Scootaloo's mind is full of questions. But the question that sticks out is,' Am I truly a pegasus?'
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 12th May, 2014
- offline last seen Jan 25th, 2023
mehperson
Just a random brony writing random things. I am a female brony not pegasister. Please
mehperson
Joined 12th May, 2014 ·
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Hi! Any constructive critique is appreciated!
Nice! one day i hope that she does fly.
I havent done this in months (since Knighty killed all thread notifications), but I had some time today and felt like digging AHA for a new story and author. I have made some good friends there and you were the first one to appear, so here is a review, courtesy of the medium Authors Helping Authors.
Grammar gets a 7/10 for good punctuation in the little bit of dialoge and getting most all of the sentence structure right. Inconsistent formatting was a problem, some misplaced or missing commas, a missing semicolon, some typos, but generally very good.
Pros
1) The story is tasteful in spite of being very unoriginal. The introduction paragraph is great and draws you in when you get that far. I liked the mix of dialogue and introspection when she is thinking over the bullying words. Though you could definitely cut out "Scootaloo's point of view" in the first line and the "Here's why:" to avoid interrupting the reader's immersion. It gets across fine without it.
2) It seems like you planned your end from the beginning, which is what you want readers to feel as they progress through the story. It didn't feel sporadic in its progression even though you missed a lot of opportunities by making it so short.
3) Tons of improvement. This one was short so I read Twilight's Banishment as well to get some context on your writing. Scootaloo's Mind was far less blunt and more tasteful in it's presentation. Dedicate more time and it could be really good.
Cons
1) For short, introspective, slice of life fics like this, the introduction and ending should ideally be related like a thesis is to a conclusion. Try starting the story with a conflict establishing statement structured just like the one you ended with. That will draw the reader's mind back to the beginning and better frame the conclusion. Doesn't have to be that way but it helps a lot.
2) The story description. The first sentence doesnt make sense and there is no hook to draw readers in. A description can build interest by raising a lot of questions, and is even better if you don't ask those questions in the description directly. Try using the problem Scootaloo faces: "Am I a true Pegasus?"
3) Listing off her history from the start. You have Scoots list off her family problems from the start and then, suddenly, the readers are far less interested in her because they know everything. More interesting was the question raised of why Scootaloo's brothers haven't seen her since she went through puberty. This was mentioned when she talked about them being able to fly. It's more interesting because it is implied and we expect to be shown the answer later. We are far more engaged when you hint at things and then work your way around to answer them.
You also sacrificed some of the most interesting parts of her life when she gets home, eats dinner, and goes to bed, all in just five sentences. That would have been a good time to answer the brothers question and any other family things you want to hint at in the introduction. Create more questions for more interest.
Thanks for a fun read. If you wanted to give a return review then here: Forging Steel as yet unpublished. I am not picky, though.
4607871
Thanks. It helps a lot since I suck at writing before. I will make sure to not make these mistakes again. Also, I will review your story when I am not busy.
I really love the end that was pretty powerful
4648475
Thanks! I gave a lot of thought in making that ending to be strong.
Nice story. I literally felt my heart beat increase as Scootaloo started listing ways that she was not like other ponies, but like herself. This story is a real confidence builder. Keep up the good work, and don't worry, your writing will improve with time and practice
4741482
. I never thought that one of the authors I read would comment 
.
Thanks