James Brown, a pilot and pony hater, wakes up and finds himself in Equestria as a pony and is none to pleased. As he continues to find a way back home he will come to make some friends with the things he most despises, ponies.
Cancelled because it was total SHIT!
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So you start off complaining about the reactions of characters in Human in Equestria stories, and go on to have your character react in a very boring way. It's all just very straightforward stuff - he wakes up, meets one of the main characters, realizes he is a pony, is shocked for a paragraph, then tells his entire life story to them (after telling them their own names).
Having all of the Mane Six there at once is awkward... You have a total of seven characters there, and that's a lot to have in one scene. They're not even all necessary. I'm not even sure where this is taking place, but why does Twilight need to call in all of her friends just because they found one new pony?
I've seen a few stories like this about someone who hates the show turning into a pony, and the protagonists always strike me as unbelievably pathetic. Especially in this case, since he's an adult. Doesn't he have better things to do than "read up on" a show he hates so that he can criticize it?
meh ill read it even tho i dont like haters in a pony filled world
When I personally think of James Brown, I think of this guysleepisfortherich.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/james-brown-3.jpg
412942 lol same here
412891
Ignoring the story for a second, I usually at least try to give a fair chance to most things before hating them. For instance, I read the first two Twilight books before realizing they never got better at all.
Moving back to the story, it doesn't flow well. Things just sorta... happen, no real segue between them.
Also, as usual from an HiE fic, the protagonist is only too happy to divulge everything about himself to a group of cartoon ponies he's never met.
And finally, the hater in Equestria shtick never seems to work out as well as people imagine it would. I'd love it to, but it doesn't.
Feel free to disregard anything said in this comment.
412891 do you just critique random hies when they pop up? Not complaining just curious
412976
I occasionally look at stories if the summary looks interesting, or if it looks like it needs work, or if I'm just bored. That and writer's block. I need a way to procrastinate.
413011 procrastination: hard work may pay off later, but laziness always pays off now.
Seriously though, your system works, if your story is any kind of example. More power to ya.
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If this story is retarded and you know it, clap you hands!
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If this story is retarded and you know it, clap your hands!
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If this story is retarded, and you really want people to know it, if this story is retarded clap your hands!
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Its good but the part wheres he talks about his life, I think it needs to be revised. Perhaps you could say that in the beginning;
'My name is James Brown, I was born in blah blah blah'
Like that. Interesting though
No. . . .just. . . no.
no
I honestly don't see why people hate this story so much. It is an interesting concept but presented a bit poorly.
This story has a lot of potential but, like JasonTheHuman said, it lacks emotion.
When I was reading what the characters said, I didn't really get a feel for their voice and the conversations went by really fast. Whenever I read what James was saying, he had a monotone voice. Try to extend the conversation between people a bit and add more emotion to their speech. I did like how pinkie pie acted in character when she said "Okie-homie?".
Again, all you need is a little bit of work and this story will be nice. Just don't let all of these people get you down; I would hate to see a writer quit just because of negative feedback. After all, our pony overlords taught us to love and tolerate.
- Hatred towards ponies for no logical reason. "i hate them because i just do, ok?"
- Stumbling on all the mane six at once, for no reason they happened to be around and interested on the protagonist.
- "Tragic" backstory for your human... plus, the mane six going from "grief" to acceptance in seconds, "Oh, your parents and everybody you cared for are dead... but it's ok now."
- A snake wrapped around a plane for a cutie mark? seriously? A cutie mark, a typical pony feature, that depicts a machine that they never ever have seen before and do not exist on their world?
- Twilight taking in a total stranger who happens to be a potentially dangerous creature from another dimension, and a male... yea, right.
Sorry, but I can't really see a satisfying story arch from there on, just the routine "Human Mary Sue who took out Celestia" arch... not my type of thing, really.
412891
It is meant to poke fun at the other stories. That is why I am using those cliches. All I'm missing is "The sun was shining" or some shit like that, I do this cause I want to not to prove anything, anyway I figured this would suck. And its called Irony, ever heard of it.
412942
I'm sorry who is this a singer, I didn't think ahead about that one. I'm a dumbass.
413011
I seriously thought, "This story sounds like he can hype something and not deliver." and I was right, I thought that people would hate it and they did. HOLY SHIT I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE. *ALL ABOARD THE HYPE TRAIN*
413079
"Freeze, everybody clap your hands. Come on now."
414017
I'll work with Little Dashie next friday, If you don't know who he is check this out
417504 I am far too paranoid to trust any links.. sorry :3
417514
Ya think its a rick roll, its called the Life of Tragedy series.
412942
Originally I was going to name him James Carlson. I was thinking more along the lines of Charlie Brown for the name Brown.
The story main idea was to show pony hater in worst situation he possible be happen. The story told straight and rushed. *Spoilers* the nightmares of Celestia killing his family it pretty unexplained (but hey, it's a dream
). Everypony has a point too and I must agreed with them.