The Canvas of Fading Blossom

by Skull025

A Promise Made

Neighsville, Equestria
Year of the 983rd Summer Sun Celebration
8:23 AM

Inferno Blaze was pacing across the linoleum, his hooves clacking in a frantic beat as he walked to and fro from wall to wall. The room he paced so anxiously in had a clean white floor and even whiter walls. In the center of the room was a light green table with the latest magazines discussing Equestrian policy and the upcoming Summer Sun Celebration, to be held this year in Canterlot.

His gaze constantly shifted from his hooves to the double doors across the room, his eyes ever so often passing over the nearby clock. It’s second hand seemed to mock him every time he observed it’s passage over the clock face, the ticking marking the passage of time in the slowest possible way. Inferno continued to pace, stamping his hooves harder into the floor.

When will they be done?

Most pegasi, when stressed, preferred flying to pacing. They preferred the air under their wings and the wind tickling their snouts. The ground, far below, was always where a pegasus’ troubles lay. Many sought to escape the infernal ground, and so turned to their beloved blue companion up high. The fresh, untainted air and serene solitude the sky offered drove many a feathered pony to just leap up and escape their concerns. At least for a while, until fatigue drove them to land, and consequently deal with whatever barrel of apples they’d left to rot in their absence. But during that time in the sky, they could dance through the soft, billowing clouds or soar amongst the stars, the endless universe just out of reach.

Inferno was not that sort of pegasus. He preferred his hooves on the earth, where the air smelled of morning dew and the grass was softer than any cloud he’d ever napped on. He cared not for the animals and the scurrying critters. The thing he cherished most about the ground was the brown dirt, and the green grass and the grey, tough rocks. To him, the sky was boring. It was too blue, too white, too. . . Unaffected. Even the harshest of rain storms rarely reached the height of Cloudsdale, where the weather was nearly always pristine. And even when the storms did, the sweet smell of freshly fallen rain was never present. It was just water, and it always seeped through the clouds and back to the ground, carrying that sweet refreshing smell with it.

It was the same earth Rain fell in love with, just as he fell for her.

Inferno looked at the double doors again, his gaze trying to pierce through and see the other side, hoping to sense how his wife was doing. How his child was doing. The doctors said he couldn’t be present. He couldn’t exactly remember why, but it involved something about losing an abnormal amount of blood, and that was enough to worry about. They needed the nurse and doctor completely undisturbed to make sure the birth went smoothly, and a distressed husband wouldn’t help matters much. It had already been 14 long hours, and Inferno had hardly any sleep, though the hospital staff made sure he had a daisy and honey sandwich.

A pony in white garb pushed through the double doors. Inferno recognized her as the nurse who told him to stay put in the lobby while the doctor tended to Rain Twister. She started towards him, and Inferno rushed to meet her.
“Mr. Infer-” she was abruptly cut off as Inferno grabbed the nurse by the shoulders.
“Is she okay? Is Rain okay? Is the baby safe? Oh Celestia please tell me they’re al-” His mouth suddenly found it difficult to form words. The culprit responsible for his silence was the nurse’s hoof jammed into his mouth.

“Mr. Inferno, cease your rambling!” She glared at him for a few moments until she was certain he’d calmed down. Slowly, she removed her hoof. “As I was saying, Mr. Inferno, your wife and foal are fine. The doctors were able to fix the broken veins before she bled out. She needs to remain in the hospital for a few more days while we monitor her condition for any changes and bring her blood level back up. Otherwise, she’s got a clean bill of health.”

With every word relief washed over Inferno like a soft breeze, leaving the exhaustion he’d buried for the last fourteen hours in it’s wake. “May I see her?” He asked, the fatigue plain in his voice.

“Yes. And I’d hurry if I were you. Foal’s don’t take too long to walk. You might miss it entirely if you don’t run!” The nurse turned and pointed towards the double doors. “Down the hall, eighth door on your left.”

“Thank you miss.” Despite his weariness, he dashed through the doors and down the hall. He passed a pony wheeling away a cart of bloodied hay. That only urged Inferno to move faster. He pushed through the the door to Rain’s room open, and stopped cold at the sight before him.

The walls of the room were a deep, brown, polished mahogany. The floor was covered in thin strands of golden hay piled in large, comfy stacks. In the center of the room was a mare with a deep blue coat, her light gray mane in a mess around her, an IV supplying her with much needed blood. Her golden eyes had turned to the door as Inferno entered, a small, weak smile gracing her lips, amusement flickering in her eyes as he took in the sight before him.

Before him was a foal, no bigger than his head, laying on her back. Her mane was the same golden-yellow as the hay that was stuck in it, streaked with a vibrant orange and just as messy as her mother’s. Her coat was a light blue-gray, reminiscent of her mother’s own mane. Her tiny wings were tucked against her body, small and fragile looking. Her mouth was slightly open and drooling a little, some of the saliva coming close to touching her cute round little nose. And she was staring at him with big, blue eyes, filled with curiosity and wonder.

Inferno was dumbstruck, his heart warm and his head reeling. He saw this little filly grow from a promise made between himself and Rain, when she was just a bump on Rain's belly. Now she is a promise kept, a young, playful foal, here in this world to stay. She was something that had to be nurtured, loved and protected until the day Inferno died. She was delicate now, but will one day be strong. Still, that day was far in the future, and now he must tend to their beautiful foal.

“My little blossom.” He whispered.

“She’s yet to walk,” Rain said softly. Inferno’s looked at Rain Twister, a concerned look accompanying the gaze.

“But she should’ve walked by now. Is she okay?” Inferno asked, anxiety temporarily taking hold again. Rain giggled.

“She’s fine dear. I think she was just waiting for you.” She nodded her head towards the foal, who had indeed rolled onto her belly and was now attempting to lift her tiny frame with her short, stubby legs. Inferno watched as she slowly lifted herself up, her knees shaking violently, her wings rustling with the strain. Her legs fully extended and the shaking stopped as she grew used to the weight of her own body. When she was stable, she lifted one hoof to take the first tentative step of her life.

And immediately fell flat on her face.

Inferno started forward to help, but Rain Twister motioned for him to stay put. The filly sat back on her rump, rubbing her achy nose. With a determined look, she wobbled herself back to a standing position, ready to attempt the rather difficult task of placing one hoof in front of the other. Shakily, she lifted her hoof into the air and took her first step towards her father.

“She’s walking.” Inferno Blaze breathed, keeping his voice low so to not destroy the moment. The filly took another step, more confident than before. Slowly, she made her way to her father, each step less unstable than the last, until she was face to face with Inferno. Her dark blue eyes stared deeply into his dark magenta ones. She stretched up, her face very close to his, not breaking eye contact. Inferno felt as if those eyes were sizing him up, trying to understand what kind of pony he was.

Before he could react, she leaned in and licked his cheek, then jumped forward and wrapped her tiny legs around his stocky front leg in a soft, but firm, embrace. In that moment, Inferno Blaze loved nothing in the world more than this tiny foal contentedly hugging his shin. A huge smile broke across his face, and he looked at Rain Twister, her face sparkling with amusement.

“I think she likes me” Inferno said quietly. Rain rolled her eyes.

“I hadn’t guessed.”

“What should we name her?” Inferno asked, oblivious to his wife’s sarcasm. Rain Twister cocked her head to the side, a thoughtful look on her face.

“I think you already did.” Rain said. Inferno was confused for a moment as he thought back. Then it hit him.

“Blossom?” He asked.

“Yeah! That’s a beautiful name.” Rain said with quiet conviction.

“It is, but. . . I think it’s missing something.” Inferno nuzzled his foal’s head while he thought. Rain sat there playing with a piece of hay, thinking of possible names.

“What about Fading Blossom?” Rain suggested after a while.

“You mean after your grandmother? Fading Star?” Inferno asked.

“Absolutely!” Rain Twister said ecstatically. Inferno Blaze looked at the little grey pegasus latched onto his leg. Her coat was that of a grey faded blue, and her mane resembled orange blossoms soaked in sunlight. He thought for a moment longer before nodding his head.

“Fading Blossom it is.” Inferno trotted towards Rain, careful to not jostle the small bundle gripping his leg. He leaned down and nuzzled his wife. Recognizing her mother, Fading Blossom awkwardly pounced off her father’s leg and nestled next to Rain’s side. She didn’t fall asleep though. Her eyes still observed her mother and father’s every movement. Both watched her as her eyes darted between the fiery red father and ocean blue mother. Inferno leaned towards his wife again and kissed her forehead before rustling his wings and settling down to watch their little foal.

Their Fading Blossom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week later, Rain Twister and Inferno Blaze were sleeping comfortably in their little cottage on the far side of Neighsville, the newest addition to their household just down the hall from their room, supposedly asleep in bed. But the filly in question was not snuggled tightly in her warm blankets, dreaming of the days to come.

Unable to sleep, she had gone outside to lay in the grass, her wings splayed out to either side and her inquisitive eyes observing the stars above her. She gazed at the expansive sky, jumping from one star to another, taking it’s shine and color before moving on to the next. She did this for a good while before finally resting her eyes on the moon.

Fading Blossom, though unable to express it, thought the moon was the single most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. It’s size commanded respect and it’s soft light inspired awe. It was comforting and gentle, serene, and had a fascinating arrangement of craters that looked like a familiar shape she couldn’t quite put her hoof on. She wish she could touch it, but her fragile wings wouldn't be ready to carry her weight for some time.

She yawned, exhaustion flooding her brain. She rolled over and made her way towards her house, quietly shutting the door to the night.

~~~~~

Everfree Forest, Equestria
Year of the 988th Summer Sunset Celebration
3:42 AM

Deep in the Everfree Forest, a squirrel laying on a soft sandy floor, gasping for breath. A manticore accidentally smashed it's old tree home only just moments before. The rodent escaped the mighty beast by fleeing into a small cave nearby. After catching it's breath, it started off deeper into the cave, not wanting to leave until the manticore was well and truly gone.

After only a few minutes, the squirrel saw a faint purple glow reflecting off the dark stone of the cave wall. Curious, the squirrel walked towards it. The squirrel turned a single bend and came upon the most beautiful crystal it ever laid it's beady eyes on.

The crystal was large, about twenty-seven squirrels tall and fifteen squirrels wide. It stood embedded in the sandy ground, the purple light emanating deep within the crystal.

This was all the squirrel noticed. What it didn't notice was the cave walls, impossibly smooth, the room a perfect half circle. It didn't notice the scratches in a broken stone tablet, nor the skeleton of a pony long passed, or ghostly purple eyes watching the critter's every move from the darkness.

The squirrel was mesmerized by the crystal's beauty. Slowly, without really meaning to, the squirrel began to walk towards the crystal. It's feet brought it close to the crystal, the squirrel's face reflecting off the multiple facets of the great purple stone. The small creature brought up one hand and laid it gently on the surface. Despite the cool air of the cavern, the surface of the crystal felt warm.

CRACK

An imperfection suddenly appeared in the crystal as the squirrel touched it. The once perfect surface was destroyed by an ugly crack running down the center of the crystal. The squirrel's fear overwhelmed it's curiosity, and it bolted as more cracks creeped onto the stone's surface. It soon was riddled with imperfections, and then. . .

It shattered. In the rubble of the crystal stood a creature with brightly glowing purple eyes. The creature stood on four legs, pony-like in appearance, yet it's skin was smooth and reptillian. It stood for a moment before it's knees buckled, the creature collapsing in a heap. Before exhaustion took the creature, it moaned a single word.

"Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed." And with that haunting groan, it shut it's eyes to the world and fell into a deep slumber.

~~~~~

AN: Whoo, changed first chapter. Man it had a stupid cliffhanger to begin with. Yes, I'm almost done with chapter two. It's a bit longer than this one, but will be worth the wait. To clarify any confusion this "creature" may have brought up, I'll say two things about it. One, it doesn't kill. Two, it's still superbly scary. Toodles!

-Skull025

Comments

[Skull025]

Okay, this is my first fic I've ever published. I want good and bad criticism. Praise what I did well, and feel free to point out the stuff I did poorly on. People tell me I'm a good writer. I think I'm an okay writer and I'd like to get better. I've got big plans for this fic.
-Skull025

[Kirby]

i dont know waht to say but ill defenitaly be looking foeqward to other chapters

[lmrm7]

I thought it was quite good, though you may want to go back through again for grammatical and terminological errors "Addition" in place of "Edition" for example. Otherwise everything seems to be in order and I hope you continue work on this. Best of luck to you!

[GBGamer]

I am liking it so far. Not really anything to criticize yet, not a lot going on, but I'll favorite this story. Thanks for writing.

[Skull025]

521767
What'd you think of word choice? Grammar? Was the bit about pegasi escaping their troubles and flying vs Inferno Blaze's love of the land unecessary?
521752
If you kindly point out the context of that error I'll be sure to change it, for I have no clue what you're talking about.

[lmrm7]

521824

The first paragraph of the family in the house, after naming their daughter, you called her an edition to the home instead of addition

Also, I know you asked GB this but I feel like answering, as to the part about Inferno Blaze's love of the land, I think you would do well to leave that in, it was well written and gives me more of a feeling for the character, otherwise I could care less, this way I know something about him. Is that theme going to be brought back later?

[Skull025]

521893
Of course. It is essential to the setting. Sorry for the error, correcting now.

[Monochromation]

521749
I'm sorry about letting my grammar nazi escape, but...

I

Don't

What

I'll

Definitely

Forward

And add a period at the end.

[lmrm7]

521920
Thank you for doing that so that I didn't have to.
Grammar Nazis unite!

[GBGamer]

I liked the word choice, very descriptive. I'm not much of a grammar nazi. Sorry if I'm unhelpful, not really good at giving out suggestions! I did like the thing about pegasi escaping their troubles. It makes sense. And I agree with imrm7, it does add a bit to his character. Now write more so I can read more!

[AkibaWhite]

Paragraph 1
-The lead sentence is in passive voice. Easily corrected by removing the "was" and changing "pacing" to "paced".
-"Inferno Blaze"? Are pony names ever repetitious like this? Try and think of a pony w/ two names where the two names mean the same thing.
-Sentence 2 calls the floor white for the second time. Unnecessary.
-The details in this paragraph read like a checklist. I'm not sure that the info in Sentence 3 really helps in any way.

Paragraph 2
-"ever so often" should be "every so often". Even so, it comes off as awkward-sounding when read aloud.
-"harder into the floor" should probably be "harder on the polished linoleum" or something to that effect; he's not breaking the floor, is he?

Paragraph 3
-I would have led the story with a line like this. The pacing thing is kind of cliche for a lead sentence.

Paragraph 4
-"The ground, far below, was always where a pegasus’ troubles lay." > This is an opinion and should be given by a character, if at all. Also "pegasus'" should be "pegasus's".
-"drove many a feathered pony to just leap up and escape their concerns" > I get what you're trying to establish here, but try to do it w/o generalizations.
-"At least for a while, until fatigue drove them to land, and consequently deal with whatever barrel of apples they’d left to rot in their absence." > The first half of this line is redundant; no one would think that a pegasus could fly forever. The second half doesn't make a terrible amount of sense. Are the majority of a pegasus pony's responsibilities on the ground? Also, apples? Are there pegasus farmers? They seemed to suck at it in "Hearth's Warming Eve".
-"the soft, billowing clouds" > unnecessary comma

Paragraph 5
-"the animals and the scurrying critters" > "and" should be "or", but this is repetitive anyway; "scurrying critters" are "animals" too.
-"The thing he cherished most about the ground was the brown dirt, and the green grass and the grey, tough rocks." > "The things that he cherished most about the ground were the brown dirt, the green grass, and the tough gray rocks." grammar issues
-"It was too blue, too white, too. . . Unaffected." > "Unaffected" should not be capitalized. Also, this sentence makes it seem like Blaze's problem w/ the sky is somewhat superficial (in other words, don't comment on the color twice).
-"Even the harshest of rain storms rarely reached the height of Cloudsdale, where the weather was nearly always pristine. And even when the storms did, the sweet smell of freshly fallen rain was never present. It was just water, and it always seeped through the clouds and back to the ground, carrying that sweet refreshing smell with it." - This is repetitious and could easily be shortened down to two sentences. The first sentence says the same thing twice in two different ways (if storms are rare, then pristine weather is common). The third sentence begins by stating the obvious.

Paragraph 6
-"It was the same earth Rain fell in love with," > "same earth that Rain fell"; you make this mistake often - I won't point it out from here on.
-"like a pair of rain drops exiting a cloud to meet the wet grass below" > I'm sure it was unintentional, but this simile sounds kinda gross due to some unfortunate word choice. Try reading it aloud and you'll see what I mean. I get what you're trying to say just . . . find another way to say it.

Paragraph 7
-"his gaze trying to pierce through and see the other side" > "trying in vain to pierce through them with the intensity of his gaze"; his "gaze" didn't perform the action here.
-"wife was doing. How his child was doing" > You could replace the period with a dash; these aren't two separate sentences.
-"The doctors said he couldn’t be present. He couldn’t exactly remember why" > Watch out for word repetition (couldn't x2). Also "said that he couldn't".
-"had hardly any sleep" > "had hardly gotten any sleep" missing verb
-"though the hospital staff made sure he had a daisy and honey sandwich" > We don't need to know what he ate; this actually kills the mood a bit. Also, wouldn't it just add to the tension if he couldn't hold down any food? Why mention that he's been fed at all?

Paragraph 9
-“Mr. Infer-” she was abruptly cut off as Inferno grabbed the nurse by the shoulders. > Take the action here and assign it to the beginning of the next paragraph. Also, correct the passive voice. "Inferno grabbed the nurse roughly by her shoulders, cutting off her greeting in mid-sentence. "Is she okay?" he exclaimed. "Is Rain okay?"" Try to keep actions relegated to the subject of the paragraph.

Paragraph 10
-"He looked down and saw" > I'm pretty sure that he'd feel this first. This broke my suspension of disbelief for a moment. Not worth the tepid humor; the nurse's action is amusing in its own right.

Paragraph 11
-"to fix the broken veins before she bled out" > "to stop the bleeding" The way that this is worded sounds like car repair. Also, the nurse wouldn't unnecessarily mention the worst possible outcome, especially if it had been narrowly avoided.
-"bring her blood level to a stable state" > "restore all the blood she lost" Blood doesn't have "stable" or "unstable" states. It can be lost, or infected, but not "unstable".

Paragraph 12
-"hours in it’s wake" > "it's" should be "its"
-"her?” He asked, the fatigue plain in his voice" > Don't capitalize "He".

Paragraph 13
-The first period should be a comma. Also, it seems inconsistent for the nurse to tell Blaze to calm down and then ask him to rush.

Paragraph 14
-There should be a comma after "Thank you".
"He pushed through the the door to Rain’s room open" > I don't think I should have to point out the two problems w/ this line.

Paragraph 15
-"The walls of the room were a deep, brown, polished mahogany." > Too much detail crammed together. Use fewer words or make the composition and color two separate sentence fragments.
-"with much needed blood" > Put a hyphen between "much" and "needed".
-"Her golden eyes had turned to the door as Inferno entered, a small, weak smile gracing her lips, amusement flickering in her eyes as he took in the sight before him." > This is a run-on sentence w/ two subjects; break it up into two sentences.

Paragraph 16
-You've used the word "was" in every single sentence for a while now. Aside from passive voice concerns, you need to vary your wording and sentence structure more lest your descriptions read like checklists.
-"cute round little nose" > either put a comma after "cute" or use one fewer adjective
-"And she was staring at him with big, blue eyes, filled with curiosity and wonder." Unnecessary comma after "big", plus the fact that this is a sentence fragment.

Paragraph 17
-"He saw this little filly grow from a promise" > "He'd seen this little" tense confusion, but nice way of avoiding adult subject matter.
-"when she was just a" > "from when she'd been just a" further tense confusion
-"Now she is a promise kept," > "is" should be "was" - more tense confusion / The comma should also be a semi-colon.
-"She was something that had to be nurtured, loved and protected until the day Inferno died." > This objectifies Blossom and makes her sound like a dire responsibility. Try instead, "Inferno knew right then and there that he would love, nurture, and protect this little miracle until the day he died."
-"She was delicate now, but will one day be strong. Still, that day was far in the future, and now he must tend to their beautiful foal." > This is just repetitive. Move on so as not to ruin the moment.

Paragraph 18
-"He whispered." > Don't capitalize dialogue tags. I won't be mentioning this one again.

Paragraph 19
-"Inferno’s looked at Rain Twister, a concerned look accompanying the gaze." > Why is there a possessive on Inferno's name? Also, you used "looked", "look", and "gaze" in a single sentence. Isn't there another way to say this?

Paragraph 20
-"Rain giggled." > Move to the next paragraph where Rain is speaking.

Paragraph 21
-"She’s fine dear" > Needs a comma after "fine". Always put a comma before any character addresses another character in dialogue.

Paragraph 22
-"And immediately fell flat on her face." > Technically a fragment, but it scores enough style points that I'll let it pass.

Paragraph 24
-"She’s walking." > The period should be a comma since it leads into a dialogue tag.
-"low so to not destroy" > "low so as not to destroy" - grammar error
-"Slowly, she made her way to her father," > "She slowly made her way to her father" - Cut down on the number of pauses when you can.
-"Soon, she’d made her way to Inferno Blaze," > You just used this expression one sentence ago. Beware repetition.
-"her dark blue eyes staring deeply into his dark magenta ones" > more repetition - You could just replace "dark magenta ones" w/ "own".
-"stretched up" > "stretched upward" - grammar error

Paragraph 25
-"then jumped forward and wrapped her tiny legs around his stocky front leg in a soft, but firm, embrace." > This seems a bit much for a newborn who'd been having trouble walking just moments before.

Paragraph 26
-"Rain rolled her eyes." > Move this to the next paragraph.

Paragraph 28
-"Rain Twister cocked her head to the side, a thoughtful look on her face." > Move this to the next paragraph.

Paragraph 29
-"Inferno was confused for a moment as he thought back. Then it hit him." > Move this to the next paragraph.

Paragraph 31
-“Yeah! That’s a beautiful name.” Rain said with quiet conviction. > "Yeah" should be "Yes" to keep the tone consistent.

Paragraph 35
-“Absolutely!” Rain Twister said ecstatically. > Remember that blood loss makes you weak, if it even leaves you conscious at all. This sentence should also be its own paragraph - everything after this has to do w/ Blaze.

Paragraph 38
-"dreaming of the days to come." > Don't elaborate after telling us that this assumption is untrue.

Paragraph 39
-"inquisitive eyes observing the" > Put an "and" after "eyes".
-"expansive sky, jumping from" > "expansive sky, her focus jumping from" - missing subject
-"taking it’s shine and color before" > "taking in the shine and color of each before" - general number confusion

Paragraph 40
-"It was comforting and gentle, serene, and had a fascinating arrangement of craters that looked like a familiar shape she couldn’t quite put her hoof on." > Run-on sentence
-"But the moon went farther than that for her." > Sentence fragment; you know what to do. Don't begin sentences w/ "and" or "but" outside of dialogue.
-"It gave her a personal comfort afforded to few others." > "comfort that it afforded to few others."

Paragraph 41
-This sentence seems unnecessary, especially since her mother is still alive.

Paragraph 43
-"made it’s way" > "made its way" - Remember, "it's" is a contraction for "it is"; "its" indicates possession.

In the future, make use of www.grammarcheck.net. It found most of these issues and is an excellent free proofreading device.
Aside from what's stated above, I actually enjoyed reading this. I can't even remember any SDT moments, which is pretty amazing in its own right. I'd say that you only have technical problems to worry about; your actual style is pretty good. My only complaint about the content is the out-of-left-field Ominous Cliffhanger at the end. Not that it's bad in and of itself, I just thought that it wasn't set up very well.

[rasta-gringo]

Slowly, she made her way to her father, each step less unstable than the last, until she was face to face with Inferno.

Less unstable

^ double negative, consider revising, but you don't have to.

I enjoyed it. Very descriptive, but you did not let the description make the story itself lag.

And dat ending. Dun Dun Duuun

[Skull025]

Brace yourselves everyone, this is gonna be a long fic.
-Skull025

[Comet]

561280 I'll be looking forward to it. if you have the chance can you ask why i was banned from the chat.

[AkibaWhite]

Thoughts on Chapter 1 Update (by author request)
Okay, Round 2! Let's see what kind of awesome Skull was able to write with my step-by-step guide to . . .
*sees that only 1 out of 60+ suggestions was acted upon*
*takes off hipster glasses*

Okay then. If I do this by myself, I'm just going to end up venting my spleen. I have consulted a professional (and pegasister) to give this a once-over. I respectfully limit my thoughts to this:

This new ending is worse than the first. Because pointless squirrel. And because you essentially took several paragraphs to accomplish the same thing that was done in two sentences before. This ending has the same problem, but it's worse now because its longer and makes the original issue more noticeable.

Here's her advice:
Lots of grammar mistakes. Takes away from the story - you can't follow the story and enjoy it because of so many mistakes. Do your research - lots of stuff you write does not make any sense. I realize this is a magical place, but even magic has boundaries and rules. Your story goes nowhere - what's the point? There is no tension, no give and take, no real cliff hanger - what has the crystal in a cave have to do with a foal birth? You've got to make connections, even just little hints. Don't give up, keep trying, keep editing, rewriting and most of all thinking about where you want to lead the readers. Good luck!