A pegasus from Canterlot named Shadow Star crashes just outside Ponyville, injuring his wing for three weeks. During his forced stay, he learns what it is like to have friends, and more importantly, to have fun! However, he must come to terms with a disaster that happened very recently - his most recent mission as a high-ranking royal guard.
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This chapter was a request from MLPProblems on Twitter. If anypony else has a request, message me here or on my Twitter, @mlp_shadostar
(no, that is not a typo - there is NO 'w' in there)
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy!
Two things.
First of all, get rid of that little blurb at the start, it's totally superfluous and adds nothing to the story. The beginning is cliche as fuck. There's no reason to describe your... I mean your OC's color scheme. There's no way a pony inside a building could see a glint from his eye in the middle of a storm cloud with lightning flashing all around unless his eye was like a very powerful flashlight. And you're using 3rd person which clashes horribly with the rest of the 1st person narrative. Easiest fix is to get rid of it completely.
The rest of it suffers form floating head syndrome as all you have is dialogue with no descriptions or even names of who is speaking. I know there's only two characters but you need to provide us with something. When you talk, what do you do? Do you just stand there and talk, or do you do other things at the same time? Do you lean, slouch, walk, look around, pick up things, dance etc? If so, add these things to your story because right now it's empty.
Also based on the General Zoi's pony creator image, your OC is going to be edgy as hell. I suggest you tone him down a bit.
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My reaction:
media.tumblr.com/fe68cb1d4b684800b13f0ab22c6d0811/tumblr_inline_mot73fJ7qh1qz4rgp.gif
Author of this fic hasn't been on the site for 87 weeks now. Any comments made towards him or the story really have no purpose.
4299909
That's the problem with the " new " buttons design, it's easy to hit the " last page " and fall into the shitty stories hell with almost every dead authors on the site.