A little practice-one-shot about Discord and Twilight.
Twilight is busy coordinating Winter Wrap Up when our favourite Draconequus has just one little question. Or has he?
They start talking and Twilight begins to discover a new side to Discord which comes as a great surprise to her.
How will Twilight react? She seeks help from Fluttershy.
Apparently Discords best friend got her onto something...
The events of this story (or this chapter; for the time being) are shown through her eyes.
EDIT: Corrected several grammatical and stylistic flaws as suggested in the comments, and tweaked the ending a little bit.
Chapters (1)
Okay, I like the story, I just don't like the ending. I do have some corrections for you if you don't mind though. Here we go:
1.When you press enter for a new paragraph, you should do it twice so it will indent to mark it as a new paragraph or bit of thought or talking.
2.
Really should go directly after (space in between of course) twisted way, to make it one paragraph for it is one speaking part.
3.
It would sound better if you put She said suddenly instead of She suddenly said.
4.
It's a bit confusing with the first paragraph before this seen. I would suggest putting Twilight was clearly distraught on the same line as her speaking part.
That's all I can really find. great job on it though, and I hope I don't sound mean putting this on here but I just thought I'd let you know.
4882567
Not one bit. Thx for the advice it will be applied.
Btw. I'm glad to hear that you liked the general style.
Interesting start. Would like to see more of this. Don't really have anything to add, critique-wise, that 4882567 didn't already point out. Liked how you wrote Discord and Twilight. Good job.
I like the direction you're taking with the Twi/Discord interaction. These concepts could make for an excellent story. Hope to see it soon
. As for advice? Flagstar seemed to have covered most of the points you slipped on. Mostly little things that'll be improved with practice and possibly finding an editor to work with. There are actually some groups you might try that could help you with that: The Writers Group, School for New Writers and Overly Extensive Editors to name a few.
Hope that helps
5300960
Thanks for the advice, but in regard to the story I have to disappoint you. It's just that. Concepts, though I am currently working on one such story, if though just as 'started just for fun to see how far I get with improvising.'-kind of story without any detailed idea for an end.
Again, thanks for the comment and help.
P. S.: You may have just been the reason I might actually continue this one-shot at some point.
5301054
.
Well, that's in the nature of one-shots, is it not? Idle ideas we toy with, throw out to test, and then use later. As was said though, great start so far and I look forward to what you come up with
And this is what I love about the show: the luxury of slice of life. How a story can be about nothing. I love it. There's no nothing to be done nor had; just Discord coming into town and doing his thang. Speaking of which, much better than that story about Discord fapping all over Ponyville. Cannot un-read.
Finally got to read your story. Lot of potential there, I look forward to more.
5428045
Happy to hear you liked it.
What a wonderful slice-of-life moment between Discord and Twilight! There were a few issues with spacing out the dialogue or lines of text, but overall this was a nice read. It's great when you can have a piece that is really about these two characters getting along.
5477545
I can only agree to that.
I'm glad you like it.
5479541 Of course! It was a lovely tale.