Fallout Equestria: A Zebra's stories

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Slashwing

Slashwing #1 · Oct 16th, 2014 · · · Ch.1 Life as a raider ·

Just a note I believe a pony zebra hybrid is known as a zoni

ShootingStar213

ShootingStar213 #2 · Oct 16th, 2014 · · 1 · Ch.1 Life as a raider ·

5146697
thank you, I truly had no idea what it was called, too bad I cant change it now though.

Tetragrammaton

Tetragrammaton #3 · Oct 16th, 2014 · · · Ch.1 Life as a raider ·

5146749
You can still change things. Use the "edit" button in your chapters and you can edit stuff freely.

Personally I would recommend to spell your chapters name in full.
Chapter 1: Life as a Raider
Capitalization in titles is also weird, but it looks good to capitalize nouns.
And the story's name should be something like:
"Fallout Equestria: A Zebra's Story"
or
"Fallout Equestria: Zebra Stories"
Capitalization is important and as long as the surprise MC's name isn't "Zebra", you'll need an article to make things sound good. (You can change that with the edit-button on your overall story screen)

First:
break down your huge paragraphs.
Big paragraphs (around 5-7 lines) look good, but above that it becomes really clunky. And clunky isn't fun to read.

"I will be able to see it through the survey bots flying around."

Why are raiders able to hack spritebots? I imagine that would need a lot of skill and - hardware to do. One maybe, like ED-E, but any?

pit buck

That should be Pip Buck or PIpBuck or Pipbuck.

I knew all of them, assholes the lot of them, but they were good men

?
So they're all assholes, but good assholes?

There's sometimes random capitalization and a lot of your - you're issues that need fixing

I have to say, you're wide open to attacks coming from people calling Alra a Mary Sue.

I touched one of the dead trees with my hoof, my irises filled my whole eyes, they were blacker then the clouds in the sky. I could see how the area was before it got hit by those magic bombs.

and then this:

It will regenerate your body, no matter what happens, even if you were to die, you will just revive." Wait, what!!!! I was so confused, was she saying, I was immortal?

and

"Surly you are aware that someone immortal can never have a family with anyone other than another immortal."

why?

So he's an immortal zebra-pony hybrid with magic powers that let him see through time. And there're apparently plenty more immortal zebras in the wasteland, why did nopony ever notice?

Despite what I have said might sound like, the immortal-zebra-pony thing isn't that bad. Although immortal main-main characters are always really difficult to do right. At least this one has a weakness, so he's not really immortal.

It's not too badly written, although you're kind of edgy with your whole "I want to rape this bitch" thing. I'll have to see how this story progresses before I can say more. Continue writing, you'll get better by doing that.

Slashwing

Slashwing #4 · Oct 16th, 2014 · · · Ch.1 Life as a raider ·

5148064

I put the "pit buck" stuff down to the MC being a raider if I remember a few characters over the fallout games have called it a "pit boy" when they didint come from a vault thought it was a nice touch personally

ShootingStar213

ShootingStar213 #5 · Oct 17th, 2014 · 1 · · Ch.1 Life as a raider ·

5148064
You know, out of all the criticism I could get, I can actually respect yours. Mostly people just say it sucks without a true reason, I can't get better with that. So thank you. Even if it hurt, it was much less so.

Thunderbrd