- Member Since 30th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 27th, 2018
sparkypchu
I write to explore the stories inside.
sparkypchu
Joined 30th Dec, 2013 ·
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Soooooo....
- There are a few confusions with the wording you use: there is no such thing as "forehooves". There's forelegs and hooves, I made this mistake myself once. (Just for my personal interest: are you a native speaker?) The same thing with: front right foreleg
- You use the italics to make you character's thoughts visible. In a 1st person narration this should only be done for thoughts at this exact moment. Since you use the past tense to narrate, the thoughts in italics should be in present tense, because they quote the character's thoughts at this very moment in time. Your 1st person narration covers the later added comments of your narration.
- the quote-box in your text: I don't think you should do that. Italics are meant for occasions like this, while the quote-box... throws off the reading flow. Just imagine a box in a real book, wouldn't look good.
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The OC acts as if he wasn't even a pony. Never been familiar to Equestrian religion? Seems kinda unusual for a pony living there and working for the MoP.
But apart from those mostly technical things I think this is a decent story. I've definitely seen far far worse. So does this get continued (because it says "incomplete") or is it a one-shot?
4606988- I'm assuming that you're asking if I'm a native English speaker. I am, but I'm no grammarian and sometimes I do use the wrong word. In this case, it's purely my unfamiliarity with writing for ponies. I'm assuming that when I was originally writing I thought that "forehooves" may have been another way of saying the front pair of pony legs. Is there a term for the front legs specifically?
- I think I know the parts you're talking about. There are a few of the italic parts that are in the wrong tense. I need to edit those. They are actually remnants of earlier drafts of the story where it was all going to be in one tense. After a bit of rewriting I changed the story and made the two tense possible. The past tense being reflection and narration while present tense was, well, present thoughts.
- I just felt like it was the best way to present that text. As if it were a message on a computer monitor or piece of paper. While it wouldn't be ideal for a book, that wasn't my focus as this is just a little short story on FiMfiction. I also didn't want it to get confused with the narrator's thoughts as those are already in italics.
- This is a very good point. To be truly honest, I just wanted him to pray to the Princesses as ponies would 200 years later. It's also the fact that I'm unaware of Equestrian religions myself. This, of course, isn't a topic brought up in the show and I really didn't want to try to insert human religions into Equestria. It's possible that there isn't any religion or that they're too taboo to discuss, but I just went with the route of the narrator being completely ignorant to their existence. That he was raised in a city with many different ponies (with possibly different cultures and religions) and that he was raised by either non-religious or extremely busy parents. It's also possible that in his moment of panic he just couldn't think of any religions and just thought of the highest power he could, the Princesses.
-Thank you for calling the story decent. I became a little disheartened when the like-dislike ratio balanced like a see-saw. It actually does get continued. Originally it was just going to be a one-shot where the narrator got vaporized, but I thought harder on it and actually divided the story into the three parts. I am working on the second part currently and will keep some of the things you mentioned in mind.
My only complaint is that the term Minister gets redundant fast.
4726264 Agreed. I just wanted to make it sound like the narrator thought of them as some sort of authority. Like even in his private thoughts he wants to use the word Minister because that's what they are to him. Also the fact that he worked for the Ministry of Peace so he would already have it ingrained in himself to say Minister Pie over Pinkie. That being said, I found the use of the word Minister slightly more than necessary. I tried to use pronouns where I could. Sorry.
This line strikes a nerve with me. Probably because I don't like kids, or basically anyone in my family.
4761998 I'm sorry to hear that. I was just trying to show time progression. Also, they aren't necessarily going to be children. They would be whatever age the felt happiest in life. The point of that line was that it had been long enough that many generations (of his sister's bloodline) have also died.
4764236
Yeah, I understand, and it works. It's just making me not want to go to the afterlife.
That seems like a good and unique story also I Like a small crossover with pink eyes