Scootaloo's Mind

by mehperson

Scootaloo's mind

Scootaloo's point of view

"- and Scootaloo, you do not even deserve to be considered a pegasus! Pegasi are supposed to fly and battle gravity and not sit on the ground! Oh wait, you are too weak to!" Diamond Tiara teased. I put up a smile and say,"Ha! One day, I will fly!" I do not truly think that. To be honest, I have always thought myself as a failure. One more push and I will break down. Luckily, they did not and left, satisfied. I just put that smile up so that nopony would have to be too concerned about me. Particularly, my mom. You see, my mother is tired and has many things to take care of. Yet, she cares for me so I try not to get into too much trouble, for her sake. Here is why:

I didn't come from the best background. My dad died in an accident when I was just four. My dad being the breadwinner, my mother had financial problems. She had to take up odd jobs just to keep my family together. That is not easy with have three fillies. She would take up overtime sometimes until late at night! Sometimes, I would cook for her. She would always refuse but she would eventually lose to fatigue. I keep telling her to take a break because she does not soon, she will get sick! She never listens. Guess that is where my stubborn genes came from. Like I said, I do not want to worry her too much. I would fake a smile just to keep her at ease.

Ok. No more things about my past. Anyway, Diamond Tiara's words kept running through my mind like the climax of a movie.

Weak...

I look at my wings. I feel like throwing my helmet onto the floor. Stupid wings! Stupid growth! Why can I not fly? My brothers can and they are younger than me!? I feel tears dwell up in my eyes. I blink them away. I look up to the sky. I see a pair of pegasi. They have a strikingly similar appearance to my brothers. I squinted. They were not. Besides, even if they were, I doubt they would recognise me. Puberty really changes you. Anyway, flight camps cost a lot of money so maybe being unable to fly is not too bad. I try to fly. I manage to lift myself up a bit before flying. I sigh. Maybe tomorrow I can fly. It would be awkward though, since it would look uncomfortable. Oh, and my brothers are some of the fastest fliers in flight school! That makes me more miserable. They deserve Rainbow Dash's attention, not me.

You do not even deserve to be called a pegasus!

I grit my teeth. How dare she! How would she feel if I say that she does not deserve to be popular. However, my word do not matter. They never did. I would always be out-voiced by the popular ones. Anyway, Diamond Tiara has it all! Fame, money, love. Anything she desires! Yet, she wants more! She should consider herself lucky for having both of her parents around. I wonder if her parents even discipline her. She probably acts like a perfect little princess around her parents! Blargh! That thought by itself disgusts me. However, her word do hurt me. Pegasi are supposed to fly! It is what differentiates them from the rest. Their ability to fly, defy gravity, soar above the clouds and feel the winds brush against their manes! They have free tickets to watch the sunset or sunrise. I can not, however, I do not even know what to consider myself anymore!

I open the door to my home. I pretend that my dad was here, just to cheer myself up. I eat the food my mother prepared for me. Boy, I was hungry after a day of crusading! A few minutes later, I go to bed. I try to sleep but I just... can not! I toss and turn. I decide to look out of the window. I see stars. They are very beautiful! They are like a masterpiece. If I ever get a chance to see Princess Luna in my dream again, I would praise her for just that! Wait, I can see a unicorn, a ball and a scooter in the stars! They say that it is just my imagination. True or not, I see them. They are like my personal movie. For free! Ah, what a beautiful night, even without stars. I can feel a cool, crisp gust of wind caress my cheeks. Tired, I sing to myself a lullaby.

Goodnight little filly

Time to go to bed

The night may be chilly

and you may be red

but just remember...

That I love you....

And I hope that my love will provide warmth for you

Ok. The last part did not rhyme. I made it myself so I guess that is alright. However, I genuinely smile after so many weeks.

I wake up the next morning with the sun shining upon me like the limelight on star. I sigh. I am alone again. It is a school holiday and Sweetie Belle is going to Manehattan with her sister, Apple Bloom is helping her sister and my mother is working overtime again. I do remember hearing her sneeze last night. See, this is what I mean by you should sleep before you get sick! That stubborn pony! I grab some cereal and pour milk into a bowl. Suddenly, I realise something. I may not be the smartest pony in the world. I may not be able to fly but...

I am not other pegasi, not my brothers, not friends, not my mother. You can throw me onto the ground but I will stand up, stronger. I am a pony who has loved ones by her side and will stand by their sides, no matter what! I am unique. I am one of best scooter riders. I am Scootaloo.

Comments

[mehperson]

Hi! Any constructive critique is appreciated!

[Chrome Masquerade]

Suddenly, I realise something. I may not be the smartest pony in the world. I may not be able to fly but...
                       I am not other pegasi, not my brothers, not friends, not my mother. You can throw me onto the ground but I will stand up, stronger. I am a pony who has loved ones by her side and will stand by their sides, no matter what! I am unique. I am one of best scooter riders. I am Scootaloo.

Nice! one day i hope that she does fly.

[Hopeless Appraisal]

I havent done this in months (since Knighty killed all thread notifications), but I had some time today and felt like digging AHA for a new story and author.  I have made some good friends there and you were the first one to appear, so here is a review, courtesy of the medium Authors Helping Authors.

Grammar gets a 7/10 for good punctuation in the little bit of dialoge and getting most all of the sentence structure right.  Inconsistent formatting was a problem, some misplaced or missing commas, a missing semicolon, some typos, but generally very good.

Pros
1) The story is tasteful in spite of being very unoriginal.  The introduction paragraph is great and draws you in when you get that far.  I liked the mix of dialogue and introspection when she is thinking over the bullying words.  Though you could definitely cut out "Scootaloo's point of view" in the first line and the "Here's why:" to avoid interrupting the reader's immersion.  It gets across fine without it.

2) It seems like you planned your end from the beginning, which is what you want readers to feel as they progress through the story.  It didn't feel sporadic in its progression even though you missed a lot of opportunities by making it so short.

3) Tons of improvement.  This one was short so I read Twilight's Banishment as well to get some context on your writing.  Scootaloo's Mind was far less blunt and more tasteful in it's presentation.  Dedicate more time and it could be really good.

Cons
1)  For short, introspective, slice of life fics like this, the introduction and ending should ideally be related like a thesis is to a conclusion.  Try starting the story with a conflict establishing statement structured just like the one you ended with.  That will draw the reader's mind back to the beginning and better frame the conclusion.  Doesn't have to be that way but it helps a lot.

2) The story description.  The first sentence doesnt make sense and there is no hook to draw readers in.  A description can build interest by raising a lot of questions, and is even better if you don't ask those questions in the description directly.   Try using the problem Scootaloo faces: "Am I a true Pegasus?"

3) Listing off her history from the start.  You have Scoots list off her family problems from the start and then, suddenly, the readers are far less interested in her because they know everything.  More interesting was the question raised of why Scootaloo's brothers haven't seen her since she went through puberty. This was mentioned when she talked about them being able to fly. It's more interesting because it is implied and we expect to be shown the answer later.  We are far more engaged when you hint at things and then work your way around to answer them.
You also sacrificed some of the most interesting parts of her life when she gets home, eats dinner, and goes to bed, all in just five sentences.  That would have been a good time to answer the brothers question and any other family things you want to hint at in the introduction.  Create more questions for more interest.

Thanks for a fun read.  If you wanted to give a return review then here: Forging Steel as yet unpublished.  I am not picky, though.

[mehperson]

4607871
Thanks. It helps a lot since I suck at writing before. I will make sure to not make these mistakes again. Also, I will review your story when I am not busy.

[Fire Spirit]

I really love the end that was pretty powerful

[mehperson]

4648475
Thanks! I gave a lot of thought in making that ending to be strong.

[Mischievous Blue]

Nice story. I literally felt my heart beat increase as Scootaloo started listing ways that she was not like other ponies, but like herself. This story is a real confidence builder. Keep up the good work, and don't worry, your writing will improve with time and practice

[mehperson]

4741482
Thanks . I never thought that one of the authors I read would comment .