EquestrianKirin
Joined 7th Oct, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Jet_Black1980 · 78k words · 643 19 · 7.8k views
- DreamWings · 45k words · 273 8 · 4.2k views
- Rust · 91k words · 251 14 · 7.5k views
- Church · 1.2k words · 57 2 · 1k views
- Mister E-Nonymous · 27k words · 297 36 · 15k views
- TheBigBob · 31k words · 450 5 · 5.9k views
- Kasper COEI · 9.4k words · 40 1 · 1.8k views
- lunabrony · 1.8k words · 29 0 · 802 views
Featured In1
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.069 seconds
Total duration
988 users online
39,269 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
its not bad... just not fantastic either. keep at it, I'm sure you will get better.
Is it possible to make this a series? Maybe his past then maybe bring him back? Message me and tell me if you like the idea
It's quite repetitive, and honestly, it bored me stiff. I get that it's based on depression, and I've suffered from it myself, but damn, this story makes it sound so boring. The pacing... a large portion of the story could essentially be summed up as a walking/weather simulator, as opposed to an actual narrative.
I mean, I get what you're trying to do here, but there's only so much repetition of the same fucking information that a reader can take before they start asking '... and are you going anywhere with all this navel gazing?' As it turns out, he was going in an entirely predictable direction, before apparently getting bored with doing the standard 'meet the main characters' sequence partway through, and instead laying down to die. I was actually quite happy about that, because it meant the 'story' was over.
You have to invest the reader in your OC before they begin to care about the OC's problems. I mean, for a moment I entertained the idea that this guy was some sort of undead creature that had been worn away by the passage of thousands of years, hence the robe and insanity, but for the most part he just comes across as completely braindead, so that idea is a little too cool for him, methinks. And that was basically the only time I found myself at all interested in the guy. It's not so much a story, as it is a bunch of unrelated stuff held together with overblown and thoroughly repetitive angst. Kill it with fire.
Edit: I noticed something. He's really boring because he has absolutely no agency. He has to be poked with an authorial cattleprod, or have his amazing remote control hooves suddenly play up in order to actually do anything whatsoever. He is literally less interesting than watching a boat with only half its oars. At least that's going somewhere, if only in circles. Individuals with less effect on their environment than the average cardboard box do not effective protagonists make. That, and you use his idea of fate as an out-of-universe excuse to have him randomly meet people we know to be important, for no adequately explained reason. It's exceedingly cheap, and very obvious when you do it, so don't do that crap. He doesn't really change, either, or adequately explain his existence in any way. So he basically exists, whines a lot, and dies without having any impact on anything of import. We learn nothing about him in that timespan, and I feel like I wasted precious time reading this story.
It needs a bit of work. It was very boring, no parts that were really exciting, like they should be.
5157567 I'll try to get better. My first try at it ^^;
5156901 I'll think about it.
5159001
Fair enough. I mean, it wasn't a bad idea, you just need to execute it better. Happens a lot, with first fics, where you have a good concept but no idea how to realise it. Just keep practising, and read a lot of stuff, and eventually it starts to sink in. There are plenty of guides to storytelling on the 'net, though, if you need pointers, and Fimfiction's own WandererD has written some pretty good ones
5163830 good tips, thanks ^^
What he said.