Disharmony

by Arreis Of Avalon

Of Friendship

My Faithful Student, Twilight

I am glad you have written to me. I am only regretful that it has taken so long to respond to you. I had to find my parchment, and heavens know my guards were startled to hear me awake so late. I’m usually asleep by now; not that I am critiquing you, Twilight. As you said, it is very late, and I will be making my fair share of errors.

I understand exactly what you’re going through.

I understand what you’re going though.

I have seen your troubles before. Luna, be - I saw it in myself.

I didn’t realize how hard this is to write. I commend you for your bravery. You see, everyone on this planet is liable to have these feelings. It is far more common than you would ever believe. I felt something akin to what you have. I cannot say I felt your same feelings, for everyone has different sufferings; but I can tell you my personal struggle and how I overcome it.

It began after Luna left. I banished Luna. I was distraught. I couldn’t handle having left her alone for so long that she… became what she was. I struggled, day by day, to do things I had once thought simple. A mere trifle of my magic. Now, it had become moving a mountain - ten times that. It was becoming a god, each day, just to awaken to set the moon which now contained the only pony I could ever truly love.

He snuck up on me. I call it a he, for it is easier to personify it. However, I will admit it is simply an emotion. A horrid, sick emotion, but an emotion nonetheless. It’s important to remember that; without that simple ideal, it is impossible to overcome.

It, then, snuck up on me. It came silently, at first. Random aches, tired, sleepless nights; it became so hard to sleep. I imagine that same curse holds you now. But, just as he came silently, he still whispered and wormed his way into my mind. He convinced me of horrible things. Dreadful things that I wished weren’t true.

He told me I didn’t love my sister enough.

He told me my sister was dead.

He told me I had killed her.

For awhile, I believed him.

For awhile, I believed everything he said.

I still know what he said was true.

I still understand what he was trying to do. He was trying to scare me. It worked. I’ll admit that; you know I would be lying to you if I tried not to deny it. It shook me to the core, the things he whispered. The startling thing was, after he was done whispering, those thoughts still affected me.

The emotion, I have deemed, is depression. It is a terribly good word for it, a sickeningly fitting word. A depression is a hole. It is a dent in the very essence of a being. That is exactly how I felt. I can only wonder if you feel the same - somehow, I am almost certain that you do.

That… dent left a horrible emptiness. At first, I blamed Luna. It is… worrying painful to admit, but it is true. I blamed her for my depression. She had changed; she had caused this. But depression feeds on those types of thoughts. Anger and rage and sadness and pain all turn, in one way or another, into guilt. It all just… floods its way back onto you.

I hated myself. I hated myself ever so much. I had been so blind, and I was painfully aware of it. As I grew more self-loathing, my rule fell apart. Around me, new disasters sprung up that I was unable to face. Famines, disease, and things I simply could not solve. Each disaster brought back painful memories. I began to seclude myself. I just… I wanted to live alone. I wanted to be alone. If I was alone, then maybe, just maybe, the depression couldn’t find me.

It was then that I learned the true magic of friendship, I think.

Depression is a hard thing to overcome. In fact, it may very well be impossible to. I say this truthfully, as that is what you deserve, my faithful student. It is an emotion, caused by chemical charges in the brain. You must remember this, however - no matter what the cause, be it magical or chemical, your emotions are real. Please, my faithful student Twilight, do not forget that. Your emotions matter greatly, and the proof is your friendships.

The disharmonies you mention. Why, I must ask, would your friends stay together if they are so obviously unfit to be friends?

It is you, Twilight. You are the connector of them all. It is a hard task, but I know you can do this, Twilight. So do they. That is why they are still your friends, despite all of their, and your, flaws. That is true friendship - being able to admit when your closest friend is a bit of an idiot, or a bit hyperactive, or prideful, or has a temper, or any of the above. That is true friendship.

I cannot stress this point enough: anytime you feel this emotion, talk. Send me a letter, wake Spike and talk to him, visit a friend. If any of them, at any point fails you - which I find very unlikely - go to another source. Go to a stranger if needs be - sometimes, an unfamiliar face makes it that much easier.

I still struggle, to this day. I talk to my sister, now. Hugs are just as magical as friendship, and I suggest you share them with others. They help. I know it sounds corny, but they do.

Please, Twilight, do this one thing for me. Go to a mirror. Smile, as best you can, and make sure it isn’t fake. Smile as though you are happy, and say, “I am a beautiful mare, and I matter.” It will help you. I know it.

If you need to see me, you know where to find me. My doors are open always.

- Princess Celestia

Author's Note:

Finally... That's all, folks. I hope you all liked it.

Comments

[Stormcloud1120]

I think I have a song to go along with this. Giving Up by imagine dragons.

[Arreis Of Avalon]

6573788 Yeah, I was going through a bad time when I wrote this. I think I ended this story on a semi-hopeful note, though. :) I'm past this now, but keep the fiction up to help others recognize the problems they might face and to help me remember how resilient I am for getting past it all.

[Lauralite]

....good show.

[Arreis Of Avalon]

7141237 Thanks? Or was that a compliment to the show itself?

[Lauralite]

7141393 definitely a compliment to the story my friend.

[Arreis Of Avalon]

7142116 Then thank you dearly!