A painting is beautiful when finished. Every drop of paint dry on a smooth, no longer completely white canvas. But many only see the final product, the climax of the painting. Few see its beginning, and fewer still witness its end. While heroes may be remembered for fighting monsters and destroying evil, who remembers them when they were foals? Who remembers when the only thing a hero swung around was a stick before they ever swung a spear? Everypony wants to see the hero at their greatest, but how many see them at their most vulnerable?
It's not the beginning, the end, or the middle that is the most important. It is rather the whole piece, the journey, that creates a far better experience. To start at the beginning is to know the hero, and to know how they came to be the pony they are when they reach the climax of their journey, when they are the mightiest they can be. And in the end, that legacy will live on.
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This story involves same sex relationships, but other than that it follows pretty much all the rules of the MLP: FiM show (read as: no sex, no swearing, alcohol, violent death and harsh prejudice). It's written in the simple spirit of MLP: FiM, and it only gets a little off track for the birth of Fading Blossom, her death and her eventual kissings of colts/mares. Other than those very small breaks, expect language similar to the show (horseapples and the like) and a very in depth love story with some kick-flank adventures.
Cheers mates.
-Skull025
Okay, this is my first fic I've ever published. I want good and bad criticism. Praise what I did well, and feel free to point out the stuff I did poorly on. People tell me I'm a good writer. I think I'm an okay writer and I'd like to get better. I've got big plans for this fic.
-Skull025
i dont know waht to say but ill defenitaly be looking foeqward to other chapters
I thought it was quite good, though you may want to go back through again for grammatical and terminological errors "Addition" in place of "Edition" for example. Otherwise everything seems to be in order and I hope you continue work on this. Best of luck to you!
I am liking it so far. Not really anything to criticize yet, not a lot going on, but I'll favorite this story. Thanks for writing.
521767
What'd you think of word choice? Grammar? Was the bit about pegasi escaping their troubles and flying vs Inferno Blaze's love of the land unecessary?
521752
If you kindly point out the context of that error I'll be sure to change it, for I have no clue what you're talking about.
521824
The first paragraph of the family in the house, after naming their daughter, you called her an edition to the home instead of addition
Also, I know you asked GB this but I feel like answering, as to the part about Inferno Blaze's love of the land, I think you would do well to leave that in, it was well written and gives me more of a feeling for the character, otherwise I could care less, this way I know something about him. Is that theme going to be brought back later?
521893
Of course. It is essential to the setting. Sorry for the error, correcting now.
521749
I'm sorry about letting my grammar nazi escape, but...
I
Don't
What
I'll
Definitely
Forward
And add a period at the end.
521920
Thank you for doing that so that I didn't have to.
Grammar Nazis unite!
I liked the word choice, very descriptive. I'm not much of a grammar nazi. Sorry if I'm unhelpful, not really good at giving out suggestions!
I did like the thing about pegasi escaping their troubles. It makes sense. And I agree with imrm7, it does add a bit to his character. Now write more so I can read more! 
Paragraph 1
-The lead sentence is in passive voice. Easily corrected by removing the "was" and changing "pacing" to "paced".
-"Inferno Blaze"? Are pony names ever repetitious like this? Try and think of a pony w/ two names where the two names mean the same thing.
-Sentence 2 calls the floor white for the second time. Unnecessary.
-The details in this paragraph read like a checklist. I'm not sure that the info in Sentence 3 really helps in any way.
Paragraph 2
-"ever so often" should be "every so often". Even so, it comes off as awkward-sounding when read aloud.
-"harder into the floor" should probably be "harder on the polished linoleum" or something to that effect; he's not breaking the floor, is he?
Paragraph 3
-I would have led the story with a line like this. The pacing thing is kind of cliche for a lead sentence.
Paragraph 4
-"The ground, far below, was always where a pegasus’ troubles lay." > This is an opinion and should be given by a character, if at all. Also "pegasus'" should be "pegasus's".
-"drove many a feathered pony to just leap up and escape their concerns" > I get what you're trying to establish here, but try to do it w/o generalizations.
-"At least for a while, until fatigue drove them to land, and consequently deal with whatever barrel of apples they’d left to rot in their absence." > The first half of this line is redundant; no one would think that a pegasus could fly forever. The second half doesn't make a terrible amount of sense. Are the majority of a pegasus pony's responsibilities on the ground? Also, apples? Are there pegasus farmers? They seemed to suck at it in "Hearth's Warming Eve".
-"the soft, billowing clouds" > unnecessary comma
Paragraph 5
-"the animals and the scurrying critters" > "and" should be "or", but this is repetitive anyway; "scurrying critters" are "animals" too.
-"The thing he cherished most about the ground was the brown dirt, and the green grass and the grey, tough rocks." > "The things that he cherished most about the ground were the brown dirt, the green grass, and the tough gray rocks." grammar issues
-"It was too blue, too white, too. . . Unaffected." > "Unaffected" should not be capitalized. Also, this sentence makes it seem like Blaze's problem w/ the sky is somewhat superficial (in other words, don't comment on the color twice).
-"Even the harshest of rain storms rarely reached the height of Cloudsdale, where the weather was nearly always pristine. And even when the storms did, the sweet smell of freshly fallen rain was never present. It was just water, and it always seeped through the clouds and back to the ground, carrying that sweet refreshing smell with it." - This is repetitious and could easily be shortened down to two sentences. The first sentence says the same thing twice in two different ways (if storms are rare, then pristine weather is common). The third sentence begins by stating the obvious.
Paragraph 6
-"It was the same earth Rain fell in love with," > "same earth that Rain fell"; you make this mistake often - I won't point it out from here on.
-"like a pair of rain drops exiting a cloud to meet the wet grass below" > I'm sure it was unintentional, but this simile sounds kinda gross due to some unfortunate word choice. Try reading it aloud and you'll see what I mean. I get what you're trying to say just . . . find another way to say it.
Paragraph 7
-"his gaze trying to pierce through and see the other side" > "trying in vain to pierce through them with the intensity of his gaze"; his "gaze" didn't perform the action here.
-"wife was doing. How his child was doing" > You could replace the period with a dash; these aren't two separate sentences.
-"The doctors said he couldn’t be present. He couldn’t exactly remember why" > Watch out for word repetition (couldn't x2). Also "said that he couldn't".
-"had hardly any sleep" > "had hardly gotten any sleep" missing verb
-"though the hospital staff made sure he had a daisy and honey sandwich" > We don't need to know what he ate; this actually kills the mood a bit. Also, wouldn't it just add to the tension if he couldn't hold down any food? Why mention that he's been fed at all?
Paragraph 9
-“Mr. Infer-” she was abruptly cut off as Inferno grabbed the nurse by the shoulders. > Take the action here and assign it to the beginning of the next paragraph. Also, correct the passive voice. "Inferno grabbed the nurse roughly by her shoulders, cutting off her greeting in mid-sentence. "Is she okay?" he exclaimed. "Is Rain okay?"" Try to keep actions relegated to the subject of the paragraph.
Paragraph 10
-"He looked down and saw" > I'm pretty sure that he'd feel this first. This broke my suspension of disbelief for a moment. Not worth the tepid humor; the nurse's action is amusing in its own right.
Paragraph 11
-"to fix the broken veins before she bled out" > "to stop the bleeding" The way that this is worded sounds like car repair. Also, the nurse wouldn't unnecessarily mention the worst possible outcome, especially if it had been narrowly avoided.
-"bring her blood level to a stable state" > "restore all the blood she lost" Blood doesn't have "stable" or "unstable" states. It can be lost, or infected, but not "unstable".
Paragraph 12
-"hours in it’s wake" > "it's" should be "its"
-"her?” He asked, the fatigue plain in his voice" > Don't capitalize "He".
Paragraph 13
-The first period should be a comma. Also, it seems inconsistent for the nurse to tell Blaze to calm down and then ask him to rush.
Paragraph 14
-There should be a comma after "Thank you".
"He pushed through the the door to Rain’s room open" > I don't think I should have to point out the two problems w/ this line.
Paragraph 15
-"The walls of the room were a deep, brown, polished mahogany." > Too much detail crammed together. Use fewer words or make the composition and color two separate sentence fragments.
-"with much needed blood" > Put a hyphen between "much" and "needed".
-"Her golden eyes had turned to the door as Inferno entered, a small, weak smile gracing her lips, amusement flickering in her eyes as he took in the sight before him." > This is a run-on sentence w/ two subjects; break it up into two sentences.
Paragraph 16
-You've used the word "was" in every single sentence for a while now. Aside from passive voice concerns, you need to vary your wording and sentence structure more lest your descriptions read like checklists.
-"cute round little nose" > either put a comma after "cute" or use one fewer adjective
-"And she was staring at him with big, blue eyes, filled with curiosity and wonder." Unnecessary comma after "big", plus the fact that this is a sentence fragment.
Paragraph 17
-"He saw this little filly grow from a promise" > "He'd seen this little" tense confusion, but nice way of avoiding adult subject matter.
-"when she was just a" > "from when she'd been just a" further tense confusion
-"Now she is a promise kept," > "is" should be "was" - more tense confusion / The comma should also be a semi-colon.
-"She was something that had to be nurtured, loved and protected until the day Inferno died." > This objectifies Blossom and makes her sound like a dire responsibility. Try instead, "Inferno knew right then and there that he would love, nurture, and protect this little miracle until the day he died."
-"She was delicate now, but will one day be strong. Still, that day was far in the future, and now he must tend to their beautiful foal." > This is just repetitive. Move on so as not to ruin the moment.
Paragraph 18
-"He whispered." > Don't capitalize dialogue tags. I won't be mentioning this one again.
Paragraph 19
-"Inferno’s looked at Rain Twister, a concerned look accompanying the gaze." > Why is there a possessive on Inferno's name? Also, you used "looked", "look", and "gaze" in a single sentence. Isn't there another way to say this?
Paragraph 20
-"Rain giggled." > Move to the next paragraph where Rain is speaking.
Paragraph 21
-"She’s fine dear" > Needs a comma after "fine". Always put a comma before any character addresses another character in dialogue.
Paragraph 22
-"And immediately fell flat on her face." > Technically a fragment, but it scores enough style points that I'll let it pass.
Paragraph 24
-"She’s walking." > The period should be a comma since it leads into a dialogue tag.
-"low so to not destroy" > "low so as not to destroy" - grammar error
-"Slowly, she made her way to her father," > "She slowly made her way to her father" - Cut down on the number of pauses when you can.
-"Soon, she’d made her way to Inferno Blaze," > You just used this expression one sentence ago. Beware repetition.
-"her dark blue eyes staring deeply into his dark magenta ones" > more repetition - You could just replace "dark magenta ones" w/ "own".
-"stretched up" > "stretched upward" - grammar error
Paragraph 25
-"then jumped forward and wrapped her tiny legs around his stocky front leg in a soft, but firm, embrace." > This seems a bit much for a newborn who'd been having trouble walking just moments before.
Paragraph 26
-"Rain rolled her eyes." > Move this to the next paragraph.
Paragraph 28
-"Rain Twister cocked her head to the side, a thoughtful look on her face." > Move this to the next paragraph.
Paragraph 29
-"Inferno was confused for a moment as he thought back. Then it hit him." > Move this to the next paragraph.
Paragraph 31
-“Yeah! That’s a beautiful name.” Rain said with quiet conviction. > "Yeah" should be "Yes" to keep the tone consistent.
Paragraph 35
-“Absolutely!” Rain Twister said ecstatically. > Remember that blood loss makes you weak, if it even leaves you conscious at all. This sentence should also be its own paragraph - everything after this has to do w/ Blaze.
Paragraph 38
-"dreaming of the days to come." > Don't elaborate after telling us that this assumption is untrue.
Paragraph 39
-"inquisitive eyes observing the" > Put an "and" after "eyes".
-"expansive sky, jumping from" > "expansive sky, her focus jumping from" - missing subject
-"taking it’s shine and color before" > "taking in the shine and color of each before" - general number confusion
Paragraph 40
-"It was comforting and gentle, serene, and had a fascinating arrangement of craters that looked like a familiar shape she couldn’t quite put her hoof on." > Run-on sentence
-"But the moon went farther than that for her." > Sentence fragment; you know what to do. Don't begin sentences w/ "and" or "but" outside of dialogue.
-"It gave her a personal comfort afforded to few others." > "comfort that it afforded to few others."
Paragraph 41
-This sentence seems unnecessary, especially since her mother is still alive.
Paragraph 43
-"made it’s way" > "made its way" - Remember, "it's" is a contraction for "it is"; "its" indicates possession.
In the future, make use of www.grammarcheck.net. It found most of these issues and is an excellent free proofreading device.
Aside from what's stated above, I actually enjoyed reading this. I can't even remember any SDT moments, which is pretty amazing in its own right. I'd say that you only have technical problems to worry about; your actual style is pretty good. My only complaint about the content is the out-of-left-field Ominous Cliffhanger at the end. Not that it's bad in and of itself, I just thought that it wasn't set up very well.
Slowly, she made her way to her father, each step less unstable than the last, until she was face to face with Inferno.
Less unstable
^ double negative, consider revising, but you don't have to.
I enjoyed it. Very descriptive, but you did not let the description make the story itself lag.
And dat ending. Dun Dun Duuun
Brace yourselves everyone, this is gonna be a long fic.
-Skull025
561280 I'll be looking forward to it.
if you have the chance can you ask why i was banned from the chat.
Thoughts on Chapter 1 Update (by author request)
Okay, Round 2! Let's see what kind of awesome Skull was able to write with my step-by-step guide to . . .
*sees that only 1 out of 60+ suggestions was acted upon*
*takes off hipster glasses*
Okay then. If I do this by myself, I'm just going to end up venting my spleen. I have consulted a professional (and pegasister) to give this a once-over. I respectfully limit my thoughts to this:
This new ending is worse than the first. Because pointless squirrel. And because you essentially took several paragraphs to accomplish the same thing that was done in two sentences before. This ending has the same problem, but it's worse now because its longer and makes the original issue more noticeable.
Here's her advice:
Lots of grammar mistakes. Takes away from the story - you can't follow the story and enjoy it because of so many mistakes. Do your research - lots of stuff you write does not make any sense. I realize this is a magical place, but even magic has boundaries and rules. Your story goes nowhere - what's the point? There is no tension, no give and take, no real cliff hanger - what has the crystal in a cave have to do with a foal birth? You've got to make connections, even just little hints. Don't give up, keep trying, keep editing, rewriting and most of all thinking about where you want to lead the readers. Good luck!