A light purple stallion is walking through a shady, cloudy night when he meets a mare that he soon learns will be the love of his life. As a storm rage, their pasts become present, falling on to open ears, and they learn that there's more that they're alike than they assume.
Thanks to my friend http://hannaisnotaboysname5.deviantart.com for the coverart.
Base used for image: http://sarahs-adopts.deviantart.com/art/Pony-Lovers-409510349
Base Creator: http://sarahs-adopts.deviantart.com/
Chapters (1)
Okay, well... I think this could be the basis of quite a good story. You've got a couple of OCs there who could be quite interesting characters. The story has some incident, some mystery and some humour. Spelling seems decent, as well. All those are good things to build on. Honestly, for a first-ever fanfic, I've read a lot worse.
It does need work, though. For a start, there's the way you suddenly name Hidden Nocturne a little way into the story. That's rather confusing. Instead, you could name him right from the start and bring in his colouring in the next sentence. So you could do something like this, allowing the relevant details to come out naturally:
The story itself also seems quite rushed, especially for a romance. Things really don't go that quickly unless there's a very specific reason -- say a love potion. It doesn't really feel realistic for all this to happen so fast.
You also need to clean up your speech tags. "This is how you do it," the commenter wrote. Note comma before the closing quotes, not full stop (period). Also, lower-case letter after those quotes. And also, an Author's Note like that on this site is really just asking for trouble. People really don't like being told how they should and shouldn't comment. Just let people say what they want, and simply ignore any stupid stuff.
Finally, why the Irish title? There doesn't seem any reason for it, so it's really distracting. Most people here don't speak the language, so unless there's a very good reason for using a foreign title, I'd recommend sticking to English with fic titles.
I'll stop rambling now. I hope some of that was helpful!
5211272
Wow, thanks for all the helpful feedback ^-^
I did the Irish title because I felt "Nights and Storms" was an extremely boring title, and that it wouldn't attract a lot of readers. I guess to someone who wouldn't personally know the language, it would seem very distracting...
5223727 You're welcome! And yeah, titles can be tricky. I'm not the best at them, but maybe you could have used something like "Those Dark and Stormy Nights" or "Tempestuous" or something. A little less literal and more poetic than just "Nights and Storms", y'see. :)
5224902 Yeah ^-^
I never was too great when it came to names either.