• Published 6th Aug 2014
  • 1,911 Views, 31 Comments

Lament of the Weasel - Crazy Chocolate

Albert Arlington escapes the physical and metaphorical incarceration of Alcatraz Prison by enacting his revenge, only to wake up in Tartarus.

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The Plot Gets Going

The remainder of the flight to Canterlot Castle was, to say the least, awkward. None of the guards wanted to talk about anything with each other that they didn't mind Weasel hearing, and he didn't feel like talking either. He didn't know if he had a right to remain silent or if anything he said could and would be used against him in a court of law, or if this place had courts at all.

The guards said this place was ruled by two princesses, who he assumes are also ponies but might not be. For all he knows, they could be two bloodthirsty forty foot wolves who rule the scared to death ponies with an iron fist and eat any convicts that their guards capture. It would seem like Al's luck for that to be the case.

He figured even if this place was a democracy and the rulers were pushovers and were easy on punishments, they still would probably sentence him to the chair. Setting free all of the demons in Tartarus, ever? That's the very definition of hardcore. Then again, the guards were bringing him in alive, so either his new wolf overlords liked their meat fresh, or this place doesn't use the death sentence for anything, ever. He was fairly certain it was the former.

The group finally landed on Canterlot Castle, and all of the males disembarked.

A rather buff grey unicorn stallion with a royal blue mane and eyes came to greet the new arrival.

"Okay, tough guy. Follow me. The council is waiting."

A council? So, I'm going to be put on trial, like a court or something? Good! I was worried my carnivorous overlords idea was true. Things are finally looking up for Arlington! Well, relatively speaking, of course. Technically, I'm still in shit creek, I just have a paddle.

Celestia sent her former pupil Twilight Sparkle a letter detailing the current situation and asking her and her friends to arrive in Canterlot as soon as possible.She normally didn't bother the Crystal Empire on such short notice, but she decided that this was truly an urgent matter since it concerned the entire planet, as well as their way of life and everything they love. She decided to contact Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor and ask them to arrive for the council as well.

The mane six, Shining Armor, and Cadence arrived as fast as they could and the ten leaders met in the recently constructed council room.

The room was designed by Princess Twilight after her and her friends had defeated Tirek and been instated as leaders of Equestria. The room was designed like the graph of a parabola, with the back wall being the directrix, the chairs forming a parabola, and a seal on the floor being the focus. The wall had many stained glass windows and banners detailing the life stories of each of the ten council members. The seal was an image of a crescent moon partially covering a sun with a six pointed star and a crystal heart in the foreground. Each chair was a throne in its own right, the four in the center being the tallest. Each bore the cutie mark of its owner above where the head would rest. Each was also custom designed to match each user. Celestia owned the throne to the left of the center, Luna the throne to the right. To Celestia's right in order of proximity was Cadence, Shining Armor, Rarity, and Apple Jack. To Luna's left in order of proximity was Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy.

Each member took their positions in the council room as the prisoner, "Weasel," was brought before them.

"So, this is the strange being which slayed Cerberus all by himself. Were the world not thrown into disharmony because of your actions, I would be impressed." As Celestia spoke to him, Arlington felt more at ease. The celestial mare's voice seemed to be pure neutral when stating that which many would state subjectively. She addressed her interrogation subjects in a way that made them feel that even though they were in big trouble, she just "wanted to talk."

"What is your name, strange one?" added Celestia.

"My name is Albert Arlington, but I am often called 'the Weasel.'"

"How'd y'all get that name?" asked Apple Jack.

"Because I seem to weasel out of bad situations. Or at least I used to."

Luna analyzed the creature for a few seconds before asking "Twilight, is this being not similar to the... "humans" thou encountered in the other world? The prisoner reminds us of the vivid descriptions you gave. Could the prisoner be of that same realm?"

Twilight pondered the anatomy, the posture, the personality, and the magical essence of the being to accurately deduce if this human was indeed of the same realm of even human at all.

"I don't believe he is. He is indeed of the same or similar species. He is probably of a similar realm. It's just... his anatomy is a little off and his face is quite smaller than I remember, especially the eyes." She analyzed closer. "Your eyes are different colors. One is blue and the other is green. Is this a common thing in your world, or is it a genetic variation? I don't remember seeing anything like it when I visited a human world."

I forgot about that. Yeah, I was born with two different colored eyes. When I was young, everyone thought it was neat and my parents thought it meant I was special. As I got older, it just made people alienate me for being different. After joining the Mob, I was able to use the creepy factor to my advantage and fuck with people. After being in Alcatraz and purgatory so long, where nobody gives a shit about that kind of thing, I kinda forgot all about it.

"No, it's not a common thing. It's some kind of freak mutation, I dunno. Nobody else I ever met had it, but I heard some other people have it."


Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and interrupted. "Enough about the freaking eyes! Let's get to the good stuff! I wanna know how you killed Cerberus! Did you wrestle him to the ground yourself and lay the beat down on him with brass horseshoes!? Or did you shove his nose in so that part of his own skull pierced his brain!? OH OH OH! I know! You used a rusty piece of your chain to cut one of his limbs off so he would bleed to death!" Rainbow was pantomiming each scenario as she was saying them, while wearing a large fangirl smile on her face. Twilight facehoofed.

"I swear, Rainbow Dash. Sometimes, your overactive imagination frightens me more than Pinkie's."

Weasel decided to give his own two cents. "What kind of fucking council is this?"

"HEY, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE YOU PRICK!" Yelled Fluttershy. "OH, goodness, excuse me..."

"Look, just answer the question, sir," interrupted Shining Armor.

"Fine, fine... I used the magic tomahawk I acquired while in purgatory." That will confuse the fuck of of them...

"Wait, WHAT?" asked Rarity.

"You were in purgatory?" asked Twilight.

"You escaped purgatory?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"You have a magic tomahawk?" asked Apple Jack.

Cadence interrupted the commotion. "Look, Just, start from the beginning if you must. This is getting confusing really fast."

"Alright, alright. I'll take it from the top! Wait, how far from the top? My whole life story or what?"

Celestia pondered this for a moment, then stated "Well, that would be some information worth knowing for future reference and may add context to what we actually need to hear. So yes, please, tell us your life story." For the first time ever, someone actually said that without it sounding sarcastic. Only Celestia could have done that.

"Okay then, my life story..." Arlington had to think for a moment to remember everything notable about his life and afterlife. "Wait, sould I include my afterlife as well?"

Many of the ponies facehoofed. Twilight simply stated "Please do."

"Okay, got it. For real this time, I think." Weasel thought about his life and afterlife again. "When I was about 20, my friends asked me to participate in their... business. I don't mean no farm or boutique or anything, I mean organized crime." Weasel's alliteration to Rarity and AJ was entirely unintentional. Pinkie could tell, and giggled silently. Weasel continued. "We were what is commonly known as a 'mafia,' or 'mob' for short. We organized transportation of drugs, heists, and money laundering. I was a money handler and con man. The cops caught us after a heist in Los Angeles, and we were sent to Alcatraz prison on life sentences for our crimes."

"Why did you go with them? Didn't you have a choice? Why would you help such awful people?" Asked Rarity.

"Well, they were my only friends. I didn't have that much of a choice, really. After I knew too much about what they did, they weren't about to just let me go. They would have probably killed me if I chickened out. Plus, they said I was pretty good at conning people. I remember they used to say I could 'con people out of their souls.' Figured if I could do what I'm apparently best at, and even avoid being either killed or abandoned by my friends, I might as well."

"If you're so good at conning, why didn't you just make a break for it after your weapon was confiscated, and why aren't you trying to deceive us? I have a sense for when I am trying to be bargained with or manipulated, but I don't sense that from you," interrupted Celestia.

"I guess I'm just tired of running. I've been around a while now. I guess I just want all this shit to be over with..."

Celestia felt that statement was 100% genuine. "Proceed with your tale."

"While in Alcatraz, I designed a plane, a flying machine, to take my friends and I back to the streets. I named it Icarus, after the boy in Greek mythology. Ironically, like Icarus, who's fabricated feather and wax wings melted off when he flew too close to the sun due to his eagerness, lack of following instructions, and unrealistic ambitions, the Plane Icarus never took flight nor finished construction. Our crew developed too much bickering and confusion, and my collaborators decided to abandon my plan. Because they felt cheated over my overly ambitious plan, they created makeshift weapons and killed me on the prison roof, where I was going to build their plane. I believe they were sentenced to death for the murder soon after, since they met me in purgatory soon after."

"What was the afterlife like for you and your former friends?" Inquired Twilight Sparkle. She had taken out a scroll and quill to take notes. What, this world doesn't have pencils and paper?

"We had to constantly relive our failed escape attempt. But not just that, we also had to do it while battling the undead. Soon after the first few cycles, the replica of the prison became overrun with zombies. The longer we survived in any given cycle, the harder and harder they got to kill. It was like they got stronger by the minute. Purgatory stopped being purgatory, per se, but more a hell. We were tortured with our worst failure of life as well as the worst torture of the afterlife. Since it was all in hell and not actually happening, the undead came in unlimited numbers, more and more at an exponential rate. For everery zombie we killed, three or four stronger ones arose. A few dozen or so cycles in, weapons and a chest which contained a different random weapon each time it was opened appeared in the demonic Alcatraz. We also discovered that whatever forces at play also left behind other weapons which were exceptionally strong but required harvesting souls of the undead or solving puzzles to obtain. It was as if our afterlife were some sort of... game, with survival the primary objective."

Many of the council members lost track of a lot of it, but Twilight was keeping track okay. "How did you escape purgatory then, if it was defended by hordes of hydraesqe undead?

"I guess the moral of the 'game' was to enact my revenge on the criminals who wronged me, so I did. I plotted to lure them into a trap and betray them when they least expected it. See, the others didn't know they were in purgatory. They believed that Alcatraz was always infested with undead and that they never betrayed me in life. It was like when they came into purgatory, their short term memory was erased, as well as each time we died in the cycle. I kept all of my memories, including their betrayal. I heard that the only way out of purgatory is to move on with whatever put you there, so I guessed that I needed to get my revenge for us to be able to truly move on. Funny enough, the undead even sided with me when I finally betrayed them. As soon as I sprung my trap, all of the zombies assisted in killing my former friends, but ignored me as if I was one of them or their master. It turned out that was the purpose of my purgatory, and after I killed the last of my former friends, The world faded to white, and I thought I was about to move on."

"Hmm..." pondered Twilight. "Maybe you came to Equestria because your soul didn't know where to go?"

"Yeah, that makes sense actually. Anyways, after I was set free, I felt pure bliss for a few moments then woke up in Tartarus. It wasn't exactly a welcome change, let me tell ya! I noticed that one of my weapons was still available, my enchanted tomahawk, and did what anyone in my situation would do, I escaped. I didn't exactly mean to let all of those demons out with me. I just didn't want to spend anymore time in the afterlife, and killing Cerberus was the only way out. Trust me, I don't want hydras on the streets any more than the next guy!"

Celestia detected 97% sincerity in his speech. For a con man discussing his autobiography, that was more than acceptable enough. "Okay then. Your story checks out. You simply got involved with the wrong group, did some regrettable things, paid for your crimes with your life and a horrible afterlife, and only killed Cerberus because you were tired of torture and saw a way out. As for why that particular weapon escaped confiscation, I am not certain. Even items with retrieval enchantments are usually confiscated. I will look into this later, but for now, I have a deal for you." Celestia gave him a grin that basically said "you're not the only one who knows how to bargain."

Arlington decided that this was the best possible scenario, and wanted to hear what she had to say. "Okay, what do you have in mind?"

"Because the dispersal of the inhabitants of Tartarus was as much the fault of our mishap as it was your instinct, and considering how Equestria is the land of second chances, I will allow you to live, if you assist us with slaying the demons which have been unleashed. Your weapons will be returned to you, but they will be enchanted so that you will not be able to harm the righteous, only the demons. Do not attempt to craft new weapons to turn on Equestria, or our deal will be terminated and your life forfeit. You will be marked to our guards and supernatural defenses as what we believed you to be; a demon, and you will be slain along with the other demons. Are my terms clear?"

Weasel considered this deal. If he doesn't take it, he's dead. If he does, he gets to fight monsters for a living. And at the end, he gets to go free... Wait, does he?

"What happens to me after we finish killing all the freaks?"

Luna answered the man in a matter-of-fact tone. "If thou complete thine quest, thou shall be set free, and allowed to roam the country of Equestria and the Crystal Empire as thou see fit, as long as thou commit no further criminal acts against either nation."

Weasel was okay with this. Freedom and monster killing, and he gets his Mark II and Tommy Gun back. Sounds good. "Okay, you have made me an offer I can't refuse. You fine ladies have yourself a deal."

Shining Armor coughed.

"And Gentleman, sorry."

The next morning, in a small village a few dozen miles from Manehattan

Trixie woke in her inn bed, just as she had countless days for as long as she could remember. She had been forced to run from the law ever since she had caused all of the commotion in Ponyville what seemed like ages ago. She had tried to get revenge with the Alicorn Amulet, but was defeated by that know-it-all, Twilight... What a shame, her plan almost worked too.

She opened her eyes, expecting to see the stained, rusty, and discerning marks on the room's ceiling which she had stared at while she fell asleep last night. Unfortunately, a pair of judgmental crimson eyes belonging to a brown unicorn stallion blocked her view.

"Trixie Lulamoon, you are under arrest for disturbing the harmony of Equestria and resisting capture." The other two stallions in the room also gave her nasty stares as she got out of her bed. Realizing that her life was basically over now and that all of this could have been avoided had she covered her tracks just a little bit better, she simply facehoofed, not knowing what else to do.

"Anything you say CAN and WILL be presented to her majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna," stated another stallion. The four unicorns trotted out of the inn room, not before giving Trixie a set of ethereal handcuffs.

Author's Note:

Arlington: Monster Hunter :pinkiegasp::rainbowkiss::rainbowwild::moustache::trixieshiftright::ajsmug:

And Trixie is part of the story now as well, the plot thickens :trixieshiftleft::rainbowdetermined2:

Comments ( 9 )

The only person ive seeb him kill was the prison guard in the intro but that's it or knocked him. Seeing him as a con man i theorize he really never killed anyone human maybe beat or robber but not murder. Con men are not like that.

weasel you are one hell of a mobster first your killed by your friends only to meet them again in the after life where you guys fight off the undead before you kill your own friend and now your in a land of equestria where your working for magical talking ponies who want you to kill demons for them.......i tip my hat to you my good sir:moustache:
i give this chapter a 9/10 keep up the good work Crazy

Oh my god. I can't read this anymore. The pacing is going at light-speed. Slow down, explain things, describe things, have lain-out dialogue not going straight to the point in two sentences... ug. Along with the main character going:

In Tartous?, OKAY! In a magical pony-land? OKAY! A Magical-Pony-Princess telling me what to do with my life, and explain everything with no stopping or moving whatsoever? THATS FINE!

Also, the talking seems like a machine saying something. "Artificial Emotions" feel too.

Oh, come one, he saw some pretty nasty stuff already for over an eternity. I think he can handle this place perfectly well.

Not particularly fond of the Ponies attitudes, but I'm still enjoying the story.

I'm really liking where this is going. I hope to see more chapters in the future.

This be an old but good short just needs more meat on its bones

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