When a human in Equestria attempts suicide, the ponies who shunned him are forced to care for him in Ponyville Hospital.
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I wonder what Discord's game is.
Is it possible he's actually a good guy in this scenario? Sure his method is a little underhanded and he's probably enjoying it, but he's seemingly poking and prodding just enough for something to happen.
This story started out fantastic, but ever since the rewrite, we only get sporadic chapters with too little content to maintain a line of thought without having to skim over previous parts. Even then, all we get is what was made explicit in the prequel.
It's getting really hard to read, Vlad.
Can't help but wonder where Celestia is during all of this... assuming Discord hasn't done something with her.
4701054 Hard to write, too.
I need to sit down and write out a concrete plan for what I want to happen. A clear storyboard, or timeline, or whatever.
You know what? Fuck it, I'll do it now.
4682349 Either talk to Celestia about what's happened or the more likely approach attempt to kill himself again. I wonder what Twilight's going to do now. Just because I hate her in this story doesn't mean I don't want to see what happens to her. I wonder if Twilight will attack Jason or with all the crap he put up with he'll fight back.
4701044 Good? Evil? Discord is beyond these. He cares only for one thing:
Lulz.
So to sum up this chapter:
Still Walking
Pinkie Pie depressed
Discord makes Pinkie Pie more depressed.
Aw man, if the following chapters are gonna include the mane 6 going on a collective guilt trip, that'd be amazing to see.
I don't know if I'm a.. sadist?(is that the right term?) for wanting to see the ponies go through all that shame and guilt and have it burn into their consciences and whatnot.
4701132
And right now? He has prime material in the form of the supposed Elements of Harmony nearly bringing a sapient creature to suicide. It must be like a proverbial candy factory to him.
4701147 ...pretty much.
BUT...but...I'm doing something unheard of, revolutionary, something that is going to COMPLETELY change the way I write!
...I actually have a fucking plan for the next chapter. Never done that before.
4701158 Nearly?
They did bring him to suicide. He just sucks at dying.
4701132 He should write for Encyclopedia Dramatica.
4701217
He should take lessons from Kenny
Also yeah I know I should feel some sympathy for the ponies about to get attacked by discord but I feel a sense of justice
He dies, ponies go into a discordian apocalypse readers are moderately happy
OOOH! OOOH I GOT ONE! Something he has that ponies don't! He, if pushed far enough, and he's been pushed past this point, can bring himself to end the life of another creature, and shove any feelings of remorse and empathy out of his mind until he's in a safe place.
4701044
Discord being the good guy here I think is quite likely, not to mention hilarious. The irony that rounds it all off is the "villains" of this situation: the mane 6. With a chance like this, why wouldn't he be the good guy?
4701450 That is not likely. That mentality isn't something you are born with, but you are trained into. Besides, if he even had a scrap of training, this story would probably have never happened. Heck, he would probably be thriving up in Griffon territory or somewhere else by then of he went through Basic Training.
Well...reformed or not, Discord is the spirit of chaos and disharmony. It's in his very nature to upset the existing balance and reset all the equations. Ironically enough, regardless of his intentions (supposed lulz), there is every chance that Discord may be partially responsible for Jason's...reception in Ponyville, if only as a means of shining a very harsh, painful light on the cracks in the harmony that exists between the Mane 6. If they can actually manage to overcome this situation, they might actually emerge all the stronger for it...
Or maybe I'm overthinking things a little too much...
Jimmies status=
[ ] Rustled
[X] Unrustled
If there is one thing I want to see come from this story, it's Rainbow Dash get called up to Canterlot to "talk" to Celestia. Hell, even Discord would suffice if he can break her like he has the other two. Have a cookie
That's right, be "Glass half full" kind of guy!
4701904 I meant in the heat of the moment, like during an adrenaline rush... hell even then it probably varies person to person. But you are correct.
4702184 Still, this isn't something that can be given to one species. In truth, any sapient or sentient creature could remove their emotions during a life or death moment. It is what we call 'Instinct' or the 'Fight' of the 'Fight or Flight' response.
4702194 I hate being wrong. But yeah, I've done some very mild reading on the fight or flight instinct, part of where the original comment came from.
Looks like Discord found a way to cause chaos without doing anything. Drop a human in the middle of equestria with no way home after a crisis and then make Twilight doubt Her mentor and her most honest friend. But wow when I look at us we do kinda look like a diamond dog, compaired to a Equestria girls human.
4702002
Be glad your jimbobs are still unrustled, boy. There are things out there. Things that cause rustlestorms.
4704229 You must let go of your jimmies. Seek Unrustlement.
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And what better way to make sure no kill joys stop the party, than to make the Element Bearers doubt their own connections to the various virtues they supposedly represent. "Did to your ponies? Celestia, I didn't have to lift a claw, they did it all themselves. I just ate some popcorn and piled on from the peanut gallery at the climax."
Question, have the plunder vines hit, and the Tree of Harmony dropped it's box in this timeline?
Or ironies or ironies, Celestia sent Jason to Ponyville as a potential backup plan to stop Tirek. Oops.
Man, Discord sure knows how to milk a situation for all it's worth...
There is one thing he has that the Ponies don't and will never have. Human Ideas. Imagine all the Human inventions and technology he could share with them, all the machinery and doo dads that the Ponies have never even conceived. All he has to do is talk to the right Pony and he could bring Equestria into a new age of science.
Discord sure knows how to twist the knife. But even if that was a huge jerk move it wasn't inheritently evil. However in the long run he is up to no good.
Anyway, that is probably going to leave a lasting impression on Pinkie.
4706880 Perpetually Pissed Pink Pony is best pony.
Really, nothing? Nothing comes to mind? Its not like you're a member of the most enduring species ever. Its not like your species has this knack for living through basically anything, including self operating with no anesthesia, or is the only species on your home planet to engage in pursuit predatation, where you have so much endurance that you can literally just walk after your prey until your prey dies. You can keep up a steady pace for days at a time, just above walking, forcing your prey to run away constantly to avoid getting hit in the face with a spear. They have to expend way more energy because they can only go for short bursts, and rely on a far less effective method of cooling (breathing). Because of the amount you sweat you're able to maintain survivable internal temperatures, and never stop moving. You're like the fucking terminator!
"Healthy as a horse," what an inaccurate and poor statement. Horses die from the shock of broken legs all the time. You're a Human! You break a leg and keep walking on it! You lose a limb? "Oh well, I guess I had better stop the bleeding with my incredibly dexterous fingers, and then continue living because I'm too stubborn to die!" Suffer a particularly bad break? "Oh well I guess I had better cut myself open and screw a metal brace to my bones so I don't have to wait too long for it to heal on its own!" Not to mention boasting the most developed tastebuds on the planet. Humans can eat just about anything that is made up of biomass.
Not to mention that if you happen to wound a horse severely it generally falls over and gives up, or runs until it dies. A Human? Pah! Good luck! That thing is going to get up, give you the meanest glare you've ever seen, kill you, any of your comrades that happen to be nearby and, then probably still not have the decency to actually die.
And don't even get me started on the crazy levels of adrenalin that they get. I would seriously fear the Human who accidentally somehow ingested magic. That shit would probably be on the equivalent of PCP. Congrats, you just created a Juggernaut. Even in a world where unicorns and magic exist, and where earthponies are common, and pegasai can outspeed, good luck out persevering a human.
Zombies , you know those things that everyone is terrified of? Those things that are nearly unkillable, and lumber at you slowly, but you're pretty much guarenteed to die if they catch you? Imagine if they were smart, they were faster, they had the ability to hold a grudge, and they can track you almost no matter what, that's what a human is. Enjoy your nightmares.
I can understand Jason being so broken that he doesn't care about other people's opinions of him, but Gilda is still a complete fucking bitch in my book. She has no reason to lash out at him like this, except perhaps to indulge in some sick feeling of power. She behaves like a sadist with Tourettes IMO.
4704550
No! I will hoard all of muh jimbobs!
Ok, thanks to you now I know I'm insane... I just wanted to read more of Discord poking Pinkie's wound over and over...
So I got so caught up in the fun I was having in my last comment that I forgot to leave any criticism.
I remember reading your comments a while ago and they said something to the effect that you wanted the story to be dark, darker than cupcakes. That's a good goal, but I think that you're falling short in a very important way: your story isn't happy enough.
How odd right? That on a story that is attempting to be dark I would say that in order to be darker you need to be happier. It is actually ironic. But it actually makes a lot of sense once you think about it. If everything is dark all of the time, and sad, and messed up, then your readers come to expect it, and they have nothing to compare it to. It is the moments of light happiness that really give the darkness its scary and twisted feel. If its all dark all the time, then people become used to it, desensitised, and the darkness just comes "meh, so what."
The contrast within a story is incredibly important. For a whole fifteen chapters now you've relied solely on the happiness that we as readers know from the show, the light colors, the bounciness of the characters, you've played off of it all, yet you've never really had any contrast within the story itself, and it really is about time that you do.
In cupcakes the story gets away with its own darkness for a number of reasons, the first is that it is short, so there isn't much time to get used to what is happening. If cupcakes had another four chapters of pinkie killing her friends it would lose its shock value, and wouldn't have been nearly such a great story. Another major reason it can do it is that it maintains Pinkie's cheeriness through the experience, which offers incredible contrast to Rainbow as she starts to panic, and to the situation as things really turn into not just a gore-fest but also a psychological horror as we see into the mind of the happy giddy Pinkie as never before. It twists the happiness we felt coming from Pinkie into a perverse mess that makes us question every smile.
This story clearly is not cupcakes, and it shouldn't try to be. But if you want to really have a horror show, if you really want to explore the darkness in the hearts of not just your characters, but also your readers, you need to remind your readers what this story is comparing to. You need to show us some serious contrast.
Unfortunately you've really been pushing the dark angle for a long time now, and the story isn't at the easiest point to show contrast, but you still have an opportunity that you've built for yourself: Canterlot.
The main character is about to arrive in Canterlot, which gives you a number of opportunities if you do it right. My suggestion would be to first do a chapter in canterlot with celestia, a full chapter of just here sitting around, drinking tea or w/e you decide that celestia does. Show what a bright and happy place canterlot is, show its residents acting incredibly kind towards eachother, show what ever else you think would make Canterlot seem like a wonderful place, and make the ponies in it seem like wonderful ponies. Then, in a following chapter, show the main character showing up, and really capitalize on your symbolism, paint him in the minds of the ponies that you just showed, as a stain. As a horrible ink blotch in their otherwise pristine city. Alternatively you could keep painting Canterlot as a paradise, as a place of welcoming arms towards the main character, as somewhere that cares for his trouble, and then have the mane 6 show up and be the social pariahs, outcasts within society, the terrible spots that wont come off of their hooves ala Lady Macbeth. Worse yet is that after Canterlot has welcomed him, the Mane 6 could drive him (accidentally or on purpose) from there, from the one place that actually seemed to care. In order to do any of this though and have it be significant, you have to let the peace last for a few moments. Too quickly and it wont have enough of the contrasting effect to matter.
Anyway thanks for reading this really long comment, and have a wonderful day
4710962 You raise many good points, and rest assured I will take your input into account. A lot of it was things I never even thought of before, but would very much like to add.
4710962 i.imgur.com/ylJPBJ0.gif
Discord you douche...
I'm wondering why our MC isn't beating Gilda's skull in with a rock.
4710962 But the current situation for our human isn't quite as dark as before. He just made his first real acquaintance ever since he got to equestria, aside from the princess. Even though he still has his mental issues of feeling unworthy, useless and still considers jumping off a cliff, it's more in a mock tone now then before. Gilda was actually the first who wasn't a complete jerk to him, since their situations are comparable and he can relate to her.
Currently the situation for the human is becomeing more upbeat, he did suffer a lot already, so I find it pleasing that he has got something to look out for.
On the other side, the ponies now get their mistakes rubbed in the face by Discord, making them feel bad and guilty, whatever he hopes to accomplish with that we can't tell.
Which isn't really a bad thing, or dark thing, since it's simply justified by their prior, and for some still apparent, bad attitude towards the human.
I hope Discords motives are something surprisingly good for once, would be great if he could show up all the mane 6. Or this all, including the rising antagonistic behavior of Twilight, is to prove a point to Celestia? Perhaps he made a bet with her?
On a side note: Why are the chapters so short, it's causing me more pain to wait for them, then the human here experienced. ;(
4713566 Because unlike you he realizes hurting one of the few beings who seems to give even the tiniest of shits about him, and who could kill him quite easily given he's likely weak as hell due to his lifestyle for the past few years, is a HORRENDOUS idea.
Also the part where he gains nothing from doing that.
4708396 In his defense, he's really fucking depressed. Those are happy thoughts that someone so mentally down as he is is unable to think up for self-motivation.
you forgot a quotation, right there, at the end.
Playing Vietnam War inspired music to this.
Discord's the reason why the ponies hated Jason on the spot, isn't he?
>even when I ruled all of Equestria, I never managed to make a pony kill themselves
That should be a capital E (new sentence), and themselves → themself, since it is referring to 1 pony
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I forgot what I was going to say
Is he really?
I hope he leaves her behind.