Shadow Star
Chapter 1 - The Crash
It was a dark and stormy night. A pegasus - dark purple coat, black mane and tail with streaks of red, blue muzzle and hooves - flew very quickly through the storm, dodging lightning bolts with ease. A pony inside a building saw a small glint - the pegasus’ golden eyes. As the pegasus dodged one lightning bolt, another flashed and struck the middle of his wing, causing him to spiral out of control. He slammed into the ground and blacked out.
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I woke up in a dark room. For a moment, I thought it was all just a dream. After all, I do have a rather vivid imagination. Then I realized that the smell was very different - instead of the mixture of vanilla and cinnamon of my home, it was the smell of lavender. As I was wondering were I was, a door opened and a light flicked on, nearly blinding me. I blinked to get the tears out of my eyes and noticed somepony else standing there.
“Where...am...I?” I asked, weaker than I expected. My vision cleared, and I saw that the pony was white, with blue eyes and a pink mane.
“Who...are...you?” I managed to say.
“My name is Nurse Redheart,” the pony said. “You are in a hospital. How are you feeling?”
“A hospital? What... happened?”
“You were found unconscious outside during the storm. Do you remember anything?”
“Storm? Oh... I guess ... I was hit... by a lightning bolt...” I said, my strength beginning to return.
“Yes,” the nurse said, “the lightning bolt hit the middle of your wing.”
“MY WING!” I yelled out. “Is my wing going to be all right?”
“Yes,” she said. “Your wing will heal, so long as you do not fly for three weeks.”
“Three weeks? Three whole weeks without flying at all?”
“Absolutely no flying. If you fly during the healing process, you could permanently cripple your wing,” she said sympathetically.
“All right. Three weeks is better than never flying again.”
“Thank you. Now you need rest. Good night.”
“Good night, Nurse Redheart.”
“One more thing. I need to enter your name in the patient list.”
“All right,” I said. “My name is Shadow Star.”
“Get some sleep, Shadow Star.”
“I will,” I said.
With that, she walked out. I fell asleep almost instantly.
Two things.
First of all, get rid of that little blurb at the start, it's totally superfluous and adds nothing to the story. The beginning is cliche as fuck. There's no reason to describe your... I mean your OC's color scheme. There's no way a pony inside a building could see a glint from his eye in the middle of a storm cloud with lightning flashing all around unless his eye was like a very powerful flashlight. And you're using 3rd person which clashes horribly with the rest of the 1st person narrative. Easiest fix is to get rid of it completely.
The rest of it suffers form floating head syndrome as all you have is dialogue with no descriptions or even names of who is speaking. I know there's only two characters but you need to provide us with something. When you talk, what do you do? Do you just stand there and talk, or do you do other things at the same time? Do you lean, slouch, walk, look around, pick up things, dance etc? If so, add these things to your story because right now it's empty.
Also based on the General Zoi's pony creator image, your OC is going to be edgy as hell. I suggest you tone him down a bit.