we don't know how or why we are here but you can bet we are gonna have fun, kick flank, and take names, and maybe find love.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 4th May, 2014
- offline last seen April 24th
Fang the changeling
Someone who will try and hope to better there skills
Fang the changeling
Joined 4th May, 2014 ·
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Who are these guys ? No backstory, no description, no dialogues explaining who they are or why a reader should care about them.
Why don't they give a fuck about what is happening to them ? They wake up in an alien world, in alien bodies, with no means to let friends and familly know what happened to them and they don't give a fuck and are like " Yay Equestria, it's pony hugging time LOL ! "
Hmm... A Changeling cover image, but no "Changeling" tag. Said image has hands, but no "Anthro" tag. The description lists the protagonists as Bronies, but no "HiE" tag.
...I'm confused.
Not downvoting this story, but you haven't convinced me to actually read it, either.
4371595 Okay i understand that the story is flawed but this is the first time I have done this, so please just ... give me HELPFUL words only please.
4371972 If you look at some of the HiE storys then you might notice that they possibly notice that they don't have it. As for the pic that will have a variant later in the story, but thank you for the comment.
4371981 It's called Constructive Criticism. The words actually ARE Helpful. They wouldn't be if said words were:"This story sux man you can't rite at al man."
I find myself repeating the same message. Be a LITTLE Realistic.First off. No backstories whatsover. You just throw the reader into the middle with no known explanation. This can be done, but only if it's executed correctly. And sadly, it hasn't been.
Secondly. Three dudes wake up in equestria. Okay. But no reaction? Nothing? "Yea man I just woke up in the body of a changeling and I know exactly what to do and how to control everything." Seriously? Everyone INSTANTLY knows how to use their respective powers? Nobody is the LEAST bit shocked that maybe "Hey, we're in an alien world trapped in the bodies of candy colored equines."
Thirdly. "Everyone knows how to use their abilities with no problems whatsoever straight from the get-go." Right. Yeah. No. Sorry, I don't believe that for a second. In any way, shape, case or form, it isn't gonna happen. That's like getting an extra arm to grow from your head and instantly having all the dexterity of your dominant hand. It'll take months, maybe years, of practice before you could even do BASIC tasks.
You had a decent idea, But I can't really say I enjoyed this.
I just... I can't...
Yeah. Okay.
"Let's just pull a bucking Gatling Gun out of our Arse because magic."
Okay. The amount of problems in this chapter was so massive I can't even properly fathom it.
1.You kind of added your own elements, which is a cool idea, but you didn't explain them. At all. Also, I'm going to assume the chestplates are akin to the Mane 6's Necklaces. (and Twilights Tiara) But why, oh ,WHY did you just have to toss a gatling gun in there? Some kind of elemental darkness beam would have been reasonable, but whipping out a gatling gun would just be ridiculous.
2. Since when do changelings suddenly become Sonic and use the Fire Spindash? They don't. OC or not, That was just out of left field.
3. Conjuring up swords and shields despite only one of the characters being a Unicorn. Though I suppose a changeling COULD get away with it... It just doesn't make any sense. I get it. You wanna be creative. But you're going about it the wrong way.
4. Grammar. 'nuff said.
Yes. Indeed.
Oh, damn. Yeah. This is going to be fun to review real quick.
For starters, my first impression with this story is it has no focus whatsoever. I mean, you straight up say in the introduction that they don't know how or why they are in Equestria, but they don't really give a damn as long as they can blow things the fuck up. In addition, you also are vague as fuck about the description. The description is supposed to describe the story and tell the reader in a short paragraph or two what they are about to read. If I had to guess what this story is based off the title, description, and cover image, I would know nothing other than it's another shite HiE.
Well, against my better judgement, I believe it's time to dive into the first chapter and see what else is fucked with this story.
Ok, into the first chapter now, and Space Christ Almighty this is full of holes. I've seen less holes and more organization in a Bangkok orgy.
Your first problem is the first paragraph or two in general. These are flawed in concept and in execution. The most immediately noticeable issue would be that you drop us literally kicking and screaming into the middle of nowhere. We don't know a thing about any of these characters whatsoever. We don't even know their names. How the hell are we supposed to get attached to three random, appearingly bland main characters that we know nothing about and have no defining traits?
The OC's designs are pretty rough too. Granted they at least aren't freaking alicorns, but they still seem very tryhardy.
Also, your characters don't act like real people. They act like cardboard cut outs of characters that no they are in a story. Do you know what me, any sensible person, and hopefully you would do if we actually woke up in pony bodies? Freak the fuck out. That's not even taking into account that it would take a good bit of practice to make walking on all fours easy. I think the biggest moment of this is when your character, out of fucking nowhere, just "knows" what they are supposed to do. I call bullshit. How did he know? Did he read the script? What's on your phone there, main character? Is that the script?
Then there's your problems with the mechanics. I don't know if this is just the next trend in bad writing, but I've seen at least three fics in the past two days that run into this problem: you lack descriptiveness in your writing. Your job is not to tell the reader what happened. It is to paint a visual picture with your words of what happened. I'll give an example from your own work:
While that does vaguely tell us what Shadow looked like, it is very dull and boring to read. Instead, try wording like so:
See what I mean? Using descriptive vocabulary rather than just telling us the boring nuts and bolts of what is happening engages your reader further.
Anyways, that's all I've got to say for now. As is, this fic is an F.
4372005
Someone else's failure to tag their story properly doesn't excuse your own error. If your story involves humans, it needs a Human tag.
4371981
Capitalize the first letter in your story description, the same way you would the first letter of any sentence. Also, I want you to take a look at the phrase "take name's" and see if you can figure out what's wrong with it.
great story bro keep it coming!!!