• Member Since 1st Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 21st, 2015

Fluffercry


Hello there, I've been a fan of MLP for a while now and finally decided that I should start getting involved with the fandom. My favorite pony is Fluttershy and...not sure what else to say here :P

E
Source

When Fluttershy finds out that Discord never had a birthday party, she convinces the others to help her prepare a party that would be perfect for the spirit of chaos himself.

Chapters (5)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 42 )

I was drawn in by the cover picture. There's just something about it that appeals to me :raritywink:

As for the story, you really need to start a new paragraph whenever a new character starts talking. It will be much easier to read that way.

4387107 Thank you :twilightsmile: I'll go back and fix everything at a later time.

I like the concept of the story, but the formatting needs some very serious work. Be sure to keep the paragraphs a medium length at the most and specify which character is speaking and when. :twilightsmile:

4387647 :twilightblush: This is a first. I've posted fanfics on different sites but hardly got any tips for writing. :pinkiehappy: I'm gonna have to do some work!

hmmm... Giving this a well-earned chance, because the idea gives me a good vibe :twilightsmile:

Oh dear, I hope he doesn't ruin the surprise.

Nice, but please keep in mind, you should change paragraphs every time the speaker changes. I'll demonstrate by re-paragraphing one of your paragraphs above:

“Fluttershy…” Discord uttered weakly.
Fluttershy raised her head slowly, wiping away the tears from her face with her hoof. “A-are you okay?” she said trying to hold back the tears.
“Why…?”
“Why wh-“
Before she could finish, Discord started tickling the Pegasus belly with his tail. “Why did you leave me here to die of boredom, you silly mare?”
Fluttershy rolled over to her sides not able to fight back. “Hahaha you s-scared me,” she laughed.
“I’m sorry but today has been the most uninteresting, dull, lifeless day I’ve ever experienced. I needed to do something to liven it up.” The Draconequus stopped to allow the mare to catch her breath.

What you've got is what we call a "wall of text". It's hard to read and diminishes the emotional impact, particularly in a sequence like this where there's a rapid emotional shift. Every time the speaker changes, you should change paragraphs, and action performed by a speaker goes in the same paragraph as their speech (so "Why wh-" goes by itself and then Discord tickling Fluttershy goes on the next line because it's action performed by Discord, not Fluttershy, and therefore belongs with his next dialogue line.)

(Note that I'm not double-spacing the paragraphs so as not to eat your whole comments page, but of course, paragraphs should be double-spaced just like you are doing when you do break paragraphs already.)

I've read so many overmelodramatic stories where for no particularly good reason Discord tries to kill himself or is constantly getting injured by things that realistically shouldn't hurt him much at all that you almost had me with your twist there, but I'm a speed reader and the whole thing being squished meant I had no time to really react to the possibility that Discord was dead or injured before he revealed it was a prank, so doing the paragraphing correctly doesn't just make the story easier to read, it also makes the emotions you're trying to convey stronger by letting them linger longer with the reader before they hit the next line. I also appreciate greatly that this was a prank because it was totally in character for Discord to do that, whereas with the overly melodramatic fics I've read, not so much. I suspect Fluttershy's going to have a very hard time keeping this party secret, though. :-)

4399440 Ah, thanks for that. :twilightblush: Going to edit these two chapters today...since I have a bit of writers block and can't think of what to do with the next chapter. But yes, Fluttershy is going to have a hard time.

Poor Discord. :fluttercry:

Aww discord....this is getting good please update soon ^_^

I need to finish this. Kinda surprise with the amount of likes this received.:derpyderp1:

Discord to the rescue!

Awwww so cute, I love it, more please!

This is like Pinkie's birthday now.:derpytongue2:

I love this! Tell me you're working on the next chapter!:applecry:

4412831 Taking a break for now :twilightsmile: but the last chapter will be up some time tomorrow. I'm glad you like it.

Fluttershy yay! I can't wait to read it!:pinkiehappy:

NO. MY FEELS. WHY.
YOU HURT MY FEELS.

you amazing person

4415727 I'm sorry. The next fic will be better. :pinkiesmile:

I like it! But you NEED to put italics and clean up your pronouns and verbs. You should get to work on fixing some of those unclosed quotation marks, like "----- Blah Blah... YouHAVE to put them there or it ont make any sense. Now I'm not critizing you, only helping. I needed MUCH help editing my first few chapters of my story Unexpected, but after that you only get better and better! Now I have finished Unexpected, written a oneshot AppleJack's Prank, and now I am currently working on my new story Pinkie's Adventures to the Fourth Wall and Beyond~!:twistnerd:

4428397 Thanks, I appreciate the help. I wrote a few fics here and there but I never actually had anyone comment on the grammar til I came here; so I really need this. :twilightsmile:

4428421 If you want I can edit it for you~:pinkiesmile:

4428425 Sure :twilightblush: I'm kinda afraid I'll mess it up somehow.

"“I’m sorry but today has been the most uninteresting, dull, lifeless day I’ve ever experienced. I needed to do something to liven it up.” The Draconequus stopped to allow the mare to catch her breath."

This paragraph is repeated by mistake.

" “Good morning, Fluttershy. I’d like o-“"

I think you meant for him to greet Pinkie here? :)

4429624 Oops didn't notice that. :twilightblush: Thank you.

Comment posted by SiSaDAL deleted May 22nd, 2014
Comment posted by Fluffercry deleted May 22nd, 2014

4428439 How? Just send me the text. I'll read over it, change it, send it back and you could just delete what's there when you go to edit the chapters and pt it there, one chapter by one.:raritywink:

You would think that the Mane Six would learn something from Party of One..,

Chaotic Ponyville? As long as the other inhabitants don't mind too much and Discord doesn't screw with their heads again, I'd imagine they'd be OK with it,

Figures Discord was faking, the guy is a draconequus, his unique body structure alone should help him avoid hurting himself and short of the element of Harmony, there is practically nothing that can fase him.

4440395

Yesm they should just tell Discord they have a special something planned, and that it would be nice if he waited for the surprise instead of ruining it ahead of time.

Some grammatical issues, but very cute overall!

Really good for your first, sweet and I loved how it was a very chaotic Party of One. :pinkiecrazy: I really like your writing style.

:heart: I loved it :pinkiesmile: was sooo cute. The ending was amazing. You should make another one that takes place a while after this lol. too CUTE :pinkiehappy: :heart:

4457060 try the elements of harmony ,a bass cannon and lots of boozes

I'm curious what Discord was going to do with his tounge?

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!