Lament of the Weasel

by Crazy Chocolate

One Cycle Was Broken, Another Was Forged

As the homemade airplane, Icarus, flew in the hope of bringing the convicts to relative safety one last time, this time in their ethereal ghostly forms, it once again crashed, and the four mobsters fell onto the cold surface of the Golden Gate Bridge. Each of the ghosts entered their bodies to initiate their final conflict, which would determine their fate for all eternity. Their bodies were sitting in electric chairs on the bridge even though they had left their bodies at the prison. None of them questioned these things anymore; after a near eternity in purgatory, you tend to get used to these things.

As The Weasel felt all of his senses come flowing back into his conscious awareness as he had felt countless times during his stay in this hellhole (literally), he calculated his odds of defeating all of his fellow mobsters this time. He may have acquired a Ray Gun Mark II and even upgraded it, as well as upgraded a Tommy Gun, but he felt even the gun which had served him best in death and the gun that had served him best in life would not be enough when he was outnumbered three to one. Besides, Finn and Billy had gotten ahold of the Blundergats and upgraded them as well as converted them using the acid kit HE had invented (how ironic is that?), and all four of them had earned Golden Sporks. To the average man, a golden spork may seem like a ludicrous idea; a fashion statement that really made no sense. But, in reality (or more like purgatory), it was one of the most powerful weapons ever created. A single stab to the foot against any of the undead except the armored guard would kill it instantly.

Speaking of the undead, before the others could gang up on Arlington, zombies came flooding in and three clones of the armored guard, Brutus, appeared. Great, how am I supposed to fight the undead as well as three hardened criminals that want my ass on a plaque?

To Arlington's surprise, the undead weren't focused on him at all. In fact, that ignored him completely! The Weasel was finally the one on top, the one with the edge! He was master of the undead! How did this happen? He didn't care; some things are just too perfectly timed to question in the heat of a moment.

Since his former allies were now... occupied, Weasel decided to try and get a few cheap shots off of them. He pulled out the Mark II, which had saved him so many times in this endeavor, to help him one last time. He aimed at Sal, fired, and watched as the plasma burned through his skin as zombies picked at his wounds. he wouldn't be a problem anymore. He aimed at Billy, one of the two with Blundergats, and fired a few rounds into his arm, causing him to drop the heavily modified gun which was all that was keeping him alive. After that, he was at the mercy of the three guards, who proceeded to lay the beat down on him and shout one liners until he was terminated as a threat to Weasel. Now all that remained was the boss, Finn.

Weasel looked around for Finn, but couldn't find anyone except the corpses of his fallen ex-companions. He proceeded to turn around to see if Finn had run away and let the zombies get preoccupied with his fellow conspirators. Sure enough, as soon as Weasel turned, Finn pointed a shotgun revolver to his forehead.

"End of the line, Weasel. We appreciated your help getting outta Alcatraz, but your usefulness ran out. Nothing personal."

Weasel was about to just accept his fate, when he remembered that he had one more trick up his sleeve; he was a conman.

"Hey, Finn! Look out, it's the guard!"

"What? I thought they were held up with Billy!"

As Finn turned around, Weasel pulled out his Golden Spork and stabbed Finn in the throat.

"Didn't you hear I'm a stubborn son of a bitch!?"

As Finn, the last man, monster, or otherwise to challenge Albert Arlington fell onto the cold concrete on the incomplete Golden Gate Bridge. As Al looked into the distance at the fireworks in celebration of New Year's Eve on the horizon of San Francisco, he finally felt... free.

After a few seconds, Weasel and the undead felt a certain lightness as everything faded to white. Weasel beheld the feeling of being absolute nothingness. Not an ethereal spirit, not a soul damned to purgatory for his crimes, actually nothingness. He felt free for the first time in an eternity.

---

Arlington woke up from a long stasis of white into a world of black. he was on a large stone pillar chained to the floor so that he could move, but not freely. After his recent experience, this was a real letdown.

Well, it's better than being trapped in Alcatraz with zombies on my ass every second of every day and constantly having to relive dying and failing to escape. Weasel knew he couldn't lie to himself. Ah, who am I kidding? At least that was somewhat entertaining, here I just sit around all day doing nothing. Where am I, anyway?

Al looked around and saw several demons and various hellspawn wither trapped in cages or chained to these stone pillars as he was. He looked forward and saw Cerberus, the guardian of Hades, on patrol.

Oh, I'm in Tartarus! I guess the forces at be thought I would like doing nothing better than fighting for my life constantly.

Weasel looked in his pockets and found all of his weapons had been stolen, even his shiv and Golden Spork. Makes sense, if I had so much as my Hell's Redeemer, I could just break off these chains and take out Cerberus. Weasel contemplated what he just thought. "Wait, my Redeemer! It always comes back!"

Sure enough, when Al looked in his pocket a second time, he found his blue tomahawk sitting there. The forces at be must have forgotten to remove the enchantment on it that always returns it to his pocket!

It had served him well earlier in his cycle, and he had even upgraded it by feeding it 30 zombie souls, but it grew obsolete after he had gotten the Spork. Think of it as a heat seeking tomahawk that automatically aims for your target's head. Useful indeed, but the summoning enchantment has a recharge, while the spork is a melee weapon.

Arlington took out his Hell's Redeemer and smashed his chains with it. They dissolved magically upon impact, and Al was free once again. When Cerberus noticed what was going on, he tried to intimidate Al to get him to back away, but it didn't work.

"Ironic, isn't it? You forgot to confiscate the weapon you gave me!" Arlington yelled "FETCH THIS!" as he threw his Redeemer at Cerberus and it severed all three of the heads. Al saw his chance and ran out of what seemed to be the only exit as fast as he could. He had to run long and fast to ensure he could get out if Cerberus had regenerative properties or if a demon broke out as well and came after him.

After about five minutes of running, Weasel, found a light at the end of the tunnel and eventually escaped into the open world. It seemed to be spring. the flowers were blooming, the birds chirping, the grass greener than Al had ever seen in his life. He noticed a dirt road and decided to follow it. Maybe it lead to a new town where he could get a new start and make a good name for himself this time. For only the second time in eons, Al felt free. The world was his oyster, but something in the back of his mind made him feel like this was going to be too good to be true. He tried to ignore these feelings, since he had never had any reasons to be optimistic for a long long time and didn't want to ruin it.

Comments

[Nidle]

This is really good :)