"You're the first male? Did Twilight make you? Where did you come from? Do you like parties? Psh, what am I thinking? Of course you like parties! What kind of cake would you like?"
This is flanderization. While Pinkie has gone on overexcited rants before, if she's asking questions really quickly, she doesn't say multiple questions, she says one question and either repeats it over and over or says "Do ya? Do ya?" on loop until somepony stuffs a hoof in her mouth.
"We're gonna ask the questions, buster!" She yelled, scaring me more than the pink one did. "For starters, did Twilight make you?!" Thank god, someone pulled the deranged mare off of me. As soon as I fell on the floor I hightailed it under the bed.
"Rainbow Dash! Don't be rude, you're scaring the poor mare." I heard the ivory mare scolding the crazy pony. Wait, mare? I should have known that the females ponies of this world would be called 'mares'.
First:Rainbow Dash is generally not this hostile to those she has never seen before UNLESS they are actively being malicious, such as Nightmare Moon once Celestia vanishes. Second: Troy has heard the word "mare" used to describe female ponies several times before then, and has been confused as being female several times before, and yet he hasn't been confused about the word "mare" until that quote. This is inconsistent with Troy's portrayal up until this point.
I heold my hand out and I guess her idea of a handshake was shaking me like a ragdoll.
First: It's "held" not "heold" Second: The structure of the sentence is awkward. At the minimum, a comma must be placed after the word "out."
“Will you stop bringing that up already?!” Rainbow shouted.
That is literally the only time he brought it up. When someone says "stop bringing that up," it generally means that someone is constantly talking about it and has brought it up at least twice before then. They haven't been constantly talking about it, and this was the first time Troy brought it up.
Too many typos to list, but not so many that the story is hard to read. I recommend pasting this on Microsoft Word, as that would easily catch more than half of all observed errors. Also, when closing a quoation and continuing with an "he said," you want the last punctuation before the closing quote to be a comma and not a period. EX: "Hey there," I said. An interesting enough premise, though I have to wonder how Twilight knows words like "colt" if none exist.
So far, the story isn't terrible, there are a few hiccups here and there like
She wore a forest-green loincloth that did nothing to cover those massive jugs
i wouldn't expect a loincloth to cover her breasts...loin cloths are used to cover the penis and vaginal area
Also
'Am I seriously that rare in an all female world?'
That right there is un necessary, it literally answered itself.
I don't quite remember the quote, but some one once said something along the lines of, "a good author knows how to convey a story, a great author knows how to convey it with as little words as possible" it's a good rule of thumb, as readers don't often have a great attention span. Try cutting off or reducing things like the description of the M6 and spike, as we all know how they look like, unless there are major changes like rarity being an alicorn.
Also, the main character's over reaction to rainbow dash is a little bit annoying. I can understand being jumpy and nervous because an 8 foot tall amazon of a woman obviously doesn't like you, but hiding underneath the bed is something no person, rational or not, would think is a good idea. She's an amazon, she can most likely throw the bed with little to no effort.
Hell Dashie, as long as you keep having that reaction I'll keep bringing it up.
One hell of a "rewrite" though to have Sunset and Starlight in the mix. At least there has been major improvement in many areas, though the same weaknesses are present they have a little bit more "reinforcement".
It's not bad per se cause surprisingly (in my opinion atleast) the dialogues actually flow's well enough for me not being tempted to just spill an entire hot sauce on both my eye's.
However it still has some spelling mistakes and the protag (main char) is strange since he sometimes changes to some guy that has grown a pair to a literal pussy that would run like a mouse being chased by a cat the moment you shout "RAVIOLI" even though he is expecting it.
8415513 i noticed that too. clearly the whole point is to make him seem relatable to the various ponies he'll be porking. rather then give him a firm personality that he could rely on, keeping the personality flexing like that ensures that he can appeal to multiple ponies so when it comes to the typical "choose who you get stuck with" bit he ends up choosing all of them.
...I'm am so very tired of HIEs where the Male human is a sniveling spineless doormat. There are so many fics where this is the case it might as well be a tag for the storys main page.
"Sorry Twilight. My pinkie sense drew me here. A real doozy." She added while bouncing around like a happy child letting her JJ cup breasts bounce around. She was slightly shorter than Twilight, her poofy cotton candy mane and tail were a darker shade of pink than her fur color. She only had an apron on that seemed to hug her curves wonderfully. It even had a little frosting and flour on it. She stared at me with her bright blue eyes as her vibrant pink wings started fluttering behind her back. She even had a horn on her head like Twilight.
SWEET MERCIFUL GOD!!!! I swear if Fluttershy’s is something like ZZZ or something imm die form ....UGH IDK THE ABSURDITY!!!!
I guessing that probably Eris(Rule63 Discord)?
Loved this chapter, good job but when will the other 2 will be out?
First off, glad to see this story is back. Second, when can we expect to see the next chapter?
This is flanderization. While Pinkie has gone on overexcited rants before, if she's asking questions really quickly, she doesn't say multiple questions, she says one question and either repeats it over and over or says "Do ya? Do ya?" on loop until somepony stuffs a hoof in her mouth.
First:Rainbow Dash is generally not this hostile to those she has never seen before UNLESS they are actively being malicious, such as Nightmare Moon once Celestia vanishes.
Second: Troy has heard the word "mare" used to describe female ponies several times before then, and has been confused as being female several times before, and yet he hasn't been confused about the word "mare" until that quote. This is inconsistent with Troy's portrayal up until this point.
First: It's "held" not "heold"
Second: The structure of the sentence is awkward. At the minimum, a comma must be placed after the word "out."
That is literally the only time he brought it up. When someone says "stop bringing that up," it generally means that someone is constantly talking about it and has brought it up at least twice before then. They haven't been constantly talking about it, and this was the first time Troy brought it up.
8256264
...... Creative liscencing. Your argument is now invalid.
Too many typos to list, but not so many that the story is hard to read. I recommend pasting this on Microsoft Word, as that would easily catch more than half of all observed errors. Also, when closing a quoation and continuing with an "he said," you want the last punctuation before the closing quote to be a comma and not a period. EX: "Hey there," I said.
An interesting enough premise, though I have to wonder how Twilight knows words like "colt" if none exist.
That was awesome read funny to can't wait to read more .
So far, the story isn't terrible, there are a few hiccups here and there like
i wouldn't expect a loincloth to cover her breasts...loin cloths are used to cover the penis and vaginal area
Also
That right there is un necessary, it literally answered itself.
I don't quite remember the quote, but some one once said something along the lines of, "a good author knows how to convey a story, a great author knows how to convey it with as little words as possible" it's a good rule of thumb, as readers don't often have a great attention span. Try cutting off or reducing things like the description of the M6 and spike, as we all know how they look like, unless there are major changes like rarity being an alicorn.
Also, the main character's over reaction to rainbow dash is a little bit annoying. I can understand being jumpy and nervous because an 8 foot tall amazon of a woman obviously doesn't like you, but hiding underneath the bed is something no person, rational or not, would think is a good idea. She's an amazon, she can most likely throw the bed with little to no effort.
Other than that, the rest is good
Hell Dashie, as long as you keep having that reaction I'll keep bringing it up.
One hell of a "rewrite" though to have Sunset and Starlight in the mix. At least there has been major improvement in many areas, though the same weaknesses are present they have a little bit more "reinforcement".
It's ok at this point IMO.
8351367
You explained it way much better than I would have my dude
It's not bad per se cause surprisingly (in my opinion atleast) the dialogues actually flow's well enough for me not being tempted to just spill an entire hot sauce on both my eye's.
However it still has some spelling mistakes and the protag (main char) is strange since he sometimes changes to some guy that has grown a pair to a literal pussy that would run like a mouse being chased by a cat the moment you shout "RAVIOLI" even though he is expecting it.
8415513
i noticed that too.
clearly the whole point is to make him seem relatable to the various ponies he'll be porking. rather then give him a firm personality that he could rely on, keeping the personality flexing like that ensures that he can appeal to multiple ponies so when it comes to the typical "choose who you get stuck with" bit he ends up choosing all of them.
does he have amnesia or did you just not want to say detroit outloud?
No scalies. One of the most terrifying things I discovered on the Internet during my web spelunking expeditions.
8768107
You’ve obviously been looking at the wrong artists. I’ve seen some really great pics of scaly girls who were downright beautiful.
...I'm am so very tired of HIEs where the Male human is a sniveling spineless doormat. There are so many fics where this is the case it might as well be a tag for the storys main page.
9027568
And yet you are still reading one.
SWEET MERCIFUL GOD!!!! I swear if Fluttershy’s is something like ZZZ or something imm die form ....UGH IDK THE ABSURDITY!!!!
Applejack has wings?