First attempt at MLP fanfiction. Now cancelled in this rendition.
"My name is Broken Record. I am a unicorn court scribe in Canterlot. Why she chose a scribe to write her biography is beyond me. Why I am still doing it is an even bigger mystery to me. What she did was terrible, but she had her reasons. They all had good reasons... Regardless, I am not one to judge, only record and repeat.
Join me dear reader. See how things came to be as they are. Hear now how the peace of Equestria was lost, how a millennium of prosperity was ruined, how we became Everfree. This is the legacy of the late Terra Firma. This is the story of the night terror who even the princesses fear, she who reminded us of the atrocities a pony is capable of, the arcane horror Twilight Sparkle."
I found this entertaining. Please make more. :P
Nice ending. Though reminded me of harry potter which was a great movie AND book.
Can't wait to see if you make another one just as interesting.
This is well written. I commend you for that
However it would be very hard for me to continue reading. Twilight is very out of character, and there are no confirmed deaths in Equestria.
Keep doing what you are doing, though. This stuff is sure to appeal to somepony.
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Actually, while we have never seen a dead pony itself in the show, pony death can be considered confirmed as canon due to atleast one funeral being held. Taken from the EqD Episode Followup of 'Hearts and Hooves Day':
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Anyway, interesting concept. I'm interested in where you are going to take it from this premise.
Chapter 2 should be going up tomorrow. I currently am unable to write any other time than weekends, so expect a maximum of weekly updates. I've spent the whole week running it over in my head and think I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going. Additionally, I'm rediscovering my weakness at brighter prose. Normal ponies are tough as nails to write!
Well, I still have another 500-1000 words to churn out on this chapter, but this is as good a stopping point as I'll find and I don't want to go 3 weeks with nothing to show for it. It is incredibly hard to find time to write this with a full time job.
Well, you read, mine; it'd be terrible manners for me to not read yours.
This has some good and some bad to it. You write very well and your scenes are well constructed, so as far as production goes, even if it's fairly simple, the story puts me right along side Twilight, and that holds my attention well, which is always something you want in writing. Terra has caught my attention, even if for the moment she feels a bit like an 'insert character here' type deal, and I find myself looking forward to your weaving of her into the pony world, revelation of her backstory and what she has to do with all this. And your characters are in character (especially Pinkie Pie), even when in situations they would never canonically be in; Twilight apparently being afflicted with a curse that makes her need to kill other ponies but she'll only let herself kill those who deserve to die is something could see Twilight doing in that situation, making a very believable aspect to this fiction while at the same time opening the door for the reveal of how she got that way and where this will progress over the future.
However, this is not with it's own issues. Probably my biggest issue is how much of this is based around constant flashbacks and how choppy the story pacing tends to be. Maybe I just have such a problem with flashbacks because I hated how Call of Duty used them, but, still.... My concern is how the story uses Broken Record as the mechanic to tell Twilight's story's. She's not really developed at all, so her attachment and relevance to the story seems to be very little, and the way all of her involvements are told via first-person past-tense distances herself from the characters and the events even further. And while Twilight trying to do the most just possible thing when forced to commit terrible acts is certainly believable, but that there just so happen to be pony serial killers in Equestria isn't as believable.
Pacing could've been made less choppy, too. Broken feels so removed from the story that I mostly just skim over her parts anyway, and having Twilight's tale be told in fragmented pieces in my opinion could be way better. Just my creative input; I think a better overall pacing for the story could've gone like this; present tense build up with Broken to develop her character and touch upon that ponies are afraid of Twilight. Why are ponies afraid of Twilight? Insert several stories of Twilight killing other ponies. Why is Twilight killing other ponies? Insert backstory with Twilight and Terra. That's just my suggestion, but I think the story would have better structure and better dramatic reveals through flashbacks if a system like that was used to more cohesively develop whats going on.
But don't take it the wrong way that I spent more time critiquing than complimenting in this comment; that's usually how I end up leaving comments. This is still overall a good story and deserves more like and more views, and I'll keep an eye out for further installments.
- Christian 'The glass is half empty, evaporating, and filled with germs' Harisay
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Hey thanks for the feedback. It was my original intention to draw the reader in by keeping the why of Twilight's need to kill a mystery. However, I've recently realized just how big the build up is. This makes me wonder if I have enough content to fill the "future" time period as much as the "past." It probably would make more sense to approach it chronologically and split up the story into several (make myself an "Everfree" series/universe). As such, I've been debating exactly what to do with this. It doesn't help that I have been crunched for time (full time engineering student, part time internship, closet brony with 3 roomates) and mucking around with an idea that might or might not be connected with this universe (depends on if I want Terra to exist in that one) as a different story. A rewrite may happen at some point, but real life has its demands.
I'm glad you approve of my characterizations. Capturing a pony in third person feels difficult for me (I constantly read the Dresden Files, a very good series in first person). Glad I'm moving in a somewhat right direction. Yes, Terra is a bit insert from what you have. She only had, what? 10 lines? She will get more screentime. I have a plan. I think. Eventually...
Your concerns with structure and pacing are something I'm trying to fix. The problem I've realized is that I'm actually telling two stories simultaneously, just using the second as the interest hook to the first. I wanted to keep focus on Twilight, so no switches in point of view, but the fact that they are side by side seems jarring, especially with the changes that happened in the time skip between them. Like I said, considering a rewrite.
My main problem with splitting up the two is the exact problem I have now: pacing. The past works with a small blast of cold air before the door is closed again. Then you start to feel the cold leaking through the cracks for a while before it starts going downhill again. Then it doesn't stop going downhill until you hit rock bottom and you wonder if it's really Equestria anymore. That's about where the future picks up and drags you along in the dumps for a much longer time period with less content shared. Only near the end does it start lightening up. The past is less exciting (until the end) but has all the real content. The future is repetative and sparse, but has more action. See where I got the idea to go back and forth?
You don't like Broken Record? Well, I suppose it makes sense. When I started writing this, the ideas were raw, vibrant, powerful (for me), and incredibly difficult to ignore. I think I started writing that pony in to act as a release for my own feelings and hopefully tie the confusing jumping back and forth together. Kinda became my avatar that I was hoping could stay completely in the background because you are "reading" Broken Record's work and commentary, not randomly hovering behind Twilight with a camera. Broken Record was also a way to show that yes, in the future time period there are still morals. Also was my way of showing an outsider's horror at learning the entirety of the backstory at the same rate you do.
Never apologize for good constructive criticism! A month ago I was hoping for someone to tell me exactly what they thought was wrong with it besides the expected, "Why are ponies killing each other?" response. Thank you for taking the time to point out where I need improvement!