That was a great two chapters there. I'm liking this setup. I can't wait to see what happens in the next couple chapters! xD
"Oral" ha!
And dick move, Aura. It seems somepony don't know when to let things go. That is one soldier I'd never want watching MY back. Might end up a pincushion for all the knives that would likely end up back there. :P
4916941 That reply only became funnier since your avatar has that pensive look on his face.
4916934 Valid criticism, but, it's something even professional authors tend to do. Every break is essentially a transition, a line break, and this one seems to be what happens after the initiation day. One doesn't just start off training the moment you reach the training camp. Last scene was troops getting situated. This one is DT waking up to a new day where she starts her training for the first time.
Best I can advise is wait till the story ends and you can read it from start to finish. But seeing how frequent the author updates, as compared to fics thrice the chapter length, I think you're looking a gift horse in the mouth. They aren't really cliffhangers save for what happened at the barn which was more filler and a nice sort of send off for Tiara. Something she refused to think about when her mind brought her back to what she did with a certain farm pony the night before when she was complaining of lack of sleep. xD
Anywho, I'll stop babbling now. Ha! But yeah, take a week or two off. Come back to some meaty chucks of story you can pile into one big sandwich!
4916941 I like the short chapters with 'cliffhangers'. You post so frequently they don't feel like cliffhangers, just stuff to keep me interested. Keep on keeping on, dear author!
I'm really liking this so far, keep it up. I don't mind the short chapters and cliffhanger-y endings since you update far too often for it to ever become a problem. The short chapters also give the story a nice sense of pace, which is always a good thing.
I like the direction this story is going in . I feel you need more moment's when Diamond Tiara is being a bitch, and the drill sergeant is the nicest one I've ever seen. Usually they yell your ears off and insult you. Like, a lot.
4917709 Remember, ponies are not as violent. Look at how spitfire and co behaved in the Wonderbolt Academy episode. They were far more subdued than any human would ever be given the situation.
Is a great read so far. Love the idea of Aura, a good rival can cause a person/pony to change very quickly, and be determined to change, if only to prove the other wrong. A simple and useful idea that I love seeing.
Hm. At this point, I would say it's only okay. Each chapter up to this point has pretty much been just one scene, and there's very little setting, set dressing, or sensation throughout. You tell instead of show some interesting encounters (the introduction of the drill sergeant, for example), and at this point you only have two characters at boot camp, DT and Aura. The other characters are puppets, set dressing. It doesn't feel real, it feels like a summary. Your drill sergeant doesn't even have a name. There are no other cadets that DT meets, encounters, or otherwise interacts with.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman was the best character in Full Metal Jacket (besides maybe Jayne Animal Mother), and while Full Metal Jacket should not be held up as the epitome of military training depictions, it's a goddamn fine one. Character interaction is an essential point of many stories, and it would be unwise to leave the military roster barren.
Aura is going to have to watch her flank because one more dumb stunt and she's going to be trotting down Washout Avenue to the main gate.
Diamond Tiara should watch her flank because, if Aura is willing to do that, she might get funny ideas when they start issuing them weapons with live cutting edges. There is always one who is too dumb to care about the consequences so long as they get their petty revenge.
And now, here she was: back outside on the training field. The sky was just starting to turn pink with the first light of the sun rising. They were up before the sun for crying out loud. There had to be some sort of law against that.
Nope. You're in the military now. Get used to it.
Reaching a field of barbed wire, Diamond Tiara stopped, staring at it. Barbed wire? Why in Equestria would they have that out here? They could not seriously be expecting her to make her way through that, could they?
Apparently, yes.
"Aura," he called out, "Tiara, Ward, front and center."
Oh boy.
The drill sergeant walked in front of them, stopping to glare at Aura. "What the hay do you think you were doing?" he shouted, almost getting into Aura's face. "I saw that stunt you pulled back there. Did you really think you could get away with pulling that?"
Yes, even though she should know better,
"Twenty push-ups," the drill sergeant stated. "Yes, Drill Sergeant," Diamond Tiara said in a loud clear voice. She then moved into the position and started to do her first push-up.
Wise move, talking back to your Drill Sergeant from what I know, is a bad idea.
Satisfied, Aura gave a swift, hard kick with her leg. There was a faint crack as her hoof broke the piece of wood, causing it to collapse. The wires behind her dropped, pressing against Diamond Tiara.
This is a reference from either a show or movie......but for the life of me I can't remember what is was though!
Yesterday, after settling in (which pretty much meant tossing the blanket and pillow on her cot then getting her shirt on), Diamond Tiara and the other recruit went out to the training field and met their instructor. A quick introduction ( "I am the first, last, and only authority as far as you are concerned" ), and brief explanation of what would be happening (" I will be pushing you until you pass out, puke, and finally quit! Most likely in that order. If you can make it through this, then maybe -- just maybe -- you won't be completely worthless as guards. "), they got to spend the rest of the day running, doing jumping jacks, running, doing push-ups, running, climbing, and (oh joy) more running.
wow, You didn't just take the full metal jacket speech... Points for originality
Satisfied, Aura gave a swift, hard kick with her leg. There was a faint crack as her hoof broke the piece of wood, causing it to collapse. The wires behind her dropped, pressing against Diamond Tiara.
You stole that from Captain America... Oh man can you imagine Captain America Diamond Tiara...
This is getting interesting.
4916934 nope
That was a great two chapters there. I'm liking this setup. I can't wait to see what happens in the next couple chapters! xD
"Oral" ha!
And dick move, Aura. It seems somepony don't know when to let things go. That is one soldier I'd never want watching MY back. Might end up a pincushion for all the knives that would likely end up back there. :P
4916941 That reply only became funnier since your avatar has that pensive look on his face.
4916934 Valid criticism, but, it's something even professional authors tend to do. Every break is essentially a transition, a line break, and this one seems to be what happens after the initiation day. One doesn't just start off training the moment you reach the training camp. Last scene was troops getting situated. This one is DT waking up to a new day where she starts her training for the first time.
Best I can advise is wait till the story ends and you can read it from start to finish. But seeing how frequent the author updates, as compared to fics thrice the chapter length, I think you're looking a gift horse in the mouth. They aren't really cliffhangers save for what happened at the barn which was more filler and a nice sort of send off for Tiara. Something she refused to think about when her mind brought her back to what she did with a certain farm pony the night before when she was complaining of lack of sleep. xD
Anywho, I'll stop babbling now. Ha! But yeah, take a week or two off. Come back to some meaty chucks of story you can pile into one big sandwich!
You know what the guard needs...? Commissars,
fc00.deviantart.net/fs23/f/2007/336/5/6/Commissars_by_NavalAce.jpg
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/100/f/f/fight_or_flight____by_a_beebee-d4vrkcp.jpg
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120418172110/warhammer40k/images/5/52/Commissar_closeup.jpg
fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/111/8/1/commissar_logic_by_a_beebee-d4x52re.png
PS: I may not end up completely hating Diamond Tiara by the end of this.
4916941 I like the short chapters with 'cliffhangers'. You post so frequently they don't feel like cliffhangers, just stuff to keep me interested. Keep on keeping on, dear author!
I'm really liking this so far, keep it up. I don't mind the short chapters and cliffhanger-y endings since you update far too often for it to ever become a problem. The short chapters also give the story a nice sense of pace, which is always a good thing.
I like the direction this story is going in . I feel you need more moment's when Diamond Tiara is being a bitch, and the drill sergeant is the nicest one I've ever seen. Usually they yell your ears off and insult you. Like, a lot.
4917709 Remember, ponies are not as violent. Look at how spitfire and co behaved in the Wonderbolt Academy episode. They were far more subdued than any human would ever be given the situation.
Is a great read so far. Love the idea of Aura, a good rival can cause a person/pony to change very quickly, and be determined to change, if only to prove the other wrong. A simple and useful idea that I love seeing.
4917719 unicorns and earth ponys are non violent
we've seen that pegasai used to be an a military society so it goes to say they likely where agressive by nature.
threstrals (bat ponies) have all the signs of being predators so likely they are very agresive.
Hm. At this point, I would say it's only okay. Each chapter up to this point has pretty much been just one scene, and there's very little setting, set dressing, or sensation throughout. You tell instead of show some interesting encounters (the introduction of the drill sergeant, for example), and at this point you only have two characters at boot camp, DT and Aura. The other characters are puppets, set dressing. It doesn't feel real, it feels like a summary. Your drill sergeant doesn't even have a name. There are no other cadets that DT meets, encounters, or otherwise interacts with.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman was the best character in Full Metal Jacket (besides maybe
JayneAnimal Mother), and while Full Metal Jacket should not be held up as the epitome of military training depictions, it's a goddamn fine one. Character interaction is an essential point of many stories, and it would be unwise to leave the military roster barren.4917719
MLP is a kid's show. There are unrealistic portrayals of many things.
We don't even know what the Wonderbolts are. Racing? Stunts? Military? Paramilitary?
4917709
i.imgur.com/u21fD3B.jpg
Aura is going to have to watch her flank because one more dumb stunt and she's going to be trotting down Washout Avenue to the main gate.
Diamond Tiara should watch her flank because, if Aura is willing to do that, she might get funny ideas when they start issuing them weapons with live cutting edges. There is always one who is too dumb to care about the consequences so long as they get their petty revenge.
Nope. You're in the military now. Get used to it.
Apparently, yes.
Oh boy.
Yes, even though she should know better,
Wise move, talking back to your Drill Sergeant from what I know, is a bad idea.
4916941
This is a reference from either a show or movie......but for the life of me I can't remember what is was though!
wow, You didn't just take the full metal jacket speech... Points for originality
You stole that from Captain America...
Oh man can you imagine Captain America Diamond Tiara...
8292905
I think it's Captain America: The first Avenger