What’s that? You don’t recognize me? Think harder. Think to those times when you’ve simply wished you could cry. Think to those fitful times of silent anguish as all those around you suspected, but never let on, that I was with you. Think and remember me as you looked in all those mirrors and saw my hideous smile lurking beneath that fake one you put on for others; now do you remember me?
I’m your Sadness and Anger and Depression and Anxiety. I’m everything no one likes - well. Except myself, of course. I’m rather in love with myself - hence why I’m always right about you.
But ‘you’ aren’t the concern today. Today, the concern is a little town called Ponyville. Today, the concern is a happy little place called Equestria. Equestria is full of happy little ponies living happy little lives; they go day by day, doing all their happy little deeds, while happy little princesses fight off hideous, grotesque,monstrous foes practically daily to keep them all with a happy little smile on their faces.
It’s almost laughable, how they live in such deep denial.
Take, for example, one of many foes: the all dreaded Nightmare Moon. Now there was a pony I could get along with. She was full of despair, just before she changed. She knew what her fate was going to be before it even happened. She knew her sister would betray her, knew her sister would hurt her in the worst way possible. Her sister would abandon her. Her sister would leave her for dust and eternal damnation in the sick and endless void of space.
Her agony was delicious.
Do you know why tears are salty? I like to think it’s because they’re just there for an added kick. Your tears are there, no matter the emotion - have you ever cried when you laughed too hard? It’s just like what foods you put salt on - you would put salt on soup just as soon as you would stew. Your emotions are the same for me. All those delicious things like Anger, Distrust, Hatred and Sadness - they all taste so much better with that lovely little addition of salty tears.
Dear, sweet, precious Luna cried ever so much. But too much salt ruins the dish entirely. She stopped as her heart grew colder and colder; after all, revenge tastes best when served cold. Her heart also grew bitter, but it was seasoned with only the sweetest of hatreds. The kind of one whose heart was shattered to the core. The core is always the tastiest.
And then those sickening little twits went and ruined my entree! Those fillies, those Elements of Harmony! Bah! Like little rats in your food, like spoiled cheese on bits of moldy bread! They’re hideously bright and cheery. I disliked them the instant I saw them.
But I am not defeated by them; I am invincible, no matter how much they throw at me. Nightmare Moon’s… departing from this world certainly weakened me, but I surely did not starve. I simply moved to the next thing I could. I preyed on weak uprisings and riots of hatred and anger. Those insufferable little ponies fought me tooth and nail, trying to take away every little food source of mine, but they weren’t successful. Gilda was a particular favorite of mine. She was never resolved. She was simply shunned - brushed under the mat, ignored. Being ignored is such a particular flavor. It tastes like strawberries that have the touch of frost on them, with a side of fresh and acidic pineapple to burn away the vile tastes of what one had thought of as loyalty and trust. Simply lovely.
And speaking of lovely, when the big villains come out to play, the world becomes my buffett. I remember the sheer scent of the chaos caused by my old friend. Discord knew how to make a shaken fear martini better than any Bond Bartender. I’ve never been so full as the times he ran free. I remember the greed that filtered through my scents, and the fear of his victims lacing the air; the sheer amount of food as ponies ran for their very lives sent my head into a spin. Even Discord himself gave off plenty, in the end - shock is a wonderful surprise with its spicy flair.
Yet those ponies cut off my supply once again. Poor Discord was sealed in stone, and, going far too far, they even reformed him to make good decisions. I can taste the vile in my mouth even as I speak of it. Yuck.
I kept harvesting what I could, though it was becoming harder. People were starting to catch hold of the poison - Faith. They had hope, faith, trust, and no limit to their harmonious outlook as that pesky purple pony stumbled through my traps and managed to disarm them. I grew the most tired of it all after my most skilled chef, Tirek, fell to her.
He was an amazing cook - he kept all that pesky magic out of my dish. In return, I got pure fear. Pure sorrow. Pure agony. Pure emotions are the most flavorful of them all. And she ruined that with friendship of all things. She even used Discord against me. How cruel can she be?
And that’s when it finally hit me.
Never scavenge when you can be the top predator.
I’ve devised my plans lately, and I won’t be faltering from them. Already, I’ve begun to get to her - she’s having so many doubts, being a pesky little pony princess. Can she step up to this task? What about her friends? Can she protect them? Her little ears are open to all my little whisperings. In her sleep, she can hear me so clearly, yet suspects nothing. In her wakeful hours of insomnia, I stay by her side and comfort her idle depression - don’t worry, I whisper to it. You’ll still be there in the morning. As she cries, I lap the salty things away like a dog, cleaning up for her as much as she allows. She suspects so little.
I will break her. I will break her to her core.
And no one will ever suspect me. No one will ever know. For I am invincible, as well as invisible. I cannot be harmed. I cannot be thwarted by a jewel or by friendship of by light. No amounts of chocolates or good feelings or well-wishing can keep me away from my prize. I might be stifled a while. I might hide and lick away the acid they pour on me. But I shall always find my way back to my little feasts. They cannot hide from me.
Now do you remember me? Now can you look in the mirror and see me in those bags under your eyes? See me in your very soul? No amount of pleading will tear me away from you. You see, I am inherent in every person and creature and living, breathing sack of flesh in this universe and the next.
I am Depression. I am Sadness. I am Anxiety and Pain and all Suffering. I am the insults and the sticks and the stones. I am the words that managed to hurt. I am the blood. I am the knife. I am the note and the gun, the bullet and the tears that are shed. I am there in every beginning, with the distraught mother, and there in the end of every tired child. I am there, always.
I’m sorry this isn’t one of my usual friendship letters. I’m not writing to you because of something that happened in Ponyville. I’m writing to you about something that happened in me. Something… not right. I apologize for any errors or scratched out parts. It’s late, and I didn’t want to wake Spike for something as frivolous as this.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
I suppose it started with Nightmare Moon. I don't mean to insult Princess Luna in any way, but she seemed so frail after the elements changed her. I have now seen her in all her fury and power, and she was a force to be reckoned with - don't get me wrong, she still is! But... seeing her as I did, after the battle with her most powerful form, broken and sobbing? I didn't want to believe that we had caused that, me and my friends. My first act of harmony was to make an Alicorn cry. How is that… well, how is that considered good? How could you have banished her in the first place?
But, at the time, I passed it off. After all, we had just saved Equestria. And, from that all, I began to learn about the wonders of friendship. Friendship, that amazing thing that can help you through any situation. Friendship, that magical solution to any problem. It seemed like there was nothing that could ever split us apart.
But there was, of course. I didn’t realize it, but there were so many things, so very many things, that set us apart from each other. From who got a ticket to even who was more cultured than somepony else. Rainbow is far too brash for Rarity; Fluttershy so calm compared to Pinkie Pie. It seems like all of us are so… different. And then, Discord came and pushed all those strange disharmonies together. He pitted us against each other as easily as I teleport.
It shouldn’t have been that easy. But it was. He managed to get under all of our skins and reveal our secrets the opposite of our true selves. After we went back to normal, we turned him into stone. We were praised as saviors once more, and I beamed outwardly. Yet, inwardly, I had my fair share of doubts. How were we so easily vanquished? How did it come to be that I, one of the highest ranking students of your teachings, failed to recognize the answer to his riddle sooner? Was friendship making me soft? Was my friendship hurting others?
I threw myself into my studies to forget my questions. I couldn’t help anypony, being so worried. But, somehow, my worry made everything a bit better. In cases like my want it - need it spell, obviously, this wasn’t the case. But, even after I had just told myself not to worry over the small stuff like Spike eating too much ice cream (he learned his mistake well), the wedding rolled around. After just going through a harrowing experience, what with all that time travel nonsense, I managed to fret over Cadance’s… peculiar attitude. Had I not been so worried, I might’ve missed that she was a changeling. I might’ve doomed us all without my anxiety.
And somehow… that knowledge doesn’t make me any happier.
I enjoyed humiliating her. I enjoyed pushing her against that wall and screaming of her evil nature. I needed to scream at someone other than myself. I needed someone to cry other than me. That was... wrong of me.
Life spun us up again. The Crystal Empire returned and… and I failed… I had to make Spike do something for me, everything relied on him. I know you told me it was a good thing to delegate responsibility, but I had been a foal for charging in as I did! Had I analyzed the situation as I should’ve, it would’ve been obvious that the heart would be a trap. Yet I ran in anyways when… when hope filled my heart.
I became an alicorn. That… well, that happened, at least. I became an alicorn, and somehow… nothing changed. I just had wings. I was just… I was just able to fly. That was it. At first, I was afraid; I was petrified I was just… I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my duties. What if I failed you all? And then you and Luna disappeared, and the world seemed so… so…
So lonely…
We solved everything. Just like always. Somehow, I couldn’t help but wish that we hadn’t. I know that’s wrong, but I just… I wanted something to go really wrong for once. I wanted… I wanted a real test. Not… not just a temporary solution, not just… not just another happy day between the attacks. Between the war against disharmony. Between my sobbing.
Time and time again, we fought villains. But none so hard, I think, as Tirek. He was… He was incredible. Is it weird to say that? I’ve just never known of anything to actually absorb magic… and… well…
There’s another reason I gave him my magic.
Not… not just to maybe save my friends.
I did it… I might’ve doomed us all by being ridiculously selfish.
There I was, one of the only ponies left in the entire world with magic. My friends were captured. My enemies were still. My family was weak and fearful. And even the Princesses, the mentors I had always practically worshiped had fallen. My entire life had shattered, leaving behind only me and a lot of magic.
Me and him were equally matched - but I fought with anger, not kindness. Prideful, not honest. Alone, unloyal. Pained, without laughter. Greedy of keeping my rock, and not generous enough to care for my friends. I… I had magic.
But at that one point in time, I didn’t have friendship.
And at that one point in time, I was practically invincible.
And… he made that deal. That deal to make that last pillar fall away. That last rock, the only thing I was holding onto, disappear. He would give me my friends, true; but he had just proven that they did nothing more than my magic did. Why would they support me? Like me? Trust me ever again? help me now?
I thought about it all. All the suffering. All the attacks, all the disharmony around me. It was like a black void, and I had been falling for so long. I just never realized it. To my dismay, and to everyone else's, I was done. I was tired… and so I gave up.
I gave him my magic, not in the hopes that he would give me my friends, but in the hopes that as I was the Element of Magic, he would take ALL my power. That he would take my life.
And… we stopped him.
Friendship truly was magic enough to stop him.
And… I hated it.
And still the void sucks me in.
I need your help, Princess. I need advice. I know I shouldn’t feel this way - after all, my friends have given me great joy! I love them… yet I cannot help but deplore them. I want nothing to do with them, yet they are the only ones who have managed to save me from falling altogether…
I’m not sure which I want more now.
I think I should return to bed now, Princess. It will be dawn soon.
I look forward to seeing your sunrise. Signed Twilight
I am glad you have written to me. I am only regretful that it has taken so long to respond to you. I had to find my parchment, and heavens know my guards were startled to hear me awake so late. I’m usually asleep by now; not that I am critiquing you, Twilight. As you said, it is very late, and I will be making my fair share of errors.
I understand exactly what you’re going through.
I understand what you’re going though.
I have seen your troubles before. Luna, be - I saw it in myself.
I didn’t realize how hard this is to write. I commend you for your bravery. You see, everyone on this planet is liable to have these feelings. It is far more common than you would ever believe. I felt something akin to what you have. I cannot say I felt your same feelings, for everyone has different sufferings; but I can tell you my personal struggle and how I overcome it.
It began after Luna left. I banished Luna. I was distraught. I couldn’t handle having left her alone for so long that she… became what she was. I struggled, day by day, to do things I had once thought simple. A mere trifle of my magic. Now, it had become moving a mountain - ten times that. It was becoming a god, each day, just to awaken to set the moon which now contained the only pony I could ever truly love.
He snuck up on me. I call it a he, for it is easier to personify it. However, I will admit it is simply an emotion. A horrid, sick emotion, but an emotion nonetheless. It’s important to remember that; without that simple ideal, it is impossible to overcome.
It, then, snuck up on me. It came silently, at first. Random aches, tired, sleepless nights; it became so hard to sleep. I imagine that same curse holds you now. But, just as he came silently, he still whispered and wormed his way into my mind. He convinced me of horrible things. Dreadful things that I wished weren’t true.
He told me I didn’t love my sister enough.
He told me my sister was dead.
He told me I had killed her.
For awhile, I believed him.
For awhile, I believed everything he said.
I still know what he said was true.
I still understand what he was trying to do. He was trying to scare me. It worked. I’ll admit that; you know I would be lying to you if I tried not to deny it. It shook me to the core, the things he whispered. The startling thing was, after he was done whispering, those thoughts still affected me.
The emotion, I have deemed, is depression. It is a terribly good word for it, a sickeningly fitting word. A depression is a hole. It is a dent in the very essence of a being. That is exactly how I felt. I can only wonder if you feel the same - somehow, I am almost certain that you do.
That… dent left a horrible emptiness. At first, I blamed Luna. It is… worrying painful to admit, but it is true. I blamed her for my depression. She had changed; she had caused this. But depression feeds on those types of thoughts. Anger and rage and sadness and pain all turn, in one way or another, into guilt. It all just… floods its way back onto you.
I hated myself. I hated myself ever so much. I had been so blind, and I was painfully aware of it. As I grew more self-loathing, my rule fell apart. Around me, new disasters sprung up that I was unable to face. Famines, disease, and things I simply could not solve. Each disaster brought back painful memories. I began to seclude myself. I just… I wanted to live alone. I wanted to be alone. If I was alone, then maybe, just maybe, the depression couldn’t find me.
It was then that I learned the true magic of friendship, I think.
Depression is a hard thing to overcome. In fact, it may very well be impossible to. I say this truthfully, as that is what you deserve, my faithful student. It is an emotion, caused by chemical charges in the brain. You must remember this, however - no matter what the cause, be it magical or chemical, your emotions are real. Please, my faithful student Twilight, do not forget that. Your emotions matter greatly, and the proof is your friendships.
The disharmonies you mention. Why, I must ask, would your friends stay together if they are so obviously unfit to be friends?
It is you, Twilight. You are the connector of them all. It is a hard task, but I know you can do this, Twilight. So do they. That is why they are still your friends, despite all of their, and your, flaws. That is true friendship - being able to admit when your closest friend is a bit of an idiot, or a bit hyperactive, or prideful, or has a temper, or any of the above. That is true friendship.
I cannot stress this point enough: anytime you feel this emotion, talk. Send me a letter, wake Spike and talk to him, visit a friend. If any of them, at any point fails you - which I find very unlikely - go to another source. Go to a stranger if needs be - sometimes, an unfamiliar face makes it that much easier.
I still struggle, to this day. I talk to my sister, now. Hugs are just as magical as friendship, and I suggest you share them with others. They help. I know it sounds corny, but they do.
Please, Twilight, do this one thing for me. Go to a mirror. Smile, as best you can, and make sure it isn’t fake. Smile as though you are happy, and say, “I am a beautiful mare, and I matter.” It will help you. I know it.
If you need to see me, you know where to find me. My doors are open always.
