Derpy tells Dinky the story how Twilight became Celestia's Faithful Student and earned her Cutie Mark.
An (maybe) episodic approach to Twilight's character. Written in form of stories about her.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 15th May, 2014
- offline last seen January 3rd
Ozymandias42
Discord, Discord, Discord~~ I like Discord. And Twilight. Shipped^^
Ozymandias42
Joined 15th May, 2014 ·
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You should not be using commas after you end with quotation marks. You should also end the statement in quotation marks. Enroll is missing an 'l'.
Could perhaps be Thunk!
With this, you should not be adding in things making the plot feel like a script. It makes the characters fell almost robotic using "---".
You have some simple writing mistakes but in general I enjoyed the story, however, I believe that you focused far too much on the lesser points of the story. There was a lot of wasted plot used for what could have been good detail but instead you used with pointless conversation. I believe you could have made this story greater, but you really are detailed and try your best in your words.
5442507
Wow. That's a long comment!
Thanks for the detailed review and pointing out flaws. I'll try to fix it.
As for the '--' -indented parts. Do you think it would have been better to write those parts italic instead?
I wanted to emphasise two things at this point. First of, I wanted Dinky to be speechless because Derpy caught her off guard by connecting the story to her own life and secondly, I wanted to emphasise how much Dinky has been spellbound by the story.
On account of the parts I 'wasted' on conversation; would you mind if I inquire where exactly I did so in your eyes?
Not, that I'd say you're wrong but for me the dialog to description ration seemed pretty well balanced. Maybe I'm biased, though.
Anyway, thank you very much for your constructive criticism and also for the Fav.
I'd really like to know what people think makes a story great, I, of course, have my own opinion on that, too.
Info: If anyone finds another 'enrol' in my story instead of 'enroll' just tell me.
Apparently 'enrol' is deemed incorrect here though my autocorrect (set to british english) stated the opposite.
I guess 'enroll' is the american english version.
Go for whichever enrol/enroll is correct to your location. The rules only say your story has to be in English, it doesn't say which English.
5442651
In that case I can freely choose, since I'm german :D
..Though, I prefer british english. The spelling of some words makes more sense in my eyes, even if it's slightly counter-intuitive at times.
Look at favorite/favourite for example. The 'o' is very smooth here as opposed for example in 'stop' and the additional 'u' emphasises/emphasizes this, as does the second 's' in 'emphasise', which makes sense in speaking at the -'ses' part as compared to the -'zes' part in american english.
Anyway, language is in constant change and therefore flexible. It's just my personal preference and aside from that, english isn't even my native language so I guess I'm just being weird.
I prefer British English most of the time too, although there are some words I go for American English or neither of them. I'm Australian, and we use a mix and match of the two most of the time.
A few cases where Australians don't use American or British English are 'capsicum' (bell pepper/pepper), 'fairy floss' (cotton candy/candy floss), 'footpath' (sidewalk/pavement), and bushfire (wildfire). There are more, but this isn't an exhaustive list.
For people like you who learned English as a second (or third/fourth/etc.) language, I have found a general pattern that Europeans and people from Commonwealth countries lean toward British English and everyone else goes for American English.
5442842
Interesting. I didn't think this would be common.
This story needs a lot of help. Half the time you refer to Dinky as a boy! And in the first section, when Derpy is starting to tell the story, you refer to the filly the story is about as an it!! Grammar is all over the place too. Misplaced punctuation, etc., etc. It's a somewhat interesting idea, Ozymandias, but the iffy English is really hurting the story. I understand it isn't your first language, but you really need a proof reader with more experience with written English, if nothing else.
5442932
Seriously? Did I really oversee a mistake this stupid?!
I remember that I wasn't sure if she's a boy or a girl but decided to refer to her as girl but I was sure I did so consequently.
Should this be true, then for this I apologise.
(btw. if you're referring to the part where I referred to Dinky as Derpy's little rascal, than yeah, I'm pretty much aware that this is usually used for males but I thought it may apply to more tomboyish girls as well. If someone feels obliged to do so, please correct me on this one.)
As for the rest. I doubt everyone is such a grammar-nazi to notice every little misplaced comma.
Not to say such things were not important, but you can overdo it sometimes and I don't think a perfect sentence structure is more important than a well build narrative. (which is subject to subjectivity as well.^^).
As for my grammatical potpourri you so dramatically described as 'all over the place', I'd like to see at least one example for my, oh so grave mistakes, since -you might not believe it- I do indeed have a proof reader, who hapens to be a native speaker and author.
Thank you very much and have a nice day.
tl;dr: I don't give a bleep about critics as long as they're too lazy to be constructive. If they are NOT, however, I'm very grateful for every advice and am hereby asking for it. (yes I am, give me your all you trolls!
)
5443033
Well, if you want the specifics, I'll give them to you. But don't blame me for the long list!
It should be "her mother" since Dinky is a girl and you already established that she is a filly.
A filly is a girl. You wouldn't refer to a child as an it when the gender is given, so you should write, "She was the brightest little filly of all and her parents were very proud of her."
Oh, and look at the format of that whole bit of dialogue for a moment:
There's absolutely no reason for the third sentence ("'This filly, however, loved learning above all.'") to be down a line from the first two. The extra line there is just awkward and jarring.
Missing comma. It should read: "Dinky asked, captivated."
Several gender mistakes here. Each time Derpy refers to the little filly, you should say "she" instead of "it." So "...no matter what she learned she just couldn't find out what her Cutie Mark was." Then you need to have a double space before you start the next sentence. By the way, it's perfectly fine to refer to a girl as a rascal. The problem is that after that you say, "...looking deeply into his eyes." instead of "...looking deeply into her eyes."
OK, I'm not particularly practiced at the grammar for dialogue, so I had to look it up, but if you're going to use an ellipses (that's the formal name of the "..." you see) you need to EITHER use that, OR use a comma. And you NEVER put a comma before a word! ",she" will ALWAYS be wrong. So either change that chunk to "That is..." she continued, "until one fateful day." OR preferably to "That is," she continued, "until one fateful day." Actually, the next sentence, "The day the little filly was to enroll in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns." is not a sentence, just a fragment. The whole thing should probably be changed to:
"That is," she continued, "until one fateful day--the day the little filly was to enroll in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. It was that special day that would change the little unicorn's life forever..."
Make sure you include the ending quotation mark, a possessive apostrophe in "unicorn's," a comma framing the "she continued," part of the phrase, and don't add an extra line if it's not necessary. "Would" sounds much better than "should" in the last sentence. You don't need a comma in that sentence either.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
This whole section left me with a really bad impression. I'm sorry, but that's how I felt. If you really, really want me to go through the rest of the piece, I will, but I'm only going to do that much work for someone who has actually asked for it and that I know is going to use it. I've barely met you and I don't know whether very many authors actually go back and edit their stories once they're published. I'm not trying to be offensive or abusive, just help you improve the story.
5446496
Okay. Thank you very much. It seems I had the wrong impression of you and I promise to correct everything you pointed out.
Frankly, I'm pretty impressed that you actually took it upon you to go through all of that instead of just picking one as example.
Again, thank you very much, your help is appreciated.
P. S.: Now I have to defend my 'proof-reader' who obviously overlooked what you just pointed out. I guess he only skimmed through and payed more attention to the content then what was written exactly. In that sense I guess the term 'proof-reader' has been used a bit too lightly here.
5446613
I'm really glad I could help! Good luck with your editing!
5446637
Okay. I'm done. I've re-read everything and corrected everything you pointed me to, as well as several other syntactical and grammatical hiccups.
Seeing how much it was, I really have to apologise. Again. I should have checked it earlier and more thorough.
(And maybe I shouldn't have written it at 10pm while doing five other things simultaneously :D)
Anyway, if it isn't too much, I'd like to ask if, by any chance, you were interested in proof-reading potential future stories, you seem to have a keen eye for it.
EDIT.: How could I possibly forget? HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
(time of writing: 11:47PM GMT+1 12.31.2014)