Jake Eld is a normal 16 year old but when his house collapses in on him he thinks he should be dead . But God's got different plans.
Chapters (6)
The Alchemist
Joined 9th Mar, 2012 ·
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- The Alchemist · 7.3k words · 41 16 · 3.2k views
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Hmm, could be interesting. I shall observe where this story goes.
There's a few grammar errors here and there, so you may want to scan through and patch it up. Other than that, decent start.
sounds pretty good so far *faved and liked*
Good story so far, but it seemed a little fast-paced.
That was bad.....badass!!!!!!
The pacing is too fast.
438180 I realize that so the next chapter is going to help explain anything I missed.
What the ---
I feel weird reading this.
438321 How so? It's a normal story like any other.
Something that helps a lot with pacing is depicting in detail the emotions and thoughts of the characters. After all, it's these traits that help the readers become attached to the character. I'm not smart on any degree, so whenever I write, I constantly find myself having to use a thesaurus. It takes a lot longer, but the end product flows better with a pace to match the mood of both reader and character.
I'm bit of a sadist when I write, so my characters are rife with flaws that impede their goals and relationships. Their fleeting moments of happiness are given only to be violently ripped away. It's the constant transition between human emotions that draw your reader in. It's also what makes your story unpredictable and memorable. So, making a character as powerful as Jake Eld who is already so powerful at the beginning, takes away that unpredictable element.
I also suggest to end chapters with a conflict of some sort, whether it's physical, social, emotional, mental, moral, or whatever. You don't want your readers to ask themselves, "What reason do I have to continue reading?" Instead, they should be given clear, definite conflicts to ponder. Like, "I need to find out what will happen to this specific character," and "I need to know how the characters are going to get out of this specific situation."
I'm not saying that your writing style is wrong or that your story is bad because it's not. I highly respect you with all my heart as a fellow writer. These are just some things for you to consider. Whether you follow them or not is up to you and I won't feel the slightest bit offended one way or the other.
438439 Wow! That is some really good advice especially the one about ending with conflicts. I think that has helped me get over my writers block. You my kind sir have earned yourself a shout out in the next chapter.
438540
The idea of a perfect being does not sit well with me. The way the story is structured looks non-serious for me.
438588 I'm agnostic and it doesn't sit well with me either. Sooo I didn't make him a perfect being in fact no one in the story is perfect. And the story gets serious as hell later on. You just gotta give it a chance
438591
Alright then. Well I'll be tracking this. If it improves in the later chapters, it will show.
don't let all the thumbs downs get to you....this has potential for greatness
442078 Thanks I wasn't planning on stopping anytime soon. But it's good to know that you like it
Transformers in a nutshell
442147
No not really
I prefer the white knight armor.
Looks alot more badass
Me Gusta, Its actually quite good, maybe slow down a little.
442186 Ah I thank you for your input. As to why his armor takes on that form will be addressed in the next chapter
442194 Thank you very much I'm working on my pacing so that will be getting better as the story progresses
Whoa,this story is awesome,keep it up!
Things are going to hell in a handbasket
I may be interested in changing Wrath's name if anyone has a good one.
454132 hmmmm.........luthor?
anyways not to be a downer but seems a bit fast paced and confusing
454460 Yeah but i'm just trying to find my style through some of what I write
kk but keep at it mate! i love the spirits in his mind!
Ah the Boomstick moment, nobody can resist laughing at it. Can't wait to see what is next haha!
well how come the text is all bold .. i thought only fury is bold ?
464398 Oh jeez thanks for pointing that out for me
This was a joy to write everypony. I'm working on another but hopefully more people will read and enjoy it. Thanks for reading to the very end it means a lot to me!
This has been a good ride and I thank you for writing it.
So wait
You're working on a sequel or a different story?
466847 A different one that has it's ties to the main character of this one
This was a strange story. Although all stories are strange when you think about it. Nicely done.
467210 Thanks I always try for strange
It was a great run,I hope to see more from you,it was quite a journey.
FOOD!
CUPCAKES!
SILENCE!
454132 Destroyer, Rage, Killer, Vengeance
483111 That just helped me with a serious case of writers block I was having in one of my other stories. Vengeance I like that
I love it wen the guys that make the story add songs wen a battle starts!!!