Utterly Ridiculous

by RainbowBob

Chapter 4: Goddamn Aussies

TIME: 23:04

DATE: 06/12/84

LOCATION: AUSTRALIALAND™

Those assholes have finally done it this time. The dingo mutants got out of hand again with the emu emos. You’d think the latter would be easy to push around, but shit, mate, you ain’t ever seen an emu acting emo before. Shit is crazy like that.

While both dingus sides (especially the dingos) started lobbing small-scale mini-nukes at each other (apparently they were having a sale on eBay for that shit), another one of those portal things opened up. Just our luck, am I right?

Now, apparently it wasn’t to another eldritch abomination cesspit. Thank GOD™, because we just had one of those bastards tear up half the country last year. Literally half of it. Clear off. Half the fucking continent… country… fuck, whatever. Good thing no one lives here, or else the world might have cared.

So, once the portal opened the government had to get involved because… well, I think they just wanted to chuck rocks down it and upload the video to Youtube. I think that’s pretty much the only way those guys make money nowadays. Well, other than Crackjuice™, but we all know that’s a sinking industry. Not since Heroinedelight™ took the shelves.

Anyway, they sent a crack-team of special operatives down there to check things out. I use the term “crack” because the agents were really spokesmen for Crackjuice™ and were jaded on that shit all the time. Especially Steve.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

Also, I use the term “special” because right now even the mentally handicapped make these guys look like nitwits. No surprise, since half of them were throwing dead emu guts into the portal to see the purdy colors. And then there was Steve… eating the emu guts.

Fucking GOD™-damnit, Steve.

Eventually the others just threw Steve in because, seriously, everyone fucking hated him and he deserved it. Apparently from what the team could see (and tell from spitting down it) the portal was approximately one mile above the Earth (I’m using Imperial units here because the bloody Brits are assholes).

Sadly enough, Steve made it. Bastard was a mutant with kangaroos and just survived the fall using his superior mutant muscle capabilities in his legs. Also, a jetpack, but the point still remains that Steve is just bloody awful.

So, while Steve was down there, we managed to get an actual audio of him interacting with the alien inhabitants. Reports hold true that yes, they’re the midget horses. Points to the Aussies to actually keeping the recording it instead of just reporting it on a file that everyone shall soon forget in bureaucratic backlog. Suck it, rest of the world (that isn’t decimated by horrible nuclear annihilation (which isn’t much of it, apparently))!

---

“OH GOD™ I CAN’T STOP!”

“Twiiiiiiiliiiiiiight, another human is here!”

“Oh dear Celestia, they can fly now! Get down, Pinkie, get down!”

“MY EYEBALLS ARE BLEEDING! AND THEY’RE CYBERNETIC! WHYYYYYYYY!”

“Pinkie, what are you doing?”

“Roasting some marshmallows over the fire the human created.”

“Pinkie, that’s Rarity!”

“MY KANGAROO GENES DIDN’T PREPARE ME FOR SHIT IN THE REGARDS OF EXTREME G-FORCES!”

“Oh man, oh man, oh man, what am I going to do? Princess Celestia is gonna kill me if I let a human destroy the entire town… again.”

“Why Twilight, it’s quite simple.”

“Pinkie, you know I can’t take you seriously while you’re trying to cook Rarity.”

“Can you please tell her to put me down.”

“All you need is a giant butterfly net to catch the human with. Problem solved!”

“Seriously, my butt is starting to burn.”

“Because that ass is hot, baby.”

“Damnit, Pinkie, take things seriously for once!”

“You’re right! I should really be turning Rarity over so that she won’t get burned and cook evenly.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH MY UPPER INTESTINES ARE NOW MY LOWER INTESTINES! MY STOMACH IS MY NEW BLADDER! THANK GOD™ I DIDN’T HAVE A NORMAL FUNCTIONING BRAIN TO BEGIN WITH BEFORE THIS ENDEAVOR!”

“Hey look, Twilight, the human is flying higher and higher into the sky!”

“Why do I smell so appetizing right now...”

“Wait a second… Pinkie, he’s coming back down! And spiraling out of control!”

“Well, create a giant forcefield around the town! Quickly! Before Rarity gets burned!”

“I wonder what pony meat tastes like.”

“Dear Celestia, he broke the forcefield with his head! Brace for impact!”

“Oh hey, that’s where the parachute button is.”

---

What happened to Steve and his parachute is still unknown, since that’s when the audio cut off. I’m just gonna put him down as dead and deceased and now reincarnated as a zombie juuuuuuuuuuuuust to be safe. Plus, I can spend his pension on beer.

In any event, the portal closed soon afterward. I think the rest of the agents were eaten by the dingo mutants. Overall a pretty great day. Mostly because of the beer.

Seriously, fuck Steve but at least he died usefully. Or not. I’dunno. In any event, the only downside is that the government lost one nuclear-charged jetpack, but really, you can buy one for twenty bucks off of eBay. Along with a gorilla heart and several famous celebrities’ souls, but I think I’ll just spend Steve’s pension on beer. Sweet, delicious, slightly radioactive beer.

Comments

[Tatsurou]

That was fun.

Next, let's have a report from Japan!

[Philosophysics]

5505041 WHY YOU STEAL FIRST COMMENT!?

Also nobody cares about Steve...

Unless Rule 63 occurs and then EVERYBODY including females cry when dangerously hotass Babe Steve kicks the bucket due to Murphy's Law when things will go wrong right when you don't want it to go wrong.

[Philosophysics]

5505041 Why you steal first comment?

Also nobody cares about Steve...

Unless he is blasted by a Rule 63 gun and becomes a hot sexy girl who would inexplicably die so that everybody bemoans the fact because she was so undeniably hot.

[TheTownCrier]

5505041
Those giant wasps they have. Yikes!

[Chaotic Neutral]

I STILL don't know what this is but I love it

[NeverKnown]

But really fuck steve.

[Flawless Cowboy]

And there was I thinking that post-apocalyptic Australia would be any different to normal Australia. If anything, it's better off.

[ROBCakeran53]

This reminds me too much of Romantically Apocalyptic, and I LOVE IT.

I also am curious if after a few more zany chapters, Bob's gonna do a 180 on us and have a semi-serious chapter involving the guy who's writing out these reports, and the plot twist is he's actually named Steve but doesn't know/remember it. Could be a lot of fun in it! But as it is, these zany one off chapters are also enjoyable.

[Mysterious Stranger]

Rainbow Bob be like: I wonder how many ™'s I can squeeze into this chapter.

Also, there are google ads appearing at the end of chapters now. Whyyyyyyyyy God™?

[Bazing]

This chapter was fucking hilarious

Also fuck you:

Good thing no one lives here, or else the world might have cared.

[The grey paladin]

Pinkies cooking Rarity? Oh god, it's cupcakes all over again...

[Shadowshame]

LOCATION: AUSTRALIALAND™

why