TIME: 20:56
DATE: 02/02/84
LOCATION: 40.7127° N, 74.0059° W, within the remains of Old York City, Times Square
The team has been called into the area because of a recent fluctuation with radio signals. Once the radiation suits had been donned and the immediate location scanned for mutants, it was deemed safe to search.
No immediate threats were detected. Radar picked up no scans of enemy targets or even a hint of a Robotic Ruskie in the area. A fallout still hung overhead, which won’t be going away anytime soon for nearly twenty years now. Thankfully, it wasn’t raining radioactive snow on any of the team. Radiation-proof umbrellas are just too damn expensive.
Eventually, the disturbance in the radio signal was discovered. And not a moment too soon. The lotto was about to start. The East Coast Correlation of Yanks were threatening to bomb TexasCo (again) because of it. Damn state-countries can’t get it together with these types of emergencies.
One of the team members, let’s call him Steve (note that all team members are referred as Steve, even the females, mostly to save time and because they die too soon for us to remember their names or care about it), was the first to discover the disturbance. From what he’s frantically screaming in our compiece, it’s apparently a doozy.
Apparently it’s nothing to really be excited about. Just another portal to a different dimension. However, this one was actually big enough for someone to fit through, which was quite different than those others that just poured toxic chemicals or candy wrappers wherever they pop up. I swear, they’re becoming more annoying than frontal lobe advertisements.
Since the portal was messing with the radio signals, something had to be done about it. The team was originally intended to handle malfunctioning electrical boxes, shorted out cable wires, and the odd psychopath with an axe made out of recycled soda cans, but they had the clearance for the go-ahead to explore inside the portal. Who knew how long it would stay open. Plus, like I said, threat of nuclear annihilation between two former Amerika state-countries. Something like that hasn’t happened since last October (no one liked Kansas Korp anyway).
Once they entered the portal we lost all visual contact with the team, but we did have voice communications up and running, so this is what we were able to gleam from their discover.
“Holy shit, it’s sunny here.”
“Can you smell that? It’s fresh air! Oh Gawd, I never thought I’d smell it again!”
“I don’t even have a nose and I can tell it’s fresh!”
“Whoa, whoa, guys, look! It’s the sun! And my skin isn’t immediately burning off! This is amazing!”
“By Gandhi's nuclear, zombified corpse, this place has grass! And not just GRASS™, but actual grass!”
“OH GAWD THEY HAVE WATER AND MY TEETH AREN’T FALLING OFF BY DRINKING IT! THIS IS HEAVEN!”
Apparently from the recordings the team had found a true paradise not on Earth. When we pressed them to explore further, Steve told us to fuck off because he was sniffing flowers. We deducted such a remark on the marks in Steve’s paycheck. We don’t know which Steve so we just chose one from random. That’d show him.
Good thing for us, the team didn’t need to explore further before some natives discovered them. We were surprised the team wasn’t killed immediately by some weird alien monster thingy, and that surprise just grew more so when we heard this.
“Uh, excuse me. Who are you monst—erm, things… people. Just what are you?”
“By the Queen’s cyborg heart, it’s a talking midget horse!”
“You mean a pony?”
“Nah, that’s clearly a dog.”
“Dogs can talk?”
“With an implant I think you can make them. You just gotta—”
“Excuse me! I still have a question.”
“We, tiny-midget-talking-horse, are a group of adventurers from a far away land. We are in the search for a great treasure. You, uh, wouldn’t happen to have any hotpockets and Mt. Dew on you, perchance? Ever since the Ruskies stole the Mt. Dew factories from the moon I haven’t had a sip in ages!”
“I’m… not even sure what Mt. Dew is. And did you just say you’re from the moon? And what’s a hotpocket?”
This continued on for a tedious five minutes. We learned the midget horse was called Twilight Sparkle, apparently some princess or some shit like that. It was very hard to pay attention because the team kept on raving about how large the creatures’ eyes were. Also, the colors. Most of them were color blind due to birth defects, but apparently it was still pretty neat. Oh, also the fact that the creatures had freakishly large craniums and some even had horns and wings. Looks like they had worse birth defects than we did. One of the team was worried the midget horse was going to suck his brains out through a straw. Ha, classic Steve.
Oh, anyway, another recording got through before the, well, end.
“Are you guys eating the grass now?”
“Better than what the serve back home!”
“I don’t really think that’s healthy.”
“Nah, it’s fine. I have more tumors than stomach at this point.”
“Uh, look, I think you all really need to… well, leave. Some other ponies from Ponyville are freaking out at the sight of you. One of your people tried to ride them.”
“Ha, classic Steve.”
“Listen, it’s not funny. None of that is. We tried to get along with you people through understanding and acceptance, but you just shoved it aside and asked for more hotpockets.”
“Your hotpockets are too cold, by the way.”
“I don’t even know what a hotpocket is, by the way. I tried to learn more about who and what you are from the short time that you’ve been here, and from the gist of it, I don’t like it a bit. Especially Nixonlord. Jeez, what a creep.”
“Hey, I didn’t vote for him.”
“I did it five times.”
“Gawddamnit, Steve.”
“Still, even the most fundamental lesson about friendship I tried to teach you was thrown back into my face.”
“Because friendship is gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!”
“Now, that isn’t very nice to say.”
“No, it is, literally. Friendship means happiness. And everything knows happiness is gay.”
“...”
“Hey Steve, you’re gay, right?”
“Go back through your damn portal.”
And with that the team was pushed back through. No sign of Steve though. One can only think he stayed behind, forever in bliss in the midget horse lands. Or he could be dead. Either way, we spent his paycheck on hookers.
Good news is that the radio signal was fixed and Steve was dead. Bad news is that the different dimension was really stuck up and lame. Just like the cuddling bear tattoo dimension. Or the fuzzy dinosaur one. Man, what a bunch of lame-o’s.
Oh hey, we’re still getting a signal from Steve in the other dimension.
“My Little Midget Horse, My Little Midget Horse.”
“Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhh…”
“I used to wonder what friendship could be.”
“Until all you sha—”
…
That was about it. Well, other than savage beating and cries for help. But we’re sure Steve is fine.
“MY LEGS! MY LEEEEEEEGS!”
Ha, classic Steve.
i.imgur.com/lLudxfd.jpg
So now it's Post Nuclear Apocalyptic Borderlandsque HiE? Those pain meds must be pretty good. =x
This is utterly ridiculous.
Holy shit you actually published it.
Ah, classic Steve
I have no idea what I just read...
...but I'm intrigued.
And so the next portal led to a very sarcastic dimension where we all experienced the total bliss of being a mind slave.
"Soon I, Marik Ishtar, shall rule the world of Steves."
"Yes master."
"Frigging hell Odion, stop looking wistfully at that portal and obey me. They already closed the one that led to the Gummy Bear dimension anyway."
"Maybe I can reopen it."
"Can you un-nuke it too? No? Yeah, didn't think so."
5380712
It's the pain meds.
Well then... Steve is pretty dumb. Must be the Hotpockets.
Damn and i though its gonna be crossover with romanticallyapocalyptic.
5380911 Yeah so did I haha
Pgffffffffffffffffftttttt
lolwutski
You sir, have done a fantastic job yet again! And even for a 1,200 word chapter, the pacing is pretty damn good! I'm guessing it's going to be a very fast paced series if you do continue this
Some dimensions are incompatible due to subtle changes in fundamental constants. Some are incompatible due to mutual incomprehensibility. And then there are those that experience the jerk/lame-o paradigm. So close, and yet so far.
Amusing stuff. Glad to have you back, Bob.
peace, love, and gas masks
Classic Steve.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/52/87/11/5287116764f638ea9d09de65c5bcae47.jpg
I'm loving the Yugioh Abridged references. I'm absolutely loving it!
Excuse me... Sir.... Sir! Sir... Where are my hot pockets? What do you mean sir? I have to go off gallivanting across dimensions, sir? It's in another dimension, Sir? I demand an explanation sir!
...
So, Sir, My dear friend Steve Sir, Sir, is stuck in MLP: FiM Sir? That is correct sir? And he somehow managed to wreck the space-time continuum sir? I would sincerely like to know, Sir, if we are insured against this, Sir.
...
No, Sir we are not insured.
...
Dammit Sir! You had one job sir! One Job!
...
And what was that job sir?
...
To make sure we had hot pockets, Sir! And always call each other Sir, Sir!
...
It appears we have a Sir, Sir problem, Sir...
...
And what is it Sir?
...
That the hot pockets are raining down upon us, along with Mt. Dew, Sir!
...
Call in Africa and all third world countries now Sir! Sir, this is O- Day, I repeat O- Day!
...
Hai, Sir! Operation Obesity Day is a go! Operation Obesity Day is a go!
...
And everybody lived happily ever after, forever hailing Steve as the God for he brought peace on Earth by wrecking the space-time continuum so that we could eat junk food that rains down forever more and watch awesome kaiju fights along with other equally awesome things!
5380712
You know something we don't? i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/4255805184/h1801A8B9/ Keep it well, stranger and you might get your reward.cryptomundo.com/wp-content/uploads/octopus_w_96_tentacles_1-1.jpg
You got Mt. Dew, good. But...what? No Doritos? They go good with hotpockets.
"Old York City"..... York (aka Old York) is located in the UK :P
Oh my mighty lord of war and honour, that was actually the funniest fiction I've read to date. Don't stop, ever, please. Else I won't be able to pray to Tyr about how amazing this is any more.
5382213
Not anymore it isn't!
Best HiE I've ever read.
Ha, classic Steve.
5382387 He's thinking of Old Old York.
great, the only people who survived are the ones who had played fallout and metro... no wonder the human race is boned.
*Rushes off to change name*
I think 'friednship' was the funniest slip-up I found :V
Good god....he did it....Gandi nuked everyone....
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I+love+civ+but+who+gave+him+a+nuke+rating_429c18_5174912.png
“By Gandhi's nuclear, zombified corpse, this place has grass!
Gandhi wouldn't be the radioactive zombie. That would be everyone else.
s2.quickmeme.com/img/d4/d4e50e6c27ac0bc23c786c5dc1e406ce75eaed90277e471a96f95ec8754379eb.jpg
Sounds like Steve. But let's face it, deep inside, we are all Steve!
Oh My Yes! This is wonderfully wonderful!
Heyoo!