Worthless

sevenofeleven #1 · Oct 14th, 2014 · · ·

Good stuff.
There are just a few minor issues
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They often ended in disaster.

what is they?
What ended in disaster?

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Once, we thought that we could earn our cutie marks by cooking. We accidentally set the curtains on fire as we set the fire too high.

we set the flames too high

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We ran around like headless chickens, not knowing what to do. We met a dead end. We turned around.

Too many sentences starting with the same word.

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All their feat are amazing.

All of their feats

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"Once, we thought that we could earn our cutie marks by cooking."
One thing that makes a story grab readers more is showing what is going on. You miss opportunities to show events.

The cooking part would have been better if you had a conversation between Silver spoons and Diamond Tiara about cooking. After that have them talk about what to cook and how to cook it. This will show their characters more. You can make these chars come alive with dialog.

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"One fateful day, however, we earned our cutie marks. We were so excited. We wanted to see what we could do. We learned that we could do absolutely nothing. We were angry and frustrated. We were nothing?! It was then that we noticed three blank flanks. Out of jealousy, we insulted them until they began to cry. It was then that we realised that it meant that we were brats. Despondently, we walked home."

Here is an example of how to make the first part more interesting.

One overcast day I got my cutie mark. We were on Horston street laughing at some of the cheap stuff they were selling. Some of these ponies have issues, most of that trash was worth only half or less of the bits they were asking for.

Silv suggested checking out Jay Jewelers. I saw this diamond tiara. It was so cool looking, I just had to wear it! I asked the salespony to let me wear it.
She gently placed the tiara on my head and did not mess up my hair.
It was kinda weird, I felt a tingling on the sides of my plot.
"Silv, what is going on?"
Her eyes went wide with surprise.
"Di, you finally got your Cutie Mark!"
I could not believe it, I have been waiting for that for like sooo long.
"What does it look like? Tell me tell me!" I demanded.
Silv waved her left hoof, "Chill Di, its not going anywhere. It looks like a Diamond Tiara."
"What, it looks like me?" I have never heard of a cutie mark that looked like its owner.
"Seriously? Di?" Silv started to laugh.

Apologies if I screwed up the first person thing, I don't do first person too often.
Also apologies on my lack of detail on Silver Spoons and Diamond Tiara.
I just want to show how a conversation here would be better than just saying "One day I got my cutie mark..."
Also maybe nicknames might be useful.

The paragraph at the start of this section could be more interesting if it was a series of conversations and action.
it is more work but you will get a more interesting story. It is interesting now but with the conversation, you have more chances to show what type of ponies your chars are.

mehperson

mehperson #2 · Oct 14th, 2014 · · ·

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5138942
Thanks. I appreciate it. I might change the parts that you pointed out. I kind of wrote this story in a rush.

ServingSpoon

ServingSpoon #3 · Oct 25th, 2014 · · ·

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I think this is the saddest thing I have red today.

and I read a a fic where Diamond actually went insane and killed Silver Spoon and held her in her arms apologizing and Silver smiled and told her "i's okay." Diamond begged her not to leave her and Silver swore she never would with her dying breath.

THEN I read one where Diamond died and the CMC had to help her crossover by sorting out some daddy issues.

but this.. this is so horribly sad that they think they have no value when there are seveal goo interpretations of what their cutiemarks meant.

and what about Diamond making Silver a mechanical wind up toy for her birthday? I can't do that NOW let alone when I was 6!

Mischievous Blue

Mischievous Blue #4 · Jan 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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I see how this is possible. I now have a new view on them.

Oak Sabletwist

Oak Sabletwist #5 · Apr 28th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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Hello! Honestly, I'm new to this whole business of critiquing, but I hope you'll find my review helpful. Since I'm a fairly new writer, I'm not sure how much my opinion is worth here, but I'll do my best!

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Worthless
Grammar Score: 6
Pros:
The concept for this story is brilliant; it's nice to see someone writing about both Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Most stories that I've read about Diamond Tiara and/or Silver Spoon never seem to focus on the friendship between them, so it was really nice to read about!
The ending was incredibly powerful and I loved the way you referred back to the title.
This story does a great job of transporting the reader into the mindset of the bully.
Cons:
There are a few issues with your grammar and spelling; though I'm hardly qualified to judge.
Your tense tends to alternate between past and present.
The flow of the story is slightly stilted at some points.

Notes Section:
This story is beautifully written! It's both powerful and occasionally comedic; a combination which isn't easy to get right. The relationship between Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon was well-developed and this whole piece was heartwarming overall. Well done and good luck with your future stories!

If it's not too much trouble, would you mind giving my story, The First Friendship a review? I would really appreciate it!