I am a beginning writer and like all of you, I will have some mistakes at first so if I ever do have any in my stories tell me kindly in a PM i will try to fix it ASAP!
When Discord manipulates Rainbow to a point where she ends up bullying Fluttershy, something unlocks in Shy that Rainbow never expected in Fluttershy..Revenge....and Fluttershy will take that revenge too as far as possibly hurting Rainbow dash...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Editor.
This story needs one.
This story has potential, but it really needs some major editing and the actual torture scene needs to be much more fleshed out.
Great idea but torture need to be lengthened.
(Grim dark style)
Nice job but it needs an editor
5651629 True...Ya' know what I'm going to make the torture scene ALOT longer than it probably should be but i dont care!..
This does have potential, but like everyone else is saying, it needs a editor and a bit of changing concerning your writing layout:
---------------------------Time Skip(This is where Rainbow started to Bully Flutters)--------------------------------------------------------
By doing this you kinda ruin the story. Don't point out the obvious, by doing this your basically milk feeding us. You should get rid of what you said in the brackets and instead describe what's going on or where we are at this moment of time. So, are we outside Fluttershy's cottage? Is Fluttershy just walking along a path? DESCRIBE, DESCRIBE, DESCRIBE!!! Describe the pain Dash is feeling when the knife stabs into her, say what she's feeling at that moment of time, but don't just say it's agonising or painful, describe it! Remember, don't milk feed us, rely on the audience a bit more.
Nonetheless, this has a good storyline, it just needs a bit of polishing. I recommend you take a look at Ezn's guide thingamabob (it's an actual word!), it's a decent guide that you can find at the FAQ section on the top green bar. I'm hoping to see more of your stuff in the future and I wish you good luck for your next fiction.
That was weird. I didn't like it but I couldn't stop reading... Weird
ill be brutally honest, this sucked
I like this.