Oh, um, hi, Pinkie. You know the Cakes are looking for you, right? You were supposed to go to work today."
"I'm supposed to go to work a lot of days. I've got more important things to do today. Like tell you a little secret."
"Oh, really?", Fluttershy said with mild excitement. "I like secrets."
"Well then, you'll definitely like this one, because it's the secret to eternal happiness!"
"Oh, that sounds lovely."
"So you wanna hear it?"
"Oh, definitely."
"All right, then. Bring your head close, so I can whisper in your ear."
Fluttershy did just that, and Pinkie spent the next several minutes telling her what she had been told by the lemon. Fluttershy's face kept alternating between mildly and desperately confused, with the occasional flash of understanding, until finally Pinkie was done.
"So?", Pinkie said expectantly.
". . .Huh? Oh! Umm, yeah, that was great. Really changed my life. I'll never be unhappy again."
"Great! There's one satisfied customer. Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where Rainbow dash is, would you?"
"Umm, she said she was going to hang out at Sweet Apple Acres. She's probably still over there, doing. . .something."
"Awesome! Thanks, Fluttershy!" Pinkie shouted, bouncing off towards Sweet Apple Acres. Fluttershy and Discord watched until she disappeared.
"So," Discord began. "what did she tell you?"
"She just blew hot air into my ear for five minutes. It was actually kind of. . .arousing."
"I don't know about you," the lemon said as they walked onward to Sweet Apple Acres. "but those lemons that that Discord guy dated sound more like bad apples to me."
"I'd be careful what you say about apples.", Pinkie said, a touch of fear in her voice. "We're headed to Sweet Apple Acres right now."
"An apple farm, I presume?"
"Yeah, an apple farm. Owned by my friend Applejack's family. Let me tell ya', they take their apple stuff pretty seriously. I'd be careful what you say over there."
"Or what? They'll juice me? . . . Actually, that's a terrifying thought. I'll shut up."
"Thanks."
Pinkie hopped her way into the orchard, eager to see the two who had yet to hear the good word. As she did, she spied a silly little filly, trying her best to buck the trees her sister tended to everyday.
"Hi, Applebloooomm!", Pinkie shouted, spronking her way over to the filly. "Watcha' doin'?"
"Whatsit to ya'?", Applebloom replied impatiently.
"Rude. Your rude."
"And your annoying. Are we done pointing out the obvious now?"
"No. You smell. Bad."
Applebloom sighed. Clearly, she hadn't expected the pink party pony to respond like that.
"Look, Pinkie, I'm sorry I snapped at ya'. I'm just upset because Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo are out trying to earn their cutie marks right now, and Applejack won't let me go. Somethin' real innocent too. Just a little lab experiment, ya know?"
"What kind of lab experiment?"
"Oh, makin' somethin' called methamphetamine, I think it was. We were looking through a book of experiments we found in the restricted section of Twilight's library, and Sweetie figured that the name was long and complicated so if we could make it, we'd be sure to get some kinda science type cutie marks. But when I asked Applejack where we could get battery acid, she knocked me upside the head and told me to get buckin'."
"Oh, well, uhh, that's too bad." Pinkie said, fully aware of and slightly worried with the fact that there were two fillies somewhere in Ponyville trying to make meth. Meth was her territory, and if they wanted to sell, she'd need a cut of their profits. She'd have to deal with that later. There were other things to attend to right now.
"Hey, Applebloom, you wouldn't happen to know where your sister or Rainbow dash are right now, would you?"
"Umm, well, mah sister's kinda busy right now, but if you want Rainbow Dash, she's been hangin' out in the barn most of the day, actin' really. . . creepy."
"'Kay, thanks, bye!" Pinkie yelled, walking off towards the barn.
"Hey, Pinkie Pie?"
"Yeah, Applebloom?"
"What's that in your mane there?"
"Huh?" Pinkie felt into her mane, unsure of what the filly was referring to. Coming across a round, bumpy object, she remembered that that's where she'd decided to store her lemon friend.
"Oh, that's just a lemon I met earlier today. He taught me the ecret to eternal happiness, so now I'm here to tell Rainbow Dash and your sister."
"Oh." Applebloom relied in mild surprise. " That's nice, I guess. Hey, uh, you go ahead and talk to Rainbow Dash. I'm gonna let my sister know you're here."
With that, Applebloom stumbled off, seemingly fearful of something. Whatever it was though, Pinkie didn't care. So she continued to make her way into the barn. As she opened the massive doors, she could see no signs of Rainbow Dash. She could hear plenty, though.
"What's with all the heavy breathing and clacking?", lemon asked, afraid of what might be lurking in the barn.
"Honestly," Pinkie began. "I'm more concerned with the wet rubbing sounds. Let me try something. HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY! RAAAIINNBOOOOOWWW DAAAASHH!"
In response to Pinkie's primal scream, there came a startled yelp and many crashing thuds from the upper level of the barn. Crashing through the floor, a type writer not far behind, came one dazed and confused rainbow-maned pegasus.
"Hi, Rainbow.", Pinkie said to her possibly concussed friend.
"Pinkie!", Rainbow Dash screeched in fury, regaining her composure. "What the hell was that about?"
"I was trying to see if you were here. And now I know you are."
"There are better ways to do that kinda stuff, Pinkie."
"Yeah, well, you know. So what's with the typewriter?"
Rainbow Dash's eyes lit up at the question. Pinkie immediately regretted asking it. "I'm glad you asked. You see, A.K. Yearling has been going through a bit of a dry spell with her adventures, which means she hasn't been able to write a book in a little while. And that kinda pisses me off. So I went to visit her the other day, and asked her whether or not she could just make up a little adventure to keep things going in-between, you know?"
"Yeah, I guess.", Pinkie said, not at all interested in the conversation.
"So she got real annoyed after a few days of that, and told me that if I as so eager for a new story, then I was more than welcome to write one myself. So that's what I'm doing."
"Doing what?"
"Writing a new Daring-Do book! I call it, 'Daring-Do and the Road to El Corazon'! It's about Daring-Do going on the search for a legendary city made entirely of gold, meeting a certain rainbow-maned stallion, and discovering that her desire for treasure has been driven by the one treasure she lacked all along: true love. I've already written up two chapters. You wanna give 'em a read?"
"No offense, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie began, fully intending to offend. "But that sounds really fucking stupid. In fact, it's so dumb that it's put a bad taste in my mouth. I came here wanting to tell you something, but now I couldn't care less whether or not you know. Good luck with your porn fic, or whatever."
"I'm sure you'll warm up to it. I'll mail you a copy later!", Rainbow Dash shouted as Pinkie walked away.
"Please don't!"
"Well, that was a waste of time.", Lemon said.
"Not as big a waste of time as that story she's writing. I mean, come on, Daring-Do would never choose love over treasure! Unless of course, it was for the affections of Ahuizotl, whom she's been in an on and off relationship with throughout the entire series."
"I take it you also write fanfiction for this book series?"
"What? No, no. It's totally canon. You just gotta read in between the lines."
"Read in between this!", said a voice just behind Pinkie.
"In between wh- OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA, WHY?", Pinkie shouted in pain as a baseball bat made contact with the side of her right hindleg.
"How does it feel, huh?" , the voice questioned with sheer contempt. Pinkie saw as four orange hooves made their way into her line of sight. Looking up, she saw that it was Applejack that had assaulted her.
"A-Applejack? Why, woul-"
"Shut the fuck up! I'm gonna ask you a couple questions now, Pinkie Pie. And I want you to answer them, best you can. First: what is the name of this farm?"
"What?", Pinkie said, confused and disoriented.
"I said, what is the FUCKING name of this farm!?"
"W-what?, Pinkie said again, scared out of her mind.
"Say what again!" Applejack shouted. "I fucking dare you to say what again!"
"Uh, uhh, t-this farm is, uh, Sweet Apple Acres?"
"Was that a question?"
"Umm. . . no?"
"WAS THAT A FUCKING QUESTION!?"
"NO, no it wasn't."
"Good. Now, let me ask the second question: What is my name?"
"Applejack."
"That's right. APPLEjack. Did you know that we grow apples on this farm, Pinkie Pie?"
"Uhh, yes, I did."
"Okay, good, good. Now, last question, I promise. What. The fuck. Are you doing with a lemon on my farm!?"
"No, Applejack, wait, I can-"
Pinkie awoke in the hospital several hours later that day, with seven broken ribs, a fractured spinal disk, and a lemon in a place she'd rather not talk about. The day had been more disappointing than any other day she'd ever known, if only because she hadn't been able to make anypony happy the way she'd wanted to. And also because she was bruised and battered over most of her body. It was too painful to move her neck, so she just talked, hoping somepony would hear.
"Hey, lemon?"
". . .What?"
"Why didn't we make anypony happy?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I tried all day and nopony wanted to hear the secret to eternal happiness. Hell, even when I tried to tell Fluttershy, I could tell how disinterested she was. So I just blew air into her ear for a few minutes."
"Sounds arousing.", the lemon said. "To answer your question though, Pinkie. . . well, there isn't really a good answer. Sometimes things just don't go your way. This was one of those times."
"That blows. Like, really hard."
"Yeah. Oh well. I guess I better be going."
"Yeah, you do that."
And as the lemon made its way out of the hospital, via heavenly rays of light, Pinkie was left to ponder. She thought of what the lemon had told her and how all her friends had reacted to her. She thought of Twilight's and Fluttershy's disinterest, Rarity's dismissal, and Applejack's violent fury. Then she thought of what Discord had mentioned, and as she thought on it, she realized maybe he'd been right all along. Lemon's were not to be trusted. And with that, Pinkie made up her mind.
Never again would she take life advice from a lemon. Because that would be fucking stupid.
