I'm a Scottish Doctor Who fan that discovered Dr Whooves and since then joined the Herd. you can also expect a ton stories around my Doctor from the MLP universe rather than our own
After an event yet to be known, DR Junior (son of The Doctor) must learn to live in a world where Ponies are the dominant species, with no way back his only option is to become part of their society and blend in the best way he can but with constant threats occurring left and right and a lonely Princess to watch over from day one, you wonder where he gets the drive from (romance exists partially in final Episodes/Chapters)
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I think the doctor's personality is a bit off. Besides that its perfect!
Wow. There are so many errors here. I'm sorry, I really did try, but after the 3rd paragraph I gave up reading.
Your story is in serious need of an editor. The first paragraph is multiple run on sentences, you forgot to capitalize several sentence beginnings, and the way you write dialogue is incorrect.
This should be two sentences:
This should end in a question mark. When someone asks a question, the sentence ends in a question mark to signify the asking of a question.
This is a run on sentence, as well as clunky grammar. Should be reworded like so:
You cannot hear pain, you hear someone in pain. Also, "Pain" should not be capitalized.
Twilight should be capitalized because it's a proper noun (name). There should be a period after "crash".
For every dialogue you write, if the words spoken does not end with a "!" or "?" then it should end with a comma. Like so:
Also, Spike is a name, thus capitalized.
There is more, but that is the gist of your grammar issues. The rest of your story is riddled with these, so either correct them by yourself (which I do not recommend, because 90% of people suck at editing their own writing), or get an editor.
Lastly, your OC uses the F-word. Now, this is your character and your story, but I'd like to point out that in Doctor Who, there is no cursing. At most a "Damn" or "Hell", but no F-words. Heck, Torchwood only used the word about once or twice per season, so using it in the very beginning seems odd to me.
Lastly, I would recommend the "alternate universe" tag, because the characters seem to act different, and the 1st episode of the show has been changed, thus indicating an alternate universe from the show.
I wish you good luck on your endeavor, and hope you listen to my advice. Have a nice day.
Wait a minute, I'm sorry, but the SON OF THE DOCTOR!?!?! If this character is not interesting and well balanced, then it might become a mary sue.
I am holding on my decision to up/down vote depending on the situation, so... yeah.
An interesting start. The only problem I see is the grammar.
You might want to ask permission from the artist if you are able to use that picture as your cover. Just a friendly tip.
Really don't like this, especially because it isn't the Doctor, instead you give us a bratty son!
i thank you all for your input and yes i do have bad grammar and i write these to improve on that and i will improve what is required, plus just to clarify this Character is as Mary sue as the MLP characters themselves maybe just a bit more considering he is in fairness a Time Lord and is no more powerful than Rainbow Dash (for now). i can confirm before i publish part 2 that he does not defeat Nightmare Moon ALONE! in fact he only ever defeats specific villains even still he has one of the mane six or a princess with him. still i thank you again for your inputs and praise additionally i respect your disagreements how ever i do not have to listen to you unless it is to do with the structure and this may sound childish or cheesy or what ever, the character does have a back story but it has not been fully written as this version is the forth version of himself when the character's story begins at his third in the universe.
4503471 and one for you, wait till it's complete then comment if he is bratty or not, if you can't wait go read it on fanfiction.net same title under The TARDIS Courier.
now that is out off the way here comes part two. and please put up with the grammar it took me 2 weeks to sort it to what it is now and in my defense i was half asleep while writing part 1 and 2.
You know what? Your OC sucks.
He is the 7th element, became an "integral" part of the first episode, turned Twilight into a fangirl, and is the Doctor without being the Doctor. You give us a Time Lord with a police box TARDIS who's an OC son of the main character of Doctor Who. Nothing distinguishes him from the Doctor, other than what you say in the description. He's not an "OC" but a blatant ripoff of the Doctor.
Your grammar and spelling is terrible.
It is spelled MAnticore, not Manticor
Applejack is one word, you don't capitalize the "J". It's also an alcoholic drink, so it has a definitive correct spelling.
Your OC curses again. Congratulations, you've cursed more times than Doctor Who (Series 1-7), Torchwood (Series 1-2) and MLP combined. He freaking hogs the spotlight, taking Twilight's role, which I might add, is THE FREAKING MAIN CHARACTER. This is it. This is the worst Doctor Whooves story on this site. It's even worse than "The Son of the Doctor" which has TWO OCs, and throws logic out the window in the first paragraph.
Downvoted for grammar and spelling issues. Downvoted for an OC who is a blatant ripoff of the Doctor (probably 10th with a little 11th) who hogs the spotlight, becomes the 7th element of harmony, and screws up the entire first two episodes of the show. Take my advice. Rewrite this entire mess, or delete it.
Your OC isn't good. He's not original. He's neither perfect, nor special, nor great in any way. Do you know how many OCs are the seventh element of harmony? Too many to count. It's been done. It's been done hundreds of times. He's a mary sue.
Admitting it will help slightly. It is only the first step. Just rewrite it. It's not hard. Just spend 20 minutes and spruce it up. It's simple.
Goodbye, not going to read this ever again unless you have a major rewrite. And by major, I mean fix 95% of grammar/spelling errors, remove the 7th element of harmony nonsense, scrap/rewrite the entire second chapter, and then get an editor and a proofreader. We have a group on this site for that. We have several. Please use them. Just search for it in the search bar. You can probably get an editor in less than a day.
And thus, I bid adieu to the ~100th story to make me cringe internally.
4507547
If you know he is a mary sue, why don't you try fixing him? Make him better? Create a new, less mary sue-ish OC?
Also, he is not overpowered. He is unnecessary. We know the main 6 can stop Nightmare Moon by themselves, so what does he contribute. NOTHING. He's just there to "enjoy" adventures and take a chunk of the glory that rightly belongs to the other characters.
You know what? Never mind. I'm out. Don't bother replying if you aren't going to listen. I'm leaving. You will never hear from me again.
4507823 look i see your point but like i said i was half asleep when i wrote this and i had to start somewhere, i needed a plot device other than (he can't go back because of some dimensional crap because there are no time lords and to have a reason to stick with the cast), his name is the doctor because his real name is "what ever the doctors real name is" Jr, his title was The Professor but he changed it due to a certain key character im involving later, his TARDIS is the standard blue box because the ship it's self changed it to look like a familiar object in earths history (Doc can change it but he doesn't care about the appearance) and finally he curses because he regenerated into a child and was raised on earth with is biology changed and he has a short temper, like my self.
so i will rewrite the first two episode after two things, 1 My Exams and 2 once i have finished the plot for season one. other than that do what you bloody want.
and on one more note, i said he was as Mary sue as the cannon characters meaning that he is as vulnerable as the mane 6 (though with discord in the season finally, i can't discord or he'll go all discord hooves which i can't do but I've yet to explain that).
he is not there to hog the spotlight this was just what the actual Doctor would do and why do you think i made him adopt The Doctors promise.
but i thank you for reading it anyway.