This chapter, while not the worst, could use a bit of work. Maybe it's just me, but i feel that some of the moments here are pointless, like where barb tries to explain the pony tribes only to be interrupted by the mane 6 and then twilight explains it anyway, like she was supposed to before. This chapter seems to have little problems in grammar (which is actually good), but storywise it's a bit rushed (though maybe it was because it was split in two). Again, not a bad chapter, but it could be better (though I will give credit where credit is due and say I liked the beginning).
“I guess whatever you came from that isn’t the case?”
“No it’s not.”
It should be "I guess that wherever..." because where refers to a place, while what refers to a specific place, like a house or a snake.
“He doesn’t need to learn about how the wheel was invented, just how it works now.” Rainbow retorted. I was starting to feel very uncomfortable and thought about leaving the room. I got a few steps before I heard. “Girls! You’re scaring him.” I turned to see Fluttershy talking while looking at Twilight and Rainbow. “This isn’t something that should be argued about.”
You forgot to used separate paragraphs for two different characters here. The first quote in the paragraph is Rainbows, while the other two are Fluttershy's. As such, this needs to be split into two paragraphs.
Twilight pinches the bridge of the nose. “Fine!” Twilight responded. She then turned towards me. “Do you want to know every pony's cutie mark story?”
“I’d rather not.” I said, since she was scaring the hell out of me with that look she was giving. “So how about you just show me to my room, since I’m going to by living here?” I asked, and her demeanor changed to a normal one.
First: we know that she's annoyed, but simple annoyance shouldn't produce a look that "scares the hell out of me" unless you're Fluttershy. We aren't told that she's using a glare, simply that she's annoyed. Second: it should be "be" instead of "by"
“Well excuse me for being short compared to a room full of nudist amazons.” I shouted, since the blue mare was starting to get on my nerves.
“Take it easy Troy.” Twilight said getting in between me and Trixie. “As i said, they’re ponies I can trust to keep a secret.”
First: people call them "amazonians" not "amazons." Amazon is the forest, while amazonian refers to very large women. Second: the "i" should be capitalized.
Is that all your story is going to be. weak little man being raped by Amazon naked b******. is that all is that always going to be. come on put something better than just having a weak Guy being pushed around by females. I believe in equality but damn it put something better than just having all nothing but this in fimfiction
“I got my talent by beating a few old bullies back in my flight school days in a race.” She boasts, puffing her chest out again with a smug look. “It was also the same race that helped get my friend’s cutie marks.”
“Is all you ever do brag about yourself?” I asked, a little annoyed at her bragging.
I'm stopping here. These characters are too dull for me to continue reading. Like seriously, Troy ASKED her what her cutie mark was, and it's quite obvious that most ponies would brag about their cutie mark, not to mention this is actually the first time she brags about anything in the whole of the story (other than, perhaps, when Twilight mentioned she was the fastest flier in the world. But even then, Rainbow was not the one bragging about it.). I really want to continue, if only to see how much worse (or better) it gets, but I can't stand characters like this. Sorry, but I'm out.
Welp, so much for the overhaul. Reminds me of Love Hina and Oh! My Goddess! Pussy male protagonist all over again. Seriously, who the hell would want a simp? With the way the characterization is for the large main cast-none of them would and the romance will be forced due to the implausible nature of this overused formula. Let's inject something plausible: Ponies don't know English, main OC protagonist can try to overcome the language barrier while building relationships while staying with Twilight and her big ass castle (for a village, it's overkill), Barbie goes into heat first? LOL I'd like to see her be restrained as a few chapters focus on her hilariously lust-fueled shenanigans which all end in failure for multiple reasons. Hell that can be an entire fic all its own.
All of a sudden, what sounded like a foghorn blared behind the azure unicorn that sent her to the ceiling, hanging from it like a scared cat. How the hell could she do that without claws?
How did you do that and can you please teach it to me now?
8444716 because she's rarity. i swear every damn story has rarity insulting what the human chooses to wear like, just because they ain't wearing her line of clothing then its terrible.
8768137 Well when you get chased by a nutjob killer, get transported to another world where is only female not knowing what power's or ability they have will make you jumpy and abit easy to scare
This chapter, while not the worst, could use a bit of work. Maybe it's just me, but i feel that some of the moments here are pointless, like where barb tries to explain the pony tribes only to be interrupted by the mane 6 and then twilight explains it anyway, like she was supposed to before. This chapter seems to have little problems in grammar (which is actually good), but storywise it's a bit rushed (though maybe it was because it was split in two). Again, not a bad chapter, but it could be better (though I will give credit where credit is due and say I liked the beginning).
It should be "I guess that wherever..." because where refers to a place, while what refers to a specific place, like a house or a snake.
You forgot to used separate paragraphs for two different characters here. The first quote in the paragraph is Rainbows, while the other two are Fluttershy's. As such, this needs to be split into two paragraphs.
First: we know that she's annoyed, but simple annoyance shouldn't produce a look that "scares the hell out of me" unless you're Fluttershy. We aren't told that she's using a glare, simply that she's annoyed.
Second: it should be "be" instead of "by"
First: people call them "amazonians" not "amazons." Amazon is the forest, while amazonian refers to very large women.
Second: the "i" should be capitalized.
Is that all your story is going to be. weak little man being raped by Amazon naked b******. is that all is that always going to be. come on put something better than just having a weak Guy being pushed around by females. I believe in equality but damn it put something better than just having all nothing but this in fimfiction
Wait are there MAN in the "human wold, past the mirror" ?
8259518
I know right? I mean i like the overrall story but a small weak guy in a land of amazon like mares that is a little weak
Interesting, you have my attention on this good story.
What happen to the original story A World of Mares?
8277851 this is the original, it's just been remade into this.
I can honestly say that I hate your character. He is a fucking wimp and if this is a self insert then sorry but that is just the way I feel.
8300398
i agree
This is a good read but Ihope the MCgets powers soon.
I'm stopping here.
These characters are too dull for me to continue reading. Like seriously, Troy ASKED her what her cutie mark was, and it's quite obvious that most ponies would brag about their cutie mark, not to mention this is actually the first time she brags about anything in the whole of the story (other than, perhaps, when Twilight mentioned she was the fastest flier in the world. But even then, Rainbow was not the one bragging about it.).
I really want to continue, if only to see how much worse (or better) it gets, but I can't stand characters like this.
Sorry, but I'm out.
Welp, so much for the overhaul. Reminds me of Love Hina and Oh! My Goddess! Pussy male protagonist all over again. Seriously, who the hell would want a simp? With the way the characterization is for the large main cast-none of them would and the romance will be forced due to the implausible nature of this overused formula. Let's inject something plausible: Ponies don't know English, main OC protagonist can try to overcome the language barrier while building relationships while staying with Twilight and her big ass castle (for a village, it's overkill), Barbie goes into heat first? LOL I'd like to see her be restrained as a few chapters focus on her hilariously lust-fueled shenanigans which all end in failure for multiple reasons. Hell that can be an entire fic all its own.
I'm done reading this fic though.
Does he have a dam backbone or not...it seems to me that he keeps switching from wimp to having a dick like come on
What right did Rarity have to incinerate his rags?
How did you do that and can you please teach it to me now?
8444716
because she's rarity.
i swear every damn story has rarity insulting what the human chooses to wear like, just because they ain't wearing her line of clothing then its terrible.
Is Applejack an Alicorn.
And why doesn't Trixie Lulamoon Cape ?
Wait are thereMANin the "human wold, past the mirror" ?
He is rather cowardly, isn’t he? Humans, especially males, react aggressively to fear. Not like a sterotypical sissy.
8768137
Well when you get chased by a nutjob killer, get transported to another world where is only female not knowing what power's or ability they have will make you jumpy and abit easy to scare
They don’t belong to you, Rarity. Regardless of whether or not he’s to be wearing them, they’re not yours to discard without permission.
Twilight is quite aggressive.