• Member Since 29th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Knackerman


I am the Knackerman. Most of my writing deals with horror, suspense, and tragedy. And yes, there will be gore.

T
Source

A story from the past is not quiet what it appears to be. Fluttershy, the kindest pony in all of Equestria, was not always so kind and gentle. There was a moment, a pivotal moment, in her life that made her the pony she is today. But was that moment real...or make believe?
Let Discord be your guide and see.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 20 )

Pleasant. /sarcasm

A few mistakes here and there, but overall it was good. I really like the concept too!

Have a like.

This is fan fic is kinda like a Twilight Zone episode. I approve and fav.

I've been kicking around something like this but different. Long story short: Fluttershy fell as usual but no butterflies, she landed on a mountain side, had her wings so broken that they had to be amputated, but by a mareacle, her legs unbroken. She thankfully came across kind earth ponies that then took her to the local hospital and agreed to adopt her as their own. While recovering she had an epiphany that she should punish those who abuse their race's gift. (She's looking at you Flim Flam Bros.) She changed her name to Gaia Equinox and in marehood she will use the stare to basically become Amon from the Legend of Korra. Also Cloudsdale thinks she is dead. Is that too dark?

681963
Doesn't sound dark enough to me! But it does sound interesting. There's a lot of room to work with Fluttershy, There have been so few episodes that are about her that don't seem to get taken over by Rainbow Dash or one of the other mane six. Of all them, i think she's the most mysterious so far.

..how can you willingly hurt fluttershy?:fluttercry:

683629 i do agree with you in the sense that fluttershy's background leaves much to interpretation. but stories about her going maniacally insane just seem wrong. i much prefer stories like the fluttershy segment in the pony psychology series http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/06/story-pony-psychology.html and if you haven't read the entire thing, do it now.681963

I was not expecting that ending. I was all "Oh, yeah, the butterflies'll catch her" and then that happened. :pinkiegasp:

684377
How can you not? She's the perfect victim really. I'm surprised there aren't more stories where she's victimized. Though I will say I went out of my way to make sure that those that tormented her in the story were sufficiently reprehensible. I don't approve of bullies generally speaking.
685207
I was going for a bit of shock factor there. But think about it...how could butterflies support a pony, even a small one? I know its a just a children's show, but I really hope no one ever jumps from a cliff (or some other high spot) into a swarm of butterflies and expect to live.

celestia is PISSED

Without thier presence, she found herself drawn to the camp instructors. At first, they had mistakenly tried to use her to instruct the other children on proper flying methods, thinking her extra year of age meant an extra years worth of flying experience.

Their.

“What do ya think you’re doing, Flutter-Cry?”

D'aww, don't you dare hurt Fluttershy or I will rip you limb from limb, and pitch your severed skull at a soon to be Cafe-Squashed Fleur de Lis for good measure.

“What do ya think you’re doing, Flutter-Cry?” She didn’t recognize the boy right away, but then one of his friends spoke up. “Looks like she wants to sit with us Dumbell. Maybe she doesn’t know that this tables reserved for the best young fliers...not the worst!”

Did you mean "Dumbbell"? Also, "best young fliers... Not the worst!"?

He was the defacto leader of his little group of friends and Fluttershy was beginning to realize trying to sit anywhere near him was a mistake. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ll just...I’ll find somewhere else to sit...”

It's typically spelled "de facto", and you're a missing a space after "..." again.

“I’m...I’m sorry,” she sputtered, “I didn’t mean to...I tripped and...” But the more she tried to apologise, the more they laughed. An angry shout came from across the hall.

"..." again, twice. While both "Apologise" and "Apologize" are accurate, the slightly archaic (ie: more proper, British.) way of spelling with an S might not fit with what you intended the tone of the story to be, and some people will think it clashes. So even though both are right, it's still something worth noting.

“My names Rainbow Dash, whats yours!?”

Name is, name's. What's, what is. When asking a question that is also an exclamation, the question mark generally comes first.

“Flu...Fluttershy...” she almost whispered.

Again.

“Not...not really...” A rosy blush came to the yellow pegasus cheeks.

Again.

“Well don’t worry, like I said, I’ve been in way worse crashes than that every day! I’m probably the fastest flier here but...heh...I’ve got a little problem knowing when to throw on the brakes."

Again and Again.

“That’s why they call me Derpy! I can fly pretty good...but not always the right way up.” She laughed, her unique eyes bright.

Again.

“Shut up! You stay quiet or I swear my friend will break your stupid arm!” It was Hoops, from earlier.

You were warned about hurting Flutters, Hoops, let the decapitation commence.

Hatred seeped from the colts eyes in a manner that frightened the filly into silence.

colt's eyes, possessive.

“Its...too...late...for that!” He yelled, kicking her one final time before leaning down so he could stare her right in the face. “He’s gone...and we’re going to make the rest of your time here at camp a living nightmare! Get ready Cluttershy, because this is just a taste of what you have to look forward to!”

Again and Again and Again and Again.

“Hey, whatcha guys doin?” Derpy Hooves had trundled out of the barracks, dragging a blanket behind her and rubbing the sleep from her eyes.Fluttershy gasped in relief as the pressure eased off her back.

eyes. Fluttershy

“I’m fine, thank you...um...Derpy.” The blonde filly smiled and helped her friend to her feet.

Again and Again.

And of course, capitalization after each period.

Adrift in a field of stars, words blossom and die, writ large across the heavens. It is peaceful in the eye of the storm.

Reference check! Natural 20.

When she discovered she was the source of the sound, a ceaseless low keening, she tried to stop...but the noise was automatic.

A space and a capitalization after each (or the last in a set of) periods.

She could barely breath, she could hardly think.Tears came, hard and fast.

Space after the period, and it's "breathe".

Little more than wet sack of shattered bone and feathers held on only tenuously by a few scraps of flesh and unbroken tendon, her wing suddenly became a beacon of pain that overshadowed all other hurts.

"pain" and "hurts" seem to clash together, conflicting descriptive terms. You could just put "all others" if you wanted, to avoid using the word "pain" or "pains" too often.

What was that above her? She could just barely make out the sound of...wings? They were!

Again with the beloved space and capitalization.

The pain in her wing had subsided...too many of the nerves had been severed by shards of bone for her to truly register the ruined appendage as anything more than a weight on one side of her body now that it had been allowed to bleed out.

Again.

Blind fear filled Fluttershy’s eyes as she saw this new creatures shape draw nearer.

Singular creature, possessive: "Creature's shape".

His fur was so white and soft...just like a cloud.

Again.

Leaves...leaves meant trees. She was on the ground! She wasn’t allowed to be on the ground!

Again.

“Oh thank you so much...your just a little angel, aren’t you?” The pegasus thought for a moment, “Is it okay if that’s what I call you? Angel?”

Again. Also: "You're".

She had begun to have waking dreams where her parents would walk out of the forest, pretty as you please, come to scold her for worrying them so...come to take her home. Those moments always ended the same painful way. She would try to stand...to go to them, to join them, to be reassured that everything was going to be alright...only to have broken legs falter beneath her

Again and Again.

Still, Angel did what he could for her and she appreciate the bunnies administrations.

Singular creature, possessive: "Bunny's".

She found herself crying again, softly, lest she wake the rabbit sleeping snugly next to her. It wasn’t all bad...Angel had kept her company through the long hours of her delirium.

Again.

“Oh me, oh my. Can you believe just how lucky we are Dumbell? Days of searching...and we’re the first to find her! This is just...too...perfect!”

Again, again, again. Also, decapitation commence.

“No...stop it...he didn’t do anything!”

Again and Again.

His laughter was cut short as he looked into her face. Fluttershy had managed to drag herself to Angels shattered body.
Her words were so quiet, yet it seemed every other sound in the forest had died...as if the world had gone silent just to hear her speak.“Pathetic animal. You call this...stupid, brave little angel a pathetic animal?”

Go Fluttershy! Also: Again and Again.

“Aww...you want me to stop. You want me to show mercy?”

Again.

“NO...I DON’T THINK IT WAS!”

Again.

Hoops wings struggled vainly against the dirt, instinctively trying to get him airborne,
“Please...” he wheezed through clenched teeth. “Don’t kill me...don’t kill me!”

Again and Again.

Tears spiraled from Twilight Sparkles eyes, floating globules of sadness and disbelief. This wasn’t right, this was far too cruel.
This wasn’t like with the others...this just didn’t make sense!

Sparkle's eyes: Possessive. Also: Again.

Her color was draining faster now, spiraling out of her in thick lashes of purple and midnight to soak her words....and others into the hungry pages. Twilight was losing herself and she knew it...but just a little longer.

Again and Again.

Dash did a quick turn in mid-air towards the shout, but almost lost her again...that is until Hoops started crying for his mother.

Again.

"Th-thank you! I thought I was...I thought I was going to die." Hoops was barely conscious. It was no exaggeration to say that Dash had probably saved his life.

And one last time: Again.

3232157
Cards on the table, my editor was burned out by this point in the series and was pretty much saying she'd read it but I'm not sure she actually did any editing aside from adding her own bits to the story here and there. That and spelling everything Britishly. She is British. As to all the '...' there are a lot of those in my earlier work. I'm trying to get away from that.

3233141

I was probably being OCD because I was like: "I already posted errors for some of his other stories, why not do it again?"

I didn't post anything for Broken Magic or Origins: A Family Recipe, or I don't recall doing so.
Because I found the concept of doing that again annoying P:

I can edit out all the corrections from my posts when you tell me you've actually corrected them in the story itself, so it doesn't sit looking tacky forever.

3240694
Actually, in the future, if you do see anything you think is a mistake or something that should be corrected, just send me an instant message about it rather than cluttering up the comments section. I'd rather people comment on the story itself rather than it's various grammatical qualities (or lack there-of :pinkiesad2:)

I've made most of your suggested corrections.

what order are these 'Broken' series in?

10311926
Technically you could read them in any order, but it probably makes the most sense to go Truth, Laughter, Charity, Kindness, Loyalty, and Magic.

Then Broken: Love is kind of a stand alone story that was meant to be part of a trilogy, but ended up being aborted due to developments in the show.

Memories aa strange thing. Truth is objective, but our minds and perception are limited.
Perspective...

Magic has limits and the brain cannot be so easily manipulated, unless memories are altered. You cannot change memories and you cannot implant false memories without stitching the descrepancies, patching up and masking the contradictions.
Magic can not make, but it could take and shape and break.
Pages of Harmony

How long have you been watching, Celestia? How long have you been waiting?
Two colts, evil as they were, nearly died! Was this all part of your plan, you schemer? How many have to suffer for you to accomplish your goals for a utopia?

You want to know something funny, Celestia?
You were destined to fail as soon as your little project began. You've treaded into some murky water. Does it scare you to realize how surrounded you are in that obscure ocean? This isn't a pool, this isn't a pond, and your delusions and goals have blinded you!
Look around, Celestia. You're lucky to be alive right now...

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