• Published 6th Aug 2014
  • 1,908 Views, 31 Comments

Lament of the Weasel - Crazy Chocolate

Albert Arlington escapes the physical and metaphorical incarceration of Alcatraz Prison by enacting his revenge, only to wake up in Tartarus.

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Broke His Rusty Cage and Ran

Celestia woke in cold sweat. She had just seen a horrible vision of a bipedal creature slaying Cerberus single-handedly and escaping, releasing all of the demons from Tartarus into Equestria at once. She couldn't stop hyperventilating.

"Tia! What's wrong?! You look like you had another vision! Has a demon escaped Tartarus again? *GASP* Was it Tirek?!" Luna replied. Whenever somepony, someone, or something came into their world threatening harmony or trying to overthrow her and her sister, Celestia had nightmares that gave her insight. It was one of her many ethereal abilities which separated her and Luna from the rest of Equestria. Sometimes, Celestia would have normal nightmares, just like everypony else. But whenever she did, Luna could tell, being the princess of the night and being able to even enter dreams. Whenever her sister woke up as if it was a nightmare even though Luna could tell they hadn't originated from her own mind, she knew it had to be a vision again.

"Oh, sorry to startle you, sister. Yes, I am afraid Tirek has indeed escaped Tartarus, but he is not alone. A strange bipedal being from another world entered the Tartarus in our world and slayed Cerberus on his way out. He accidentally gave all of the other residents a chance to break free before Cerberus was able to resurrect himself." Celestia got out of bed and trotted over to her window. Luna followed.

"But, how? How does one slay Cerberus alone as this being did? Did he seem to possess some strange magic?"

"I believe he did. He seemed himself to be a mortal, but he had a strange axe which glowed with a blue ethereal light and was able to redirect itself midair. he used it to break his rusty chains and then aimed for Cerberus, removing all three heads with one throw. The axe even returned to him after usage. He then continued to run out of the entrance. Shortly after Cerberus was slain, the cages of the others magically unlocked and the chains dissolved away, allowing them to escape."

"I see; without Cerberus casting the spell to maintain the millenia-old locks and chains, they simply turned to ash. What shall we do now, then? The elements were barely able to handle Tirek on his own, how will they ever slay all of these demons before life as we know it is wiped out?"

"Well, I'll have to think about it. There may be an ancient spell to reverse all of this. In the meantime, me must attempt to arrest this being and bring him in for questioning. He may be useful if we can get him to work for us against this threat. Also, I shall advise Princess Twilight and her council to visit Canterlot to discuss this matter."

Weasel kept running as long as he could. He was sure he had gotten at least five miles away from that place in one sprint. He stopped for just about four seconds to catch his breath. He figured if anything chased him out of there, it was long gone.

Out of absolutely nowhere, a golden chariot pulled by two white pegasus stallions and ridden by three white unicorn stallions in gold armor came out of the sky.

"WHAT. THE. FUCK!?" Weasel was dumbfounded. "Fucking UNICORN COPS? THE HELL!?"

"Stop! By order of her majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, you are under arrest!"


"How about setting free all of the demons in Tartarus?

Weasel pondered what he was just told for a second. "All of them? Well, shit..." He knew he probably would have set free like one or two demons into this world, but setting free all of the evil that a whole world had ever housed? Damn, that's quite an accomplishment. He should pat himself on the back for that one!

Weasel followed his mobster instincts and shouted "you'll never take me alive, COPPERS!" and proceeded to throw his Hell's Redeemer at the ponies. One of the unicorns shot a beam of red energy out of his horn and the magical tomahawk vanished into thin air. Shortly after, another flash of light, blue this time, gave him a set of ethereal handcuffs.

"Resisting arrest? *tsk tsk tsk* that';; just get you into more trouble," Claimed one of the unicorn guards.

"Yeah, don't try to use magic on unicorn guards you jackass! Did you think it was going to end any other way?"

Weasel, being the pessimistic little comedian he is, announced "Well, I sure hoped it was going to end with you five dead and me on the run. Of course, fate isn't nice enough to me for that to happen and I figured it would probably backfire anyways. Everything always does."

"Then why do you still bother with this kind of shit?" asked one of the unicorn guards.

"I don't know, why do YOU continue living when you know you're just gonna die someday?"

"So I can keep wiping the grins off of punk ass comedians like you! Now get in the chariot before we make you get in."

"All right, all right! Whatever! I guess I've got nothing else to lose..."

"See how easy this can be when you cooperate?" replied one of the unicorn guards. "Take us to the Princesses, boys. This asshole has an appointment."

"Right away, sir," responded one of the pegasus guards.

Weasel had to think about what was just said again. "Wait, the pegasi here are sentient as well?"

"Sentient enough to tell you you're a racist prick." Replied the other pegasus stallion.

"Well, I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know? Normally in my world, we use regular non-sentient animals to pull carts and chariots and things."

"So, your species takes advantage of helpless animals for a living, huh?" Asked the first pegasus guard. He was disgusted with this prisoner more and more every second.

"Yeah, pretty much." Weasel thought about this for a second more. "Actually, come to think about it, I come from the planet of the pricks! My world really sucked! Activists for various freedoms were often seen as assholes and just about everyone was racist!" Keep in mind, Weasel died during the 30s.

"I wonder what the mares are like there..." whispered one of the unicorn guards to his friend.

"Oh sweet mother of Cadence! I actually feel SORRY for this guy now!" the other guard whispered back.