Arreis Of Avalon
Joined 17th Jun, 2013 ·
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Rreminds me a bit of:
5926447 xD Oh wow I remember that game! It was tough. The story with that is a nice one. :)
Official Review: "I See"
Link: I See
Description: " The sea talks about the things it has learned."
The sea tells story's about things it has learned, from pony's it has seen.
8.5/10 Official Contest Score/ For Writing Quality And Originality: So... There are two parts to this story, and I would like to address each individually.
The first part is the written narrative; the written narrative is powerful, deep, and at times a little clunky. The whole thing is written in the Sea's perspective and voice, which provides it a sense of 'other' and alien-ness to normal human thought. This is in part what gives the story its potency and impact, as the sea is both extremely wise, at times with the feeling of an ancient sage, and has a childishly naive perspective at others. This creates sometimes clunky or awkward transitions. However, that is one way the author shows how alien and different the Sea's thoughts are to ours, how it has almost no perception of time, other then as a series of chronological events.
However, clunky and hard to follow are still clunky and hard to follow. This is definitely NOT meant to be a quick or easy read, its meant to be read when you have a little bit of time to sit down, and give it your full attention. If you don't you might misunderstand something, or miss the implications of what the Sea is saying.
The story's that the Sea tells are extremely powerful and when told through its naive prospective allows the author to explore some very dark themes without being over bearing. Doing so is extremely difficult and takes a cretin level of skill and dedication to achieve. Over all I believe that the author, with a little bit more time, can smooth some of those clunky transitions out, while still maintaining the naive perspective of the Sea. You can have your cake and eat it too, I promise!
The second is the poem at the end; The poem is well written and very powerful. I felt like Luna had a very profound experience speaking to the Sea. Its not a scene or part of the story we as the reader get to explore except in snippets here and there in the narrative, but it is clear that this poem was the result of that fateful encounter between these two forces of nature. The poem adds a sense of fulfillment to the rest of the story that really must be admired.
3/5 For Family Friendliness: While the story has nothing in it that is blatantly inappropriate such as violence or sexual innuendos, the story does deal with some very serious topics such as bullying and attempted suicide. I hate to give such an amazing and mature piece a poor rating here, but if I gave it anything more then a 3, meaning mainly appropriate for adult fans of the show, I would be neglecting the very system I set up. While I believe anyone and everyone should read this story, I also believe that they should be of appropriate age so they can fully understand its implications and the positive message that it sends.
Comment: I really loved this story, and I must say that it is refreshing to me that a story that explores such dark themes as suicide and extreme bullying have at the end, a message of Hope. I thank the writer for participating in this contest.
Could use some work, but I'll give it my upvote.
5926531 Eeee, thank you! I'm really happy with that rating. Given more time, I could smooth out some of that clunkiness, but as of the moment, everything you said is perfectly true! Thank you for inviting me to the contest!
5927684 Thanks for the upvote! I might be editing this eventually, so it might get better or worse depending.
GREAT WORK!
the poem at the end
I
5929959 Thank you! I put a bit of thought into that poem. ^^
Beautifully written story, the next time I see the sea, I'll talk to it. Observe it. Wave to it. You've inspired me. Good job. Wait, no. Great job!
6117496 Why thank you! I was planning on editing this one day, based on other comments, but I'm not so sure anymore. The more I read it, the more I like how confusing it can be.
6117728
Honestly, I think it is as perfect as perfect can be.
5926453 I wish I had seen this earlier. This would have been amazing for a project I had to do in school.
You made me feel different feels today. Beautifully done my friend!
6573987 Why thank you! I love giving people feels! It really attests to my prowess as a writer. :)
I see you went with the unreliable narrator technique.
7826710 When I wrote this, I wasn't trying for any techniques. I just thought it would be nifty to write a story from the perspective of the sea. :)
7826841 That's actually a good idea. Can't wait to read more of your content.