Rainbow Dash discovers that she's a changeling. All her friends think she is a spy sent to Ponyville to gather intel on the Elements Of Harmony. Now she has to prove she is the real Rainbow Dash.
This is my first story! Enjoy!
Chapters (8)
Blazing Dash
Joined 7th Jan, 2015 ·
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The chapters are so rushed I am afraid to say this feels more like a weird slice of life story (and this is coming from someone who writes obscure crossovers and classroom crackfics, mind you.) You need an editor and pre-reader, and you need them pronto. :/
I'll just be brunt to help you: this is so rushed it hardly resembles a real story. It could maybe pass as a synopsis for a 20k+ story. Please get yourself some help from editors, pre-readers and/or help groups.
Try writing good shortstories first before taking on stories that would take multiple independent scenes.
Also, as a general hint: if all chapters of a story are under 1k, that ALWAYS means it's rushed/bad.
Way to rushed. The length of one chapter and almost all of them are 230. Story makes no sense. I mean, it would make more sense if it was all one chapter.... Still it is just.... Awful... Sorry....
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Well this was my first fanfic... I'll probably rewrite it while keeping the main ideas. Thanks for the feedback and if you could tell me some tips or whatever that would help that would be nice.
Yikes... Only 6 paragraphs, if I can call them that...
I'm not a great writer by any means, but my advice for anyone when telling a story is to show, not tell. For this single scene of a chapter, I am lost. Where am I at in Ponyville? What does the machine look like? Does it give off an ominous presence or just something that's there being mundane? We hear that twilight is excited, but how do the others feel?
The transformation itself is lacking details. Use the 5 five senses to describe what's happening. Does Dash glow from the applied magic? Does she feel uncomfortable or pain during the process? Perhaps like shedding of a full body coat. What can we hear? Rumbling from the machine or the gasps of the surrounding ponies or a warning wail for detecting a changeling?
Try to paint the scene. Translate your vision in a way your intended audience can comprehend and enjoy. There are many techniques out there to instill a feeling you want to get across. Even if it is a one shot idea and not a novel, you should still try to show us what's happening.
Oh, which reminds me. Actions and reactions. Move the characters around, shift their expressions, notice body language, retract in emotion from what happened. Actions speak louder than words. They express deeper meaning in characters than saying that Rairity fainted. Explain what goes through her mind as she screams in horror or fills with stunned shock that she falls over. Is she even there?
Oops. Sort of went on a rant there. Anyways. There's your constructive criticism for the day. I might do some more for your other chapters, but who knows.
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Thanks for the advice!
.......Chapters are too short
Favourited! But I won't rate. I find the storyline very interesting, but the build-up is quite bad. Why is the tag 'adventure' here again?
I literally can't figure out how to say what all is wrong with this story without sounding degrading...
what an ending so randome
This is clearly your first story isn't it? Before you ask how I knew look at the number of words in each chapter.
I'm actually writing a story of my own but the first chapter won't be ready for a while right now I'm working on the prologue which will encompass every game in the Battle Network series including Network Transmission (which I'm currently playing through.) and Battle Chip Challenge.
Please give it a read once the first part of the prologue which encompasses the events of MegaMan Battle Network is published and the story is submitted.
P.S. Spoilers abound
i don't hate it it just seems rushed
Adding all the letters the total number of words used in this story is 1,897
Just one of my chapters in my first story is longer. No offense but you need to edit this.
There's an ok outline here but it needs massive cleanup and expansion.
I like the concept of the story but in my opinion it has two bad things about it:
1) the chapters are way too rushed
2) the ending seems a little abrupt