Chapter 1
„An ordinary day“ Twilight thought when she got up. The sun has once again woken her from her dreams, which, Luna forbid, hopefully nopony would ever know about.
It’s always been the same. Well at least over the past few months, since Discord started visiting her on a regular basis.
It all begun shortly after Winter Wrap Up:
Twilight once again in her All-Team-Coordinator vest was busy directing the various ponies of Ponyville to their respective assignments and overseeing the overall progress when a all to familiar voice, dripping of mischievous glee, appeared behind her.
“Isn’t it beautiful, the ‘natural’ way things are” Discord asked.
“What do you want, Discord?” Equestria’s newest ponyprincess asked in unmasked annoyance.
“Well, I’m deeply hurt now.” The notorious unnerving draconequus said in played hurt while imitating Rarity when she let’s herself fall onto her chaise long.
“Is that a way, to speak to a friend?”
“Argh. Yes you’re right, but sneaking up on ponies isn't nice either.” Twilight replied.
“Point taken” the lord of chaos said and positioned himself back into his usual hovering position.
“So?” Twilight asked. “What did you came here for? You surely had more in mind, than just annoying me.”
“Oh, did I? Maybe I really just wanted to play with you, just to leave you puzzled and annoyed when I suddenly leave.”
“No. You absolutely didn’t.” the Alicorn replied without a second of hesitation, which brought her a quizzical look from the lord of chaos.
“How can you be so sure?” the draconequus asked.
Surprisingly his voice bare of the usual mockingly tone. The question, as surprising as it was, was a sincere one.
“Could it be, that he is actually unsure about himself?” Twilight thought in slight bemusement.
“If you really were here just to bug me, you would have left me with some crazy nonsense and a bewildered face already, wouldn’t you?” she said with a warm smile.
“Wait what?! Am I really..” she started but was soon to be interrupted by Discord who surprisingly un-discordishly agreed.
“I suppose you’re right.” Now Twilight was really surprised. Did he really just agree with her?
“But..” and his mischievous smile returned. “I in fact, do have something I want to talk to you about.”
“Of course, how stupid of me. It couldn’t be that easy, couldn’t it?” Twilight thought.
“And that is?” she said aloud, annoyance creeping back into her voice.
“My, my,” back in his usual singsong he chanted, “why so gloomy? Didn’t you love riddles? Didn’t you love discovering new things?”
“Darn it. He’s right.” Twilight thought and couldn’t stop a smile.
“Yeah, that’s the spirit! So without further ado here’s my riddle, pay attention it’s really hard.” he gestured to everything and everyone around them “Is this natural?”
“Of course! It’s..” she began automatically but Discord once again interrupted her.
“I don’t want an automated answer from that ridiculously large database of yours!” he said while drawing a very heavy looking book from her head.
“Oh now I get it. It's your usual thing. You want to play? Well, then I play!” Twilight thought grinning smugly.
“Well,” she began in her science-y lecturing style “to know if it’s natural or not, you, of course, have to know what is natural anyway.”
“Hah! How do you like that? Now it’s your turn thinking, Discord!”
“Oh very true, very true indeed, dear Twilight.” The draconequus said, stroking his beard like an wise old man.
Twilight couldn’t help but snicker. “This might actually be fun!”
“So what IS natural, anyway, Discord?”
“Haha, this is great! Seems my hopes in you haven’t been too high after all!”
“What?!” “What’s that supposed to mean!”
“Oh, Nothing, nothing.” came the smug remark. “I’m just happy to see, that you play along. Congratulations! You’re not the overly correct, domesticated, stuck up princess Celestia tried to make..” realizing what he just said he suddenly became quiet. “Oh..”
“Okay, okay. What now?! First he’s like he always is and bugs me, then he’s actually fun, making philosophy with me and then all of a sudden he get’s cocky again only to accidentally confess, that he’s happy I’m not Celestia? How the buck am I supposed to react to that?!”
Granted she thought much more than she actually said, which was more or less: “Eehh…right. I am not…wait what? Discord you..”
“Ah, hey Twilight, sorry that Ah’m intteruptin’ ya, but we have a bit of a problem over there.” Applejack suddenly said. “Ehm Twilight? Ya okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, in a minute…oh! Ah hi Applejack, have you been standing there long?”
“Twilight you’re sure you’re ok?”
“Of course I am! I was just talking to..” but Discord was gone. “Ah ponyfeathers..”
Later that day.
After Discords sudden disappearance Twilight sought council from Fluttershy as Discords supposed-to-be best friend.
“I really don’t understand. First he sneaks up on my in his usual annoying way, then he asks a random question and even is surprisingly much fun and then he turns back to being insulting ONLY to accidentally tell me in his twisted way, that he actually likes me, really.
Excuse my cursing, Fluttershy but WHAT THE BUCK is going on in his head?”
Twilight was clearly distraught. “He can’t seriously..NO, no no no no! I won’t even think something like this.”
“Ehh Twilight? You’re feeling well?”
She must have made a pretty funny face, cause when Fluttershy asked it, it already was the second time this day.
Twilight sighed but decided to be honest. “No..not really. I’m confused and angry. Confused, because I can’t make head or tail out of it and angry because he left so suddenly.. No,” she said realizing something. “I’m not angry at him. It’s nothing but normal for him to just vanish. I’m angry at myself for letting myself get into his pace so much in the first place. So much, that I honestly wanted him to come back.”
“My my, he really can be quite a hooffull somedays.", Fluttershy assured with that heart-warming smile of hers. "But you have to trust him, Twilight. He’s a good Draconequus and I’m sure he’s just unsure and frightened. Give him time.”
“Frightened? Unsure? You’re sure, Fluttershy?”
Twilight sighed.
Then, a mischievous grin made it’s way onto her face as an idea came to her.
“I guess you’re right. Oh! I nearly forgot, today is reshelving day. I got to go!”
She said suddenly and stormed out of the door.
"Oh my, I wonder what she's up to.", Fluttershy thought with a knowing smile. "Discord has certainly rubbed of on me."
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Okay, I like the story, I just don't like the ending. I do have some corrections for you if you don't mind though. Here we go:
1.When you press enter for a new paragraph, you should do it twice so it will indent to mark it as a new paragraph or bit of thought or talking.
2.
Really should go directly after (space in between of course) twisted way, to make it one paragraph for it is one speaking part.
3.
It would sound better if you put She said suddenly instead of She suddenly said.
4.
It's a bit confusing with the first paragraph before this seen. I would suggest putting Twilight was clearly distraught on the same line as her speaking part.
That's all I can really find. great job on it though, and I hope I don't sound mean putting this on here but I just thought I'd let you know.
4882567
Not one bit. Thx for the advice it will be applied.
Btw. I'm glad to hear that you liked the general style.
Interesting start. Would like to see more of this. Don't really have anything to add, critique-wise, that 4882567 didn't already point out. Liked how you wrote Discord and Twilight. Good job.
I like the direction you're taking with the Twi/Discord interaction. These concepts could make for an excellent story. Hope to see it soon
. As for advice? Flagstar seemed to have covered most of the points you slipped on. Mostly little things that'll be improved with practice and possibly finding an editor to work with. There are actually some groups you might try that could help you with that: The Writers Group, School for New Writers and Overly Extensive Editors to name a few.
Hope that helps
5300960
Thanks for the advice, but in regard to the story I have to disappoint you. It's just that. Concepts, though I am currently working on one such story, if though just as 'started just for fun to see how far I get with improvising.'-kind of story without any detailed idea for an end.
Again, thanks for the comment and help.
P. S.: You may have just been the reason I might actually continue this one-shot at some point.
5301054
.
Well, that's in the nature of one-shots, is it not? Idle ideas we toy with, throw out to test, and then use later. As was said though, great start so far and I look forward to what you come up with
And this is what I love about the show: the luxury of slice of life. How a story can be about nothing. I love it. There's no nothing to be done nor had; just Discord coming into town and doing his thang. Speaking of which, much better than that story about Discord fapping all over Ponyville. Cannot un-read.
Finally got to read your story. Lot of potential there, I look forward to more.
5428045
Happy to hear you liked it.
What a wonderful slice-of-life moment between Discord and Twilight! There were a few issues with spacing out the dialogue or lines of text, but overall this was a nice read. It's great when you can have a piece that is really about these two characters getting along.
5477545
I can only agree to that.
I'm glad you like it.
5479541 Of course! It was a lovely tale.