The figure spoke a little irked, but gasp when she spots another figure within the river.
The female spoke a little shocked. What shocked her more was what she saw within the river.
The figure looked pale without any fur on its body. It clothes were baggy and had shown some signs of wear and tear.
It looked to be a creature. She had never seen anything like it before. It was pale without any fur on its body. The clothes it wore were baggy and showed signs of wear and tear.
The female figure spoke dying the creature.
The woman spoke as she knelt down beside the creature.
The figure within the river opens it's eyes slightly, taking a glance at her, but closes the again as it passes out unconscious.
The being within the river opened its eyes ever so slightly, but they closed as it passed out.
The female figure saw that it was in pain. Seeing as it was hurt, she carries it back to her home.
Seeing that the creature looked like it was in pain, possibly dying. the hooded woman picked it up and carried it back to her home.
I groan waking up.
groaned as I woke
I also remembered a lighting strike where I was. The knock back caused my to hit my head on something.
I also remembered a lighting strike near where I was, with such force it caused me to hit my head on something.
I groggily open my eyes only to cover my face as the light from an open window slightly blinded myas my eyes adjusted to the light from the room.
I groggily opened my eyes only to cover my face as the light from an open window slightly blinded me. Comma between eyes and only
After my eyes adjusted, I look around to find myself in a strange house.
After my eyes adjusted to the light, I looked around to find myself in a strange house.
You thought to yourself as you try to understand why you were here. Better yet, who brought you here?
Troy's POV; first-person I thought to myself as I tried to understand why I was here. Better yet, who brought me here?
I tried to get up only to groan as the throbbing on my head to get worse.
I tried to get up only to groan as the throbbing in my head got worse.
I'm done for now. Be warned. This will take me some time to do this and I will only be able to edit for like an hour, sometimes two. I hope you don't mind.
"I almost get stabbed to death by an unstable bully for witnessing him kill a store clerk, I get chased into an alley, almost get fried by lightning, and now I wind up who knows where! It's almost as if god fucking hates me!"
I think that, given how he's in an unstable mood, he would use something like "fuckface," "piece of shit," or "asshole" to describe that guy, rather than "bully."
I wasn't sure how to explain how other females would react together being naked.
Question why is the mane character a pussy? And dont tell me that just becouse he saw a dead man. If I was in his plays I would have not die like a pussy but a man but I Guess that not all man strong.
"Hey lady! I may not look like it, but I'm male." I said, and I couldn’t point towards my groin to further show it. But then immediately regretted that as the female zebra’s focus shifted to my groin, a light blush started to form on her cheeks.
the second part of the sentence makes it sound like he DID point to his groin.
I agree with the post below this one. Kinda rushed and basically no development. A first chapter is a prime opportunity for at least setting the “flavor” of a character’s personality.
Also, I can’t remember if I’ve read an anthro with human fic in which the mares were not giants. Why? I mean, I ignore that detail but am I missing something in the fandom or what?
Look, let's speak for real for one second, any aspiring writers out there. Please think carefully about every word in your story, and think if you really want your character to be like that ^.
By the common rules of writing you never write anything that doesn't foward one of three simple things; Plot development, Character development or World Building. If you manage to write two at the same time in a scene/act/moment then you're good. If you manage to do all three? Then congratulations, you are making a masterpiece, at least until you can't manage to support the three anymore.
Think to yourself then, what does making your character wet their pants accomplishes? What will that take out of your story if you remove it? Does wetting your pants really adds something to the narrative? Sometimes it does, it does happen in movies after all. But think if it fits your story and fits the tone and theme of the overall happening before making your character look pathetic by almost wetting themselves just about hearing about a danger. ;>
7908203 I knew a guy in middle school that lived in a tent. He didn't want to live under the same roof with his parents.
More edits:
The female spoke a little shocked. What shocked her more was what she saw within the river.
It looked to be a creature. She had never seen anything like it before. It was pale without any fur on its body. The clothes it wore were baggy and showed signs of wear and tear.
The woman spoke as she knelt down beside the creature.
The being within the river opened its eyes ever so slightly, but they closed as it passed out.
Seeing that the creature looked like it was in pain, possibly dying. the hooded woman picked it up and carried it back to her home.
groaned as I woke
I also remembered a lighting strike near where I was, with such force it caused me to hit my head on something.
I groggily opened my eyes only to cover my face as the light from an open window slightly blinded me.
Comma between eyes and only
After my eyes adjusted to the light, I looked around to find myself in a strange house.
Troy's POV; first-person
I thought to myself as I tried to understand why I was here. Better yet, who brought me here?
I tried to get up only to groan as the throbbing in my head got worse.
I'm done for now. Be warned. This will take me some time to do this and I will only be able to edit for like an hour, sometimes two. I hope you don't mind.
8 feet? Seriously? God dude tone down the height a bit
How can he go to school if he's poor and has no family?
I think that, given how he's in an unstable mood, he would use something like "fuckface," "piece of shit," or "asshole" to describe that guy, rather than "bully."
"to her," not "together."
Weird I was not aware this story was going again. I guess I need to move it to a new folder.
Question why is the mane character a pussy? And dont tell me that just becouse he saw a dead man. If I was in his plays I would have not die like a pussy but a man but I Guess that not all man strong.
I love this rewrite so far and can't wait to what's next.
O my god! Eight feet!? SHE IS AN AMAZONIAN WOMAN!.
Well the character is already a little bitch. So now he is a little bitch with a little dick in a world of giants female.
the second part of the sentence makes it sound like he DID point to his groin.
your first chapter of your rewrite is very rushed and little to no character development or introduction to whats happening
you need to improve upon that
I agree with the post below this one. Kinda rushed and basically no development. A first chapter is a prime opportunity for at least setting the “flavor” of a character’s personality.
Also, I can’t remember if I’ve read an anthro with human fic in which the mares were not giants. Why? I mean, I ignore that detail but am I missing something in the fandom or what?
Look, let's speak for real for one second, any aspiring writers out there. Please think carefully about every word in your story, and think if you really want your character to be like that ^.
By the common rules of writing you never write anything that doesn't foward one of three simple things; Plot development, Character development or World Building. If you manage to write two at the same time in a scene/act/moment then you're good. If you manage to do all three? Then congratulations, you are making a masterpiece, at least until you can't manage to support the three anymore.
Think to yourself then, what does making your character wet their pants accomplishes? What will that take out of your story if you remove it? Does wetting your pants really adds something to the narrative? Sometimes it does, it does happen in movies after all. But think if it fits your story and fits the tone and theme of the overall happening before making your character look pathetic by almost wetting themselves just about hearing about a danger. ;>
1200 years? How is anyone besides the immortal alicorns alive?