Everfree: Innocence Lost

by RampantArcana

A Divine Reunion

Author's Note: For those of you who didn't notice, Chapter 3 is now 1800 words longer as of this update. Not essential, but still, go read it.

Everfree: Innocence Lost

She continued! It took me a moment to realize it but she continued! Oh you have no idea how relieved I am. I was beginning to think that it would just be random stories, tales of woe and murder, but she continued. It means there is a purpose to all of this. All the death, all the suffering, there is a reason for it, and she is going to tell me! The tales will likely come together eventually. She just needs to paint the whole picture. If I simply struggle through maybe -

She -

Twilight Sparkle is going to...

This will not end any time soon, will it?

...

Why? Why me? Do I even want to know?

Chapter 4: A Divine Reunion –1 Year, 8 Months ANM

Motes of golden light dropped off of Princess Celestia's horn. The alicorn was furious if the intensity of the gathered spell was anything to go by. Twilight trembled as the magic washed over her. Celestia's spell wasn't going to be a beam of light designed to subdue. This was the full power of the sun, ready to set Terra and the Everfree Forest behind her ablaze. It sucked the air from Twilight's lungs. It distorted the air around them.

It terrified Twilight.

Celestia was truly this powerful? But where was that power two months ago at her brother's wedding? Celestia's display of power then had been impressive, but nothing like this. How could she command such a spell and still lose so easily to the Changeling queen? It didn't make sense.

For a moment, no pony moved. Terra stared at Celestia through the blinding light of her horn while Princess Luna's eyes shifted back and forth between the two before flicking back towards Twilight. The dark alicorn slowly angled herself so that she stood between the unicorn and Celestia. Luna's ethereal mane floated up to block off Celestia's horn from Twilight's line of sight. Suddenly she felt much better. It felt like walking into a cold room after being out in the sun on a scorching summer day for hours. It was only then that Twilight realized she was gasping, beads of sweat rolling down her forehead past her horn.

Terra raised an eyebrow. "I'm so glad to see you too Princess. Such a wonderful greeting after all this time. It's no wonder we get along so fabulously."

Celestia grit her teeth. "You are trespassing on Equestrian land. Leave or I will make you leave."

"Really now," Terra scoffed. "There's no need for violence."

Celestia growled and stepped forward. The instant her horn cleared Luna's mane, Twilight felt a huge rush of heat hit her. She felt sick. Twilight swayed dangerously before deciding it was a good idea to lie down. She slowly crumpled to the ground, her stomach rumbling uncomfortably and a pounding headache growing around her horn. Luna jumped fully in between Twilight and Celestia this time, calling in a fear laden voice, "Sister!"

The relief wasn't as palpable this time, but it was there. Dazed and weak, Twilight mumbled, "What's happening?"

"Enough, Celestia." For once, Terra's voice dropped to pure scorn, as if she were disgusted by saying the princess's name aloud. Celestia winced when she heard it. "Look what you're doing to the poor filly! We can settle this peacefully." Her eyes narrowed as she lowered her voice. "Remember the last time we met."

Celestia took several deep breaths, still snarling at the emerald alicorn. Then she glanced at Twilight's pitiful form on the ground. Slowly, she released her hold on her spell. As the light on her horn faded, so too did Twilight's headache fade. She still felt queasy though. Luna concernedly knelt over the unicorn and began examining her. Twilight felt too weak to care. She instead devoted all her attention to the white and emerald alicorns. Celestia once again brought her attention to Terra. "What do you want?"

Terra's expression was wiped clean of her serious expression in an instant. "Why, to visit, Princess. It has been so long since I have spoken with you and Luna or even seen Equestria."

"You expect me to believe that is all?" Celestia spat back.

Terra stared, then murmured, "It has been more than a thousand years." Above Twilight, Luna's wings twitched and Celestia's anger turned sour. The white alicorn drooped visibly. "Besides," she continued, "I am not trespassing."

The fire returned to Celestia's eyes. "You dare?" She whispered.

Terra's tinkling laughter seemed out of place. "No, no, Princess. I make no claim on this place. Twilight Sparkle merely invited me to see Ponyville before I go to meet you in Canterlot."

"What?" Celestia asked, alarmed.

She looked over to Twilight whose ears flattened against her head. "I – I was just being friendly!" she stammered. Had she done something wrong?

Quickly, Celestia's gaze returned to Terra. "Twilight does not represent my court in this matter," she said in a rush.

Terra scoffed. "Truly? Your own protégé, the Element of Magic does not hold a high enough position to host a visit from a foreign diplomat?" She chuckled again. "I knew you kept the government on a tight leash but this? Who knew you ruled with such an iron hoof?"

Celestia glared as Luna stopped her ministrations over Twilight. "Terra, stop this," she chided.

The emerald alicorn ignored her. "I can't decide whether the griffins would be impressed or threatened. Oh Zebrica would absolutely love to hear about this."

"That's enough Terra!" called Luna. This time, Terra stopped, but it didn't wipe the triumphant grin off her face. Yet again, Luna nervously moved in front of Twilight, ready to shield her.

Celestia shook with rage now. She took several deep breaths through her nostrils, almost snorting with their intensity, before opening her mouth again. "Very well," she said, turning away from them all. "I expect you and Twilight in Canterlot within the week." With that, she began to walk away.

Fear gripped Twilight's heart. Was the princess angry with her? She struggled to her feet and stumbled after the alicorn. "Princess Celestia! I'm sorry!" she called out.

Celestia stopped and let Twilight catch up to her. The princess's wings were drooping, and her head held low. "No, Twilight, you did nothing wrong. I am sorry that you had to see me this way." She turned her gaze north and whispered, "Terra is a good pony." Celestia spread her wings and took off, leaving Twilight behind. She flew back towards Canterlot much, much slower than her arrival. Twilight stared after her mentor open mouthed. The princess had apologized to her.

But she still didn't look at her.

Dejectedly, Twilight sat in the grass and glanced back at Luna and Terra. The two seemed to be discussing something in a much more cordial manner now that Celestia was gone. The unicorn returned her gaze forward and stared blankly at the ground, sadly wondering about the whole encounter. The sound of hoofsteps startled her out of her reverie. She looked up to find Luna approaching.

"Twilight, try not to be upset about this." The alicorn sat beside her. "Celestia and Terra have always had a strained relationship. Celestia's mood has nothing to do with you."

Twilight looked up at Luna pleadingly. "Really?"

The princess nodded sincerely. "Yes, Twilight Sparkle." Twilight sighed in relief. Hearing that certainly made her feel better. Luna smiled in return, but then looked up towards Canterlot. "But now I must go. You must believe me when I say my sister needs me more than I am needed here."

"But –" Twilight began to protest, but she was cut off.

"No, Twilight Sparkle. I will return later, but for now, stay with Terra. She is your guest now."

Twilight turned a glare of her own back towards the emerald alicorn who hadn't moved from her spot. She had been used. Tricked. And now she had to show this pony around?

Luna rose. "And one final thing." Twilight dropped her glare as she too got to her hooves. She almost sat down in shock at the sight of how much of a pleading expression had come over Luna. "Please don't blame her. She truly had no choice."

Numbly, Twilight nodded. Luna gave a nod of her own before straightening her posture. Once again, she assumed the regal persona of the Princess of the Night. With powerful flaps of her wings, she took off, following the path of her sister and leaving Twilight behind.

Again Twilight stared after the departure as the last alicorn approached her. Snorting, she turned a glare back at the emerald pony. Terra looked sheepish as she spoke. "I know you are angry, but I believe we can both agree that this can wait until you have eaten and cleaned up a bit."

Twilight tried to continue glaring, but her stomach gave a growl at the mention of food.

Terra continued hopefully, "There's no better cure for exposure to the solar wind than food and drink. My treat."

The purple unicorn sighed and resigned herself to her fate. "Alright, but don't think this makes up for using me like that."

Terra chuckled. "I would never dream of buying your friendship. Consider this the start of an apology."

"Fine," Twilight replied. "We'll go to Sugarcube Corner." She began to lead the way, hiding a smirk. After all that there was no way she was going to warn the alicorn about Pinkie Pie.

Comments

[Christian Harisay]

Well, you read, mine; it'd be terrible manners for me to not read yours.

This has some good and some bad to it. You write very well and your scenes are well constructed, so as far as production goes, even if it's fairly simple, the story puts me right along side Twilight, and that holds my attention well, which is always something you want in writing. Terra has caught my attention, even if for the moment she feels a bit like an 'insert character here' type deal, and I find myself looking forward to your weaving of her into the pony world, revelation of her backstory and what she has to do with all this. And your characters are in character (especially Pinkie Pie), even when in situations they would never canonically be in; Twilight apparently being afflicted with a curse that makes her need to kill other ponies but she'll only let herself kill those who deserve to die is something could see Twilight doing in that situation, making a very believable aspect to this fiction while at the same time opening the door for the reveal of how she got that way and where this will progress over the future.

However, this is not with it's own issues. Probably my biggest issue is how much of this is based around constant flashbacks and how choppy the story pacing tends to be. Maybe I just have such a problem with flashbacks because I hated how Call of Duty used them, but, still.... My concern is how the story uses Broken Record as the mechanic to tell Twilight's story's. She's not really developed at all, so her attachment and relevance to the story seems to be very little, and the way all of her involvements are told via first-person past-tense distances herself from the characters and the events even further. And while Twilight trying to do the most just possible thing when forced to commit terrible acts is certainly believable, but that there just so happen to be pony serial killers in Equestria isn't as believable.

Pacing could've been made less choppy, too. Broken feels so removed from the story that I mostly just skim over her parts anyway, and having Twilight's tale be told in fragmented pieces in my opinion could be way better. Just my creative input; I think a better overall pacing for the story could've gone like this; present tense build up with Broken to develop her character and touch upon that ponies are afraid of Twilight. Why are ponies afraid of Twilight? Insert several stories of Twilight killing other ponies. Why is Twilight killing other ponies? Insert backstory with Twilight and Terra. That's just my suggestion, but I think the story would have better structure and better dramatic reveals through flashbacks if a system like that was used to more cohesively develop whats going on.

But don't take it the wrong way that I spent more time critiquing than complimenting in this comment; that's usually how I end up leaving comments. This is still overall a good story and deserves more like and more views, and I'll keep an eye out for further installments.

- Christian 'The glass is half empty, evaporating, and filled with germs' Harisay

[RampantArcana]

1021111

Hey thanks for the feedback. It was my original intention to draw the reader in by keeping the why of Twilight's need to kill a mystery. However, I've recently realized just how big the build up is. This makes me wonder if I have enough content to fill the "future" time period as much as the "past." It probably would make more sense to approach it chronologically and split up the story into several (make myself an "Everfree" series/universe). As such, I've been debating exactly what to do with this. It doesn't help that I have been crunched for time (full time engineering student, part time internship, closet brony with 3 roomates) and mucking around with an idea that might or might not be connected with this universe (depends on if I want Terra to exist in that one) as a different story. A rewrite may happen at some point, but real life has its demands.

I'm glad you approve of my characterizations. Capturing a pony in third person feels difficult for me (I constantly read the Dresden Files, a very good series in first person). Glad I'm moving in a somewhat right direction. Yes, Terra is a bit insert from what you have. She only had, what? 10 lines? She will get more screentime. I have a plan. I think. Eventually...

Your concerns with structure and pacing are something I'm trying to fix. The problem I've realized is that I'm actually telling two stories simultaneously, just using the second as the interest hook to the first. I wanted to keep focus on Twilight, so no switches in point of view, but the fact that they are side by side seems jarring, especially with the changes that happened in the time skip between them. Like I said, considering a rewrite.

My main problem with splitting up the two is the exact problem I have now: pacing. The past works with a small blast of cold air before the door is closed again. Then you start to feel the cold leaking through the cracks for a while before it starts going downhill again. Then it doesn't stop going downhill until you hit rock bottom and you wonder if it's really Equestria anymore. That's about where the future picks up and drags you along in the dumps for a much longer time period with less content shared. Only near the end does it start lightening up. The past is less exciting (until the end) but has all the real content. The future is repetative and sparse, but has more action. See where I got the idea to go back and forth?

You don't like Broken Record? Well, I suppose it makes sense. When I started writing this, the ideas were raw, vibrant, powerful (for me), and incredibly difficult to ignore. I think I started writing that pony in to act as a release for my own feelings and hopefully tie the confusing jumping back and forth together. Kinda became my avatar that I was hoping could stay completely in the background because you are "reading" Broken Record's work and commentary, not randomly hovering behind Twilight with a camera. Broken Record was also a way to show that yes, in the future time period there are still morals. Also was my way of showing an outsider's horror at learning the entirety of the backstory at the same rate you do.

Never apologize for good constructive criticism! A month ago I was hoping for someone to tell me exactly what they thought was wrong with it besides the expected, "Why are ponies killing each other?" response. Thank you for taking the time to point out where I need improvement!