Darkness. That's all that could be seen, moments began to feel like minutes then hours. In all honesty I never thought it would end until...
"AHHHHH!!!!" several high pitched screams woke me up and not even half a minute later I herd a perfect soprano to the left to me and a neon green unicorn with book and quill as a mark rolling on the ground, holding himself in pain. I looked over and saw what looked like a perfect cross of bat and pony. From what I could see he had fangs, the wings of a bat, bat ears with the patch of fur on them, I could also see that he had fangs in his mouth and I could see his eyes were a dark blue and a slit. Believe it or not I somehow know them they were my friends and they had become their OC's Shadow Fall and Dicton. I even knew what we had to do and why we were here to.
"Come on guys, get up we have to go. Get up." I said as I got up off the ground. After I said that Shadow Fall looked my way and I saw his face and he had a look of confusion and then understanding. I looked at Dicton and helped him up and all this time I was amazed at how easy walking like this was. After Dicton got up and shot a glare at Shadow Fall, he in turn smirked at Dicton. I shook my head and rolled my eyes at the two of them and we began to walk toward the source of the screams. As we began to walk i noticed that I could see in the dark, well everything looked less dark, like if you turned off a rooms light in the day time.
As we got closer to the river we could see that the girls, the mane six were crossing on the back of the sea serpent. I pulled the other two over to a bank of the river. I decided to get a look at myself since I had no idea what I looked like, and I looked like a normal changeling, well except my eyes were normal eyes, and red. I looked over to Shadow and Dicton, told them to wait and jumped into the river, as I slipped deeper into the water I pictured my self, but with a serpent tail, a fin from the base of my neck to the end of my back, wide webbed fins with fingers, gills, and eyes that would make it easy to see in water. After I had the image in my mind I saw red flames surround me and looked at my body and saw that it had worked. After I took a breath and found I could breath normally I swam upward to get the other two. When I got up there and poked my head up I found Shadow had flown over to the other side.
I shook my head and had a smile on my face as I swam over to Dicton and he got in the water and held my neck as I swam over to Shadow and Dicton got out of the water and stood by him. As I got out I switched out of my form and walked over. As we walked we saw that we were catching up to the girls. After Rainbow dash had brought the bridge over and fix it, the girls crossed. After they crossed Shadow and I flew Dicton as he walked over to the other side. After we crossed we found the tracks of the girls.
"Hay guys they went this way, come on." Dicton said. shadow cleared his throat and pointed to the old castle of Celestia and Luna. I passed them laughing at their antics Dicton had a sour look and Shadow had one of satisfaction as we walked to the castle. When we got there we hid behind the castle doors. A little after we hid Twilight tried to light the Elements of Harmony with just magic with out the reason she needs to use: Friendship. Just after she thought she had done it she realized that she was in a mini twister of purple energy. When the girls saw this they ran and tried to help, but it was too late. After the girls ran around to try and find where Twilight disappeared to it was Pinkie Pie that found a tower with light blazing from it, as they all ran to find Twilight, we waited a few minutes before we followed them to make sure they could not hear us coming.
When we got there and hid behind the door again, and what we saw was shocking to say the least the girls elements were powering up and fired a blast of rainbow energy at Nightmare Moon. Also just like in the show she showed fear. But this is where things got bad after the girls passed out after using the power of the elements for the first time, Nightmare walked out smirking but she had no armor and her hair and tail were normal hair, but other than that she was the same. She began to laugh at the victory she thought she had but that was NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I smirked at Shadow and Dicton and they got the message, I moved a way from the door and pictured a rat in my mind and was again surrounded by red flames and the would looked much bigger and saw Shadow fly up and hid in the dark roof, Dicton used his magic to make himself invisible and crept in the room, I scurried into the room.
All that happened as the mare was still laughing, my god what is up with her. After she finely stopped she was now chuckling and in her state of ignorance and arrogance I ran forward, jumped and changed in mid air giving her a right hook to the left side of her face. After I landed saw her face in a state of shock and disbelief at what just happened. I looked up and saw Shadow fly down and implant her face into the ground. After she got up and had a look that said she was pissed. Just then Dicton deactivated his spell in front of her and delivered left and right one after the other in a frenzy of blows, pushing her back. I don't know if I really did see it but i swear I saw blood come from her nose and mouth.
Who are these guys ? No backstory, no description, no dialogues explaining who they are or why a reader should care about them.
Why don't they give a fuck about what is happening to them ? They wake up in an alien world, in alien bodies, with no means to let friends and familly know what happened to them and they don't give a fuck and are like " Yay Equestria, it's pony hugging time LOL ! "
Hmm... A Changeling cover image, but no "Changeling" tag. Said image has hands, but no "Anthro" tag. The description lists the protagonists as Bronies, but no "HiE" tag.
...I'm confused.
Not downvoting this story, but you haven't convinced me to actually read it, either.
4371595 Okay i understand that the story is flawed but this is the first time I have done this, so please just ... give me HELPFUL words only please.
4371972 If you look at some of the HiE storys then you might notice that they possibly notice that they don't have it. As for the pic that will have a variant later in the story, but thank you for the comment.
4371981 It's called Constructive Criticism. The words actually ARE Helpful. They wouldn't be if said words were:"This story sux man you can't rite at al man."
I find myself repeating the same message. Be a LITTLE Realistic.First off. No backstories whatsover. You just throw the reader into the middle with no known explanation. This can be done, but only if it's executed correctly. And sadly, it hasn't been.
Secondly. Three dudes wake up in equestria. Okay. But no reaction? Nothing? "Yea man I just woke up in the body of a changeling and I know exactly what to do and how to control everything." Seriously? Everyone INSTANTLY knows how to use their respective powers? Nobody is the LEAST bit shocked that maybe "Hey, we're in an alien world trapped in the bodies of candy colored equines."
Thirdly. "Everyone knows how to use their abilities with no problems whatsoever straight from the get-go." Right. Yeah. No. Sorry, I don't believe that for a second. In any way, shape, case or form, it isn't gonna happen. That's like getting an extra arm to grow from your head and instantly having all the dexterity of your dominant hand. It'll take months, maybe years, of practice before you could even do BASIC tasks.
You had a decent idea, But I can't really say I enjoyed this.
Ok, into the first chapter now, and Space Christ Almighty this is full of holes. I've seen less holes and more organization in a Bangkok orgy.
Your first problem is the first paragraph or two in general. These are flawed in concept and in execution. The most immediately noticeable issue would be that you drop us literally kicking and screaming into the middle of nowhere. We don't know a thing about any of these characters whatsoever. We don't even know their names. How the hell are we supposed to get attached to three random, appearingly bland main characters that we know nothing about and have no defining traits?
The OC's designs are pretty rough too. Granted they at least aren't freaking alicorns, but they still seem very tryhardy.
Also, your characters don't act like real people. They act like cardboard cut outs of characters that no they are in a story. Do you know what me, any sensible person, and hopefully you would do if we actually woke up in pony bodies? Freak the fuck out. That's not even taking into account that it would take a good bit of practice to make walking on all fours easy. I think the biggest moment of this is when your character, out of fucking nowhere, just "knows" what they are supposed to do. I call bullshit. How did he know? Did he read the script? What's on your phone there, main character? Is that the script?
Then there's your problems with the mechanics. I don't know if this is just the next trend in bad writing, but I've seen at least three fics in the past two days that run into this problem: you lack descriptiveness in your writing. Your job is not to tell the reader what happened. It is to paint a visual picture with your words of what happened. I'll give an example from your own work:
While that does vaguely tell us what Shadow looked like, it is very dull and boring to read. Instead, try wording like so:
See what I mean? Using descriptive vocabulary rather than just telling us the boring nuts and bolts of what is happening engages your reader further.
Anyways, that's all I've got to say for now. As is, this fic is an F.