Join the story of our 5 stallions as they try to make their ways through life alive. Torque is a DJ without employment, Satin is a Unicorn with issues, Ryku has serious social problems, Dex is a singer without a home, and Kairo is a down on himself Engineer; how will they cope with life’s problems and hardships. (The answer, for at least one, is booze… ahh damn spoilers)
Page generated in 0.102 seconds
Total duration
1,069 users online
2,096,686 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This Satin pony sounds like a complete dick...
507989 Agreed, absolute douche.
How can he grab 5 bottles at once?
Well damn. I clicked on this because I was going through clicking on interesting titles. I then realize its about you guys. Mind blown.
Satin here
509014
one foreleg holding 4 bottles against the chest, as one hoof throws. At least that's how I envisioned it.
509188
Sorry we didn't pique your interest.
509325 Oh ya'll peaked my interest. I just didn't realize it was my friends until after I clicked.
Night Train - Guns N' Roses
Still Satin here
509369
I was confused about your post, until I saw your name.
and then I was even more confused
509391
The song is about getting wasted on really cheap booze, and its metal, and I posted it.
Any questions?
~Satin~
509396
none, I read night train and for some reason Bob Seger - Night moves is what popped to mind.
I'll be keeping track of this, but your dialogue feels a bit rushed. It's nothing major and it doesn't really hurt the story, but if you slowed down and took more time to show characters emotions it would dramatically improve it. Like this excerpt...
“Ah don’t much care what ya want! Ya delayed mah important meetin’ in Appleloosa! What do ya got to say fer yerself?” The persistent pony said.
I held myself back as best I could. “Look, sir, I didn’t ask for the train to stop for me. It just did. You got a problem with the drivers stoppin’ for me? Take it up with them.”
My suggestion would be to try something like "I held myself back as best as I could, but boy did I want to throttle his pompous ass. After taking a moment to collect myself, I responded."
I know it's not much, but it's the little things like that which really help a reader visualize a scene and feel a character's emotions. And don't get me wrong, when you guys do the monologues, I feel emotions just as well as the character does. You guys write the internal monologues beautifully. And yes, the italicized lettering was necessary because I can't stress how hard that is to do. The only thing harder to do is write good, smooth dialogue. Expressing emotion and creating a visual through dialogue is incredibly difficult, and I know as a writer I still have a lot of trouble with that. I hope this was helpful, sorry about how long it is
~Satin~
510328
Thank you for your criticism and pointers man, I appreciate it (no sarcasm there I promise)
and i'm glad you like the story so far.
This is looking really good guys. Lk told me a little about this a while ago, but I didn't know you guys would publish it. I'm rather impressed
510422 Really, you didn't think we would publish it Prince?
Do you not know us, or are you just being thick? 
Of course we would publish it. 
And from only reading my own part, I'm commenting on the other parts. They are all really well written, very entertaining. We should toats keep up the good work.
Good job guys
510842
You said toats.....
507989 I like him!
520327
We held a vote, it was unanimous. I'm a dick...
510842 Technically I only know two of you, haven't had the pleasure to meet the others yet. So I couldn't say if it would be published or not.
515765 YES, YES I DID
520442 Toats agree with this
539491 you would enjoy them
Awesome job, guys! This isn't a genre I usually get into, but that was actually quite an interesting read. My only qualms are with small details, like Kairo building an entire plow in ten minutes, and Dex's band having human names. And there is the small detail about Dex mirroring many of the shameless self-insert Mary Sue characters from poor quality HiE fics, but its early days yet.
And in response to Satin's thought: Being good at anything makes most things fairly boring, though.
Jack of all trades, master of none. Is his talent everything, or is it his ability to pick up new things easily, yet struggle to fully master them?
Out of curiosity, how are you guys writing this as a group? Do you each write your own parts then have someone edit them together, or do you use a different method?
You've piqued my interest. I will be watching.
551493
~Satin~
Well thank you sir!
I'll try to answer your questions as best I can. Not all the guys are online currently, just me and Kairo currently. Kairo's response was "It's to represent how robotic my OC is." Yeah, Kairo is a bucking robot until some bad influence (read Satin) brings him out of his shell.
Satin can pick things up really easily, he just won't be nearly as good as somepony whose special talent it is. If you want an example, send a message to me and I'll expound on it.
The way we're writing this is, usually if it's from their perspective that person wrote it. Ryku's and my parts are pretty much exempt from this though, we take turns writing on scenes. We actually use google docs and one person will write as the others read it and make sure it fits as well as edits as we go along (I know I have done a tense right, like the whole time [screw past tense!]).
And I'll give you a hint to know if it's me writing, always two spaces after a period. I'm the only one that does that.
551493 Okay. Dex right now just hasn't hit his down-points, because the oportunity for said points to arise has not been reached yet. I was thinking (and still need to talk to Dex about this) that Dex's down point is that he would have either a social problem (Kinda like pinkie with her friends) or has something going on when others aren't around, which may be a leading role in an arc further on. Now about the names. According to xXNickthenameXx (Dex), the names are supposedly stage names. I said the same thing about them, but what are you going to do I guess, right? It shouldn't detract from the story though, so we let it slide. Thanks for the review so far. We really appreciate it!
552914
). A poorly done main character can make or break a story.
553316
Thanks for clearing that up guys, but I'm still very skeptical about Dex. Characters are my single greatest foe when reading or writing, and thus I often rant about them. A lot (You of all people should know about that, Ryku
553495
~Satin~
psssssh, assuming Dex is a main character...
now lets wait for Dex to come and complain about my jokes...
*looks around and checks watch*
553519 Satin, no need to be a jerk. We all know Dex has just a big a part as all 5 of us do, he just hasn't had a point where he needs to be centralized as a main character yet.
553495 And thanks for not ripping on my character, I really did try to develop it in as realistic a way as possible. And yeah, we aren't often all online together, so we do a google docs thing sO we can edit and read along. And even though some characters have some Sue-ish traits, none so far are toats Mary Sue.
Ain't no rest for the wicked money don't grow on trees I got bills to pay I got mouths to feed there ain't nothin in this world for free
624198
apparently
624198 That's exactly the song that went through my head when I first laid eyes on the title of the story.
I really, really like where this is going. Keep up the awesome work.
Hey, is it me, or does this story seem to have OC's in it?
Just wondering, cause it toats seems like it does, cause I don't recall anypony named DJ Freq Torque, or for that matter Treble, in the actual show, both seasons included.
But again, that may just be me.
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/088/trollestia.png
But otherwise, this is coming along great.
Avengers...hmmm...IDEA.
chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/funny-gifs-hulk-vs-loki.gif
633017
When it comes down to me making up titles... well... sh*t gets fun.
Not sure who writes Dex, but he needs to work on smoothing out his writing. For example:
“Shut it, Tim. you need to remember I saved your flank back there with Torque” Tim rolled his eyes and chuckled, we walked for a while looking around at all the stores and houses drawing up a small map in our heads until Nick, who had began to lead us around, turned and stared me directly in the eyes.
Alright, you do a few things really well here. You establish the scene, show us what's going on, and you have a good transition into the next paragraph. Now all you need to do is pretty it up a bit! For starters, and I made this mistake quite consistently before it was pointed out, you never want to have a character's action line immediately following a different character's speaking line. So let's fix those first sentences. How about:
"Shut it, Tim. You need to be reminded of how I saved your flank back there with Torque?" Dex stated more than asked. Tim rolled his eyes and chuckled.
See how much easier that is to read? It flows nicer, and eliminates confusion as to who is talking when. Now for your punctuation. You use too many commas and not enough periods. For example:
Tim rolled his eyes and chuckled, we walked for a while looking around at all the stores and houses drawing up a small map in our heads until Nick, who had began to lead us around, turned and stared me directly in the eyes.
That is a very long run-on sentence. Run on sentences are very hard to read. Honestly, it's easier to read short, choppy sentences, and that's a good goal to shoot for if you're just starting as a writer. Longer sentences will come with practice, but for now try to keep them short and sweet. Like this:
Tim rolled his eyes and chuckled. We walked for a while, looking around at all the stores and houses. We drew up a small map in our heads. After a while, Nick began to lead us around. It wasn't long until he turned and stared me directly in the eyes.
Choppy? Yes. Perfect? No. But it's easier to read than just one long sentence.
Now, don't let my criticism concern you. If I didn't like the story, I wouldn't have offered any criticism at all. I just want to see you guys become the best writers you can. If you feel you need more help writing, I urge you to check out the Writer's Assistance Group. We will help you in any way we can.
Long story short? Keep up the awesome work guys. I love the premise of the story, and I'm excited to see how it plays out. Just a little work on grammar and sentence structure and you'll be golden
I regret a lot of things, this chapter wasn't one of them
Ahh, another story i made art for has made it into featured. Good job!
624198
I know I can't slow down,
I can't hold back,
Though you know I wish I could,
Oh no, there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Till we close our eyes for good.
I see you had to reformat it a little. The SATININ/SATINOUT thing giving you trouble, eh?
Anyway, yeah, I did enjoy this chapter, I read it twice!
639790
formatting can be the devil!
638872 The writer for Dex is xXNickTheNameXx on this site. Thanks for the tips, Primal! We'll keep working on it!
Torque is meeee!
642212 Lies! I am everypony! I am legion!
[12:11:29 AM] DemonRykuKyuubi: Whatcha think?
[12:11:37 AM] Satin: oh it's fantastic
[12:11:43 AM] DemonRykuKyuubi: interesting bit of Ryku's past?
[12:12:08 AM] Satin: oh def
[12:12:15 AM] Satin: very opposite end of Satin too
[12:12:25 AM] Satin: we're very night and day ponies
[12:12:35 AM] Satin: just opposite end of the spectrum, and I like it
[12:13:00 AM] DemonRykuKyuubi: I think it gives a chance of both an antagonist and a visit from the adoptive parents.
[12:13:08 AM] DemonRykuKyuubi: and yeah, exact opposites
[12:13:22 AM] Satin: it's like we planned it
[12:13:55 AM] DemonRykuKyuubi: Heh, and yet Satin is Ryku's only friend right now....HOW?
[12:14:51 AM] Satin: because, and I quote, "I like you"
[12:15:07 AM] DemonRykuKyuubi: Oh, right. That woiuld do it.
That was interesting.
I like your parents. They're cool by my watch!
“Come on! Just for a minute, I just wanna break stuff!”
Drinking contest and a shouting match, I really enjoyed this chapter.
"I should do something nice for him. Maybe a drink, maybe a shrubbery, if I’m feeling really charitable I might even give him a drink AND a shrubbery."
I couldn't help but wonder which form of shrubbery Satin was referring to.
I had to stop reading for like five minutes because I was just so amused with this line and couldn't stop laughing. It only got worse when Ryku and AJ started going at it. The humor in this story is always great
That aside, it was a strong chapter and I'm glad to see you were still able to work around Lk's very limited schedule.
828508
~Satin~
I dunno if you were being facetious or not... so there you go
and I'm hoping LK get's access to internet pretty soon... One can hope...
Finally got around to reading it... Satin... Drinking contest... Pissed myself with laughter.
Couldn't you have warned me before hand! ... Then I could have gotten drunk and read it, and laughed even more!
"Maybe a shrubbery" - The randomness of this statement... Wow.
And what I can see as a deleted scene:
Pony #1: Are those dragon wings?
Dex: No, they're... blah, blah, blah.
Pony #2: Are those dragon wings?
Dex: No, I've had these since...
Pony #3: Are those dragon wings?
Dex: *sigh* No, I was born with them...
Pony #10: Are those dragon wings?
Dex: NO! Not dragon wings!
Pony #35: Are those dragon wings?
Dex: Ask me one more time, and I'll...
Pony #126: Are those dragon wings?
Dex: I. Will. Fucking. Kill. You.
Pony #10,783: Are those dragon wings?
Dex: *goes super saiyan* OH! IT'S ON NOW MOTHERBUCKERS!
Pony #409,648,274: Are those dragon wings?
Dex: .....................................................................
*satin offers a shrubbery*
All is well again in Ponyville.
Dude i like that chapter. But i like your new avatar more :D
840664
~Satin!~
Me too... but I gotta ask dog. We've had the sinking ship as an avatar the entire time, whatcha mean?