Oícheanta agus Stoirmeacha

by ArcaneNights765

Calm Before the Storm

A light purple stallion was walking through the moonlight. He looked up at the sky, seeing the soft shine of the moonlight, the light making the green of the grass and leaves look a light teal. He spread his wings, the light blue tips of his wings glinting and shimmering in the moon's glow.

Taking flight, he flew toward the town of Ponyville. 'I can't believe that It's already been a year since I left Manehattan...' He thought to himself, landing on the 'Welcome' mat of his house. He heard a light voice from behind him, causing him to stop and turn around.

"Hello?" He turned and looked around. He walked out into the moonlight again, looking all around him with his good eye.

"Who's there?" He started to go into a prone position, spreading his wings slightly.

"Well... Whoever's there, please don't be messing with me." Hidden Nocturne turned around to come face-to-face with a copper furred unicorn mare.

"BOO!" The mare shouted, kicking up her front legs in a intimidating pose, to which Nocturne replied "You're not too frightening, you know that right?"

The mare fell back onto her front hooves. "Aw, bah. You could've at least ACTED like I scared you." She snorted slightly.

"Why are you trying to play pranks on random ponies in the middle of the night?" Nocturne asked, turning his head askew.

"Just trying to have a little fun, jeez..." The mare sat on the dirt, her jet black mane shimmering.

"Right... So, what's your name?" Nocturne asked, stretching out his wings and sitting down himself.

"Stormfront, what's yours?" Stormfront asked, which Nocturne replied "Hidden Nocturne, but ponies call me Nocturne."

Stormfront looked up, seeing the sky coated with dark clouds. "Looks like it'll rain soon..."

Nocturne looked up as well, feeling the soft chill in the air. "Yeah, it is isn't it? Well, my home's right there..." He pointed back towards home "...Do you want to... Come in?" He asked, feeling his cheeks glow slightly.

"Um, sure." Stormfront said, feeling her own cheeks glow. "Thanks."

Nocturne held the door open for the mare, walking in himself and sitting on the couch. "Make yourself at home."

The mare sat in a chair adjutant to the couch. "So, Nocturne, what do you like doing?" The mare asked, crossing her hooves.

"Oh, um, I mostly like swimming and listening to music." He felt himself glow brighter, looking towards the couch cushions to hide his cheeks, but Stormfront noticing anyways.

"So, your name... Does it mean anyth-" Stormfront asked before a thunderclap suddenly crashed through the air, causing her to jump slightly and scurry over to the stallion.

Nocturne felt the mare's head pressing into his neck, shivering slightly. He wrapped his hoof around her shoulder, blushing.

The mare realized what she did and turned a bright scarlet.

"How ironic that the mare with the word 'storm' in her name was scared of some thunder." Nocturne said, trying to be cute.

"Oh shut up." She pushed him back, blushing harder.

"I was just messing with you." Nocturne chuckled, mussing her mane.

"Just still..." She faced away from him, blushing still.

"Just still what?" Nocturne asked,turning his head askew.

"I don't want to be messed around with like that." Stormfront said, sitting on the other side of the couch, her arms crossed.

"Sorry then..." Nocturne said, looking down and lying on his back.

They both sat quietly, the sound of the raging storm outside flooding the house. Another clash of lightning flashed across the sky, knocking the house's power out.

"Aw damnit..." Nocturne said, fumbling around for a match and candle.

"Let me help you..." Stormfront used her magic to light up the room, then helping Nocturne find a few matches and a candle.

The flame from the candle is causing the silhouettes of the two ponies against the wall of the room. Stormfront looked around, letting her sight fall on Nocturne's face, and noticing his scar.

"How'd you get that scar?" She asked, pointing at his left eye.

"Oh, it's a long story, you probably don't want to hear it." Nocturne turned red again, crossing his hooves.

"No, I sincerely want to know." Stormfront said, scooting closer to the purple stallion.

Nocturne breathed in and exhaled, starting with "A while back, I had gotten into a fight with a few school foals. They were trying to tease my sister, so I was trying to make them leave her alone..."

The stallion looked over at the mare, her sky-blue eyes shimmering in the orange candle flame's light, with the flame itself dancing in her pupil.

"...I managed to get them to leave..." He continued "...For that day. They came back a few days later, one of them with a knife."

He noticed the mare gasp out of the corner of his eye. "I actually fought them with a pole I found, and the one with the knife got a slash at my eye. This was back when me and my sister still lived in Canterlot, and a guard had noticed what had happened."

The mare was wide-eyed, her hooves in her lap. "He got me to the closest hospital, got my wound disinfected, and paid for the operation and everything. And that's how I got my scar." Nocturne finished, the mare's silence telling him that he awed her.

"I'm so sorry..." The mare was looking at her front hooves in her lap, looking away and rubbing the back of her mane.

"It's alright, at least you're showing sympathy." Nocturne wrapped his hoof around her neck, laying her head in his neck.

"Um..." She felt herself turn a bright shade of scarlet, feeling the stallion's warmth. "...Thanks then..."

The lights turned back on, prompting them both to look up.

Nocturne released her and said "I guess we should blow out the candle then..."

Stormfront turned off the lights and laid her head in the stallion's neck again. "I don't know, I like this a little more."

Nocturne turned red again, wrapping his hooves around her back. "Sure, if you want, I guess..."

Author's Note:

This is my first REAL fanfiction, and I hope most of you who read it enjoy it. I do love constructive criticism, as it is a wonderful source to learn to be a better writer, but comments flatly saying that you don't like a certain part or that I didn't do something between the characters right will be ignored.

Comments

[Loganberry]

Okay, well... I think this could be the basis of quite a good story. You've got a couple of OCs there who could be quite interesting characters. The story has some incident, some mystery and some humour. Spelling seems decent, as well. All those are good things to build on. Honestly, for a first-ever fanfic, I've read a lot worse.

It does need work, though. For a start, there's the way you suddenly name Hidden Nocturne a little way into the story. That's rather confusing. Instead, you could name him right from the start and bring in his colouring in the next sentence. So you could do something like this, allowing the relevant details to come out naturally:

Hidden Nocturne walked through the night-time fields. The stallion's light purple fur glinted in the soft moonlight.

The story itself also seems quite rushed, especially for a romance. Things really don't go that quickly unless there's a very specific reason -- say a love potion. It doesn't really feel realistic for all this to happen so fast.

You also need to clean up your speech tags. "This is how you do it," the commenter wrote. Note comma before the closing quotes, not full stop (period). Also, lower-case letter after those quotes. And also, an Author's Note like that on this site is really just asking for trouble. People really don't like being told how they should and shouldn't comment. Just let people say what they want, and simply ignore any stupid stuff.

Finally, why the Irish title? There doesn't seem any reason for it, so it's really distracting. Most people here don't speak the language, so unless there's a very good reason for using a foreign title, I'd recommend sticking to English with fic titles.

I'll stop rambling now. I hope some of that was helpful!

[ArcaneNights765]

5211272

Wow, thanks for all the helpful feedback ^-^

I did the Irish title because I felt "Nights and Storms" was an extremely boring title, and that it wouldn't attract a lot of readers. I guess to someone who wouldn't personally know the language, it would seem very distracting...

[Loganberry]

5223727 You're welcome! And yeah, titles can be tricky. I'm not the best at them, but maybe you could have used something like "Those Dark and Stormy Nights" or "Tempestuous" or something. A little less literal and more poetic than just "Nights and Storms", y'see. :)

[ArcaneNights765]

5224902 Yeah ^-^
I never was too great when it came to names either.