Discord sipped through the crazy straw that circled around his body and ended at the drink he was holding up with his reptilian foot while the God Emperor’s flaming blade pressed against his throat. Putting on a pair of shades to shield his eyes against the blade’s bright sheen, he asked, “So, tall, dark, and roid-rage, you mind putting down the butter knife and act like an adult?”
“How dare you speak to me like that, you Chaos scum!” the Emperor hissed, pushing his blade closer so that it began sizzling Discord’s coat.
“I know, right?” Discord disappeared, leaving a small and quickly dissipating smoke cloud behind. Sitting on the Emperor’s shoulder now, Discord ruffled the disgruntled godly entity’s hair. “Usually I’m not the first to hop aboard the act mature train, but when I’m being threatened of my threat being cut out while simultaneously burned, I become the conductor.” Discord pulled his arm up and down several times and blew smoke out of his ears. “Choo, choo!”
The God Emperor attempted to swipe Discord off with a cleave of his blade, but the troublesome draconequus was already gone. “Damn you Warp trash!” the Emperor shouted, his head swiveling all about as his grip tightened on his blade. “When I get my hands on you, I’ll show you a fury that would put even the orks to shame!”
“Don’t you mean orc?” Discord asked, popping complimentary hors d'oeuvre in his mouth.
The Emperor thrust his sword forward, Discord’s only saving grace being his plate, which prevented the rest of the fiery blade from stabbing Discord in the gut. How exactly it did this was still up to the question.
“No, it’s ork! They make it a point to remind you of that! It’s really annoying!” The Emperor pushed into his thrust, turning the silver platter to molten liquid, but unfortunately there was no molten Discord as well.
Discord appeared next at Celestia’s side, eating some very well done mini wieners due to the Emperor’s handiwork. “I must admit, Tia, deary, your date is quite fun. Definitely worth popping over for a visit to meet. Along with these scrumptious wieners as well.” Discord chewed on another one and paused. “Wait… I thought you ponies were vegetarians?”
“Prepare to meet the jaws of death, you Chaotic piece of waste!” the Emperor screamed, taking to the air in an aerial attack. His sword was pointing straight downward, prepared to plunge right into Discord’s chest in a final strike. However, Celestia moved in the sword’s path, the scowl on her face more fiery than the sword.
“Geom, enough of this!” Celestia demanded, not budging an inch even as the sword neared closer.
The Emperor stopped in midair, the tip of his sword inches away from Celestia’s muzzle, the fires reflecting in her eyes. He dropped to the ground, slowly lowering his sword to the floor.
“Ooh, Geom! Is that Prench? Preek? Another ponified word of a country’s name?” Discord asked. “Ooh, ooh, how about Prussia? Wait, no, they untied under—”
“Quiet, Discord!” both Celestia and the Emperor shouted at once.
Celestia returned her attention back to her date, who was starting to lose some of his ruggish charm the more enraged his expression became. “Geom, would you mind explaining to me why you decide now would be a good time to attack one of my guests?”
“Guest?” the Emperor chided. He threw up a hand and pointed at Discord, who currently had a halo hanging above his head while he whistled an innocent tune. “He’s your guest? Do you make it a habit to have mass murderers and genocidal monsters over for a spot while you’re at it?”
Celestia furrowed her brow, and took a step forward, poking her hoof against the Emperor’s stomach. “Oh, so you think insulting my intelligence is going to excuse you for nearly killing Discord? Is that your game now?”
“Discord, do you know what’s going on?” Luna asked him, approaching closer.
Discord snapped his fingers, a bag of popcorn and extra large soda poofing in his arms. Taking a sip from his overpriced drink while he offered some of the popcorn to Luna, he shrugged. “No idea, but I can tell it’s already getting good. And to think, Twilight told me the Gala was boring and I shouldn’t show up. Ha!”
“My game certainly isn’t letting some abomination like him walk around freely, that’s for sure!” The Emperor glared at Discord with a gaze so malicious that if looks could kill, Discord would have been annihilated down to the smallest atom.
“The only abomination I can see here is a certain someone throwing insults all over the place and trying to behead my friends!”
The Emperor’s jaw dropped. He stared at Discord, who waved back along with Luna, both their mouths filled with buttery popcorn, then back to Celestia, then back to the duo and finally to Celestia once again. “That… that thing is your friend?”
“Weeeeeeeell…” Celestia scratched the back of her neck and coughed awkwardly.
“Oh, you betcha!” Discord slid next to Celestia and threw an arm around her shoulder, Luna already in his other arm’s grip. “Us three go way back! Sure, we kind of disconnected for a few centuries, but now we’re closer than ever before!”
“You can’t be serious. You just can’t.” The God Emperor held a hand to his temple and sighed deeply. “Do you have any idea what him and his kind are capable? Any at all?”
“I know he can distort the fabric of reality to suit his own needs and ends,” Celestia remarked, slinking out of Discord’s grip. “Also, he used to rule over Equestria as a tyrannical ruler before Luna and I put him out of commision. Which had to be done twice, actually, most recently by my student Twilight and her friends a while back. And even then, I gave Discord a second chance to prove his worth, which he did.” Celestia kicked her hoof on the floor and avoided the Emperor’s gaze. “Along with a third chance as well.”
“And even then, you consider him a friend?” the Emperor asked.
Celestia looked up at Discord, who was pouting his lip as his mismatched pupils grew ridiculously large. Luna was currently having trouble breathing while locked in Discord’s hold, but Celestia didn’t bother to notice.
Groaning under her breath, she muttered, “Yes, he is my… friend. I use the term as loosely as possible.”
Discord threw his arms around Celestia and sobbed in her shoulder. “Oh Tia, dear, I knew you cared, I just knew it!”
The God Emperor let out a long held in breath from his nostrils. Then, turning away from the pair, he slowly shook his head. “Then that is all I need to know.”
He started walking forward, not even bothering to look back. Shoving Discord to the side, Celestia called out, “Geom, wait, where are you going?”
“Anywhere but here,” the Emperor replied bitterly, voice as cold and sharp as a steel razor. “I thought this world was free of the Chaos’ presence, but it looks like I was wrong. Nowhere in the galaxy or universe will I be free of them.”
“But Geom, what about me?” she asked, stopping a few feet away.
The God Emperor stood still. Slowly, he glanced over his shoulder, eyes colder than the void of space itself. “I am sorry, Celestia, but we’re through.”
Celestia nearly collapsed to her knees. “Wh… what?”
“I cannot be in a relationship with someone who would possibly be on friendly terms with such a vile monster such as this Discord fellow. I’ve seen what the Chaos Gods do to those they acquaint themselves with. I have already witnessed too many good friends, comrades, soldiers, and even my own son become corrupted by Chaos. I won’t let another grow close to me when I already know they’ll betray me, just like all the others.”
“But Discord isn’t like that! He’s a Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, not a god!” Celestia explained, pointing to him. “Sure, he used to be evil in the past, and recently he was quite evil, actually, but he’s changed his ways… I’m pretty sure! But still, you can’t let him ruin such a good thing we have going, can you?”
“Oh hey, did he mention Chaos Gods?” Discord asked, his legendarily short attention span snapping him back in the conversation.
Celestia slowly turned her head towards Discord, eyes uncomfortably wide while her pupils were mere pinpricks. “Discord, I swear, if you don’t shut your mouth right now, I’m gonna—”
“Oh man, those guys. Real crazy bunch, am I right?” Discord chuckled and shook his head, sighing in content. “Man, I remember that group from college. They were the wildest frat house you could possibly imagine. Why, this one time, they threw a party so large and out of control, it caused over a dozen stars to implode! Ah, good times, good times…”
“See? You see now? He is nothing but a derelict monster with a soul just as black as the very abominations I made my life goal to fight!” the Emperor said.
Discord rolled his eyes, which popped out of his head before he caught them with his tail to throw them back into his sockets. “Oh please, I haven’t hung out with those four in forever. Although there’s a fifth you can I’m quite acquainted with.”
“I don’t care if you write each other letters. Those damned beings have been a thorn in my side for tens of thousands of years, and I refuse to associate with anyone involved with them!” The Emperor turned back around and continued on his way.
Celestia’s lower lip trembled as tears began to pool in the corner of her eyes. Looking to Discord, Celestia jumped on his chest and clench his neck tightly in her hooves. “Discord, do something to bring Geom back! Anything!”
Ignoring her chokehold, Discord arched a brow and crossed his arms. “Why me, since he’s your boyfriend?”
Celestia’s mane and eyes blazed into an inferno that put the intensity of the sun itself to shame. “Because if you don’t, I’ll make you beg me to turn you into a stone statue once I’m through with you!”
Gulping while both his eyebrows and beard burned to ash, Discord took out his flip phone from his ear and dialed a button, the beep of a call going forward being heard.
“Okay, easy now, burned draconequus fur is not something you want to smell. I just took care of all of our problems, so nothing to worry about.”
“Really?” Celestia asked, the fires in her mane dying down.
“Sure,” Discord replied, just as the beeping noise on the phone ended.
“Hello?” a eerily menacing voice asked on the other line.
“Yo, Khorne, what up? It’s Discord. You know, from college, remember?” Discord asked. “Listen, do you mind doing me a solid and calling up your bros to come down for a visit here in Equestria? I just ran into an old buddy of yours that’s just burning with excitement to catch up with you.”
“Sure thing, Discord. Keep it real,” Khorne replied.
“Word,” Discord said, before flipping the phone shut. Returning his attention back to Celestia, he smiled. “See, now with the Chaos Gods showing up, we can get them to explain to Geom that I’m not such a bad guy after all! They can definitely vouch for me!”
Celestia was staring while still atop Discord with her jaw dropping so low it nearly reached his chest. Luna was following her example, and any pony remaining in the Gala that hadn’t hightailed it out of there at the first indications of violence was currently doing the same. Finally, the God Emperor of Mankind himself turned back around, jaw dropping to the floor as the entire dance hall’s collective eyes were focused solely on Discord.
Rubbing his now beardless chin, Discord nodded. “Wait, no, don’t explain it to me, I see it now.” He sighed, slapping a hand to his forehead. “I forgot to mention to them to show up in formal wear only. Just imagine how embarrassing it’ll be for them once they show up!”
Oh, lord, this gon be gooooooooood.
...
You broke my mind, good sir. I'm not sure how, but I'll be picking the shards out of the carpet for a week.
Bravo, good sponge. Bravo.
Oh god no! This can only end in death or madness, probably both.
Well.
Well well.
Well, well, well...
Well.
sh!t
What? What? Discord? What? What?
Oh dear lord, this is going to be so strange...
Why do I have the feeling it turns out the Chaos beings have a gentleman's agreement about not poaching each others territories...and the fact that Discord has claimed Equestria as his - and his oath to Fluttershy never to betray her again - means that the Chaos Gods will never attempt to conquer it, and Discord no longer has interest in anything but having fun with his friends?
...I really hope that a happy ending is possible here.
Dammit Discord...
That went spectacularly wrong. On a scale of Hendersons, this would probably be close to a full Henderson if it wasn't planned. Then again, I don't know how integral Hastur is to Call of Cthulhu, since I'm not very acquainted with the mythos.
Old Man Henderson, if anyone's wondering? Fantastic story. The Director's Cut is awesome, and much longer, but reading the segments and then the directors cut doesn't at all spoil it. At least, not for me, since I was smiling the whole way through. Can find it with Google, it'll be on 1d4chan.
OH MY
… All FOUR Chaos Gods? Coming to EQUESTRIA?
Geom is NOT going to be happy.
I must say, the casual way that Khorne spoke with Discord was slightly off setting. I could see that being Slaneesh's way, or maybe (vaguely) Tzeench, but not Khorne.
That said, it was still enjoyable, and I'm looking forward to more.
4459030 sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/oh-shit-we-re-all-fucked-2.png
Maybe those four aren’t such bad guys when they’re off work? Maybe??
Dammit Discord!You had one job......ONE FUCKING JOB!
4459034
Nah, it works the same way as if Khorne was talking to Dranon from the Cultist-Chan comicverse. Also, Slaanesh would have made about sixteen innuendos in the same space of time. Because he/she's a slut.
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I love how relaxed Khorne was with him. Chaos gods can be so funny.
4458919 That's a very good theory but mine is that Discord is just so powerfull that the other chaos god just don't want to fuck with him
After all Geom just want all-out on him and....he didn't really care...at all
*singsong* Everypony haaates Diiiiiiis~!!
4459628
Now there's an idea.
How would Geom react to learning that the penultimate god of chaos, the penultimate foe he could ever face...was tamed under Celestia's direction?
Oh! Here's an idea! Have Fluttershy be there when Geom goes off on Discord again! Then she turns the Stare on him with the same speech she gave the dragon in Dragonshy. And then...
Discord: Mr. Emperor, this is Fluttershy. She was the first being in the history of ever to offer me friendship. She taught me how important friendship is. Now let me tell you something. One of those times I've 'betrayed' everyone and had to be reformed again? The only thing I remember about that?
I hurt her.
That image of her in tears, because of something I did? It will haunt me until the end of my days, and that will be eternity. I will never forget that my careless actions for fun or personal enjoyment could hurt someone I care about.
And now you've upset her.
Now you're feeling the full force of the Stare. And let me tell you, I know exactly what it feels like. I can resist it easily, but I still feel it. Now let me tell you this: it is nothing.
Whatever fear it is filling you with right now, that is nothing compared to what you will experience if you hurt my friends because of me. Especially Fluttershy, but any of my friends. Understand?
Hurting random people for fun? Conquest? Not my thing anymore. And as long as I have friends who are happy to see me and willing to put up with my quirks? Never will be again.
But all sorts of insane chaos in defense of my friends? Why, that's what I'm supposed to do. Now, will you reconsider what you said to Celestia?
Umm...Mr. Geom, sir? I know Discord has made some bad mistakes in the past, and done bad things...but he's good now. Do you think...could you please not hold his past against Celestia? If that's okay with you...
Discord: See? You cannot say no to that face. Seriously, you can't. If you do, she'll cry, and you don't want to know what I'll do to you if you make her cry.
4459763
I... kinda doubt Fluttershy could stop the Emprah from destroying Chaos, or give him any reason to accept Chaos as being normal. He IS 65,000+ years old. And most of that time has been spent wary of/facing/watching his people be destroyed by Chaos. That is a hatred that burns to the very core, rightfully so. Celestia's... like 3000-ish, unless she's the creator of Ponykind in this setting. Either way, you don't forgive the ally of the enemy that you've fought for a month, so how can you forgive the ally of the enemy you've fought 24/7 for 10,000 years without even the slightest break? And that's just while he was dead... during his time ruling he spent a great deal of time trying to keep his people from the corruption of the Dark Gods, as well.
No amount of cute or soul-piercing eyes can overcome the intense hatred of watching the enemy you cross swords with eternally, subverting and killing your subjects and children every single day, while the most you can hope to do is draw their attention away enough so those numbers lessen somewhat. The Emprah is justified in his feelings here. The fact that Discord was actually in league with the Dark Gods doubly so, instead of just being his own separate Chaos entity.
And then Celestia was Prince Solaris.
Also well, shit.
Oh fuck. Please tell me they're thinking of four other dark gods. Because if it's them we're all gonna die.
DIscord's idea of fun is turning the roads to soap, giving the animals REALLY long legs, and causing minor flooding.
The Dark God's idea of fun, I can't mention in a Teen story. But it's bad. Real bad. Makes C'Thulu seem nice bad.
Well... Shit
Man, I would hate to be that Bloodthirster. I'm pretty sure even Skarbrand would pause if he saw the Anethma on the field.
Discord...
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DISCORD DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE!!!!!!
oh lawd.
Yeah, just because Discord isn't as evil doesn't mean he's going to have good ideas. Still getting the hang of the whole "consequences" thing. To be fair, when causality seems like little more than a novelty, that can be tricky to grasp.
In any case, looking forward to more.
And once the Chaos demons and Marines show up the Emperor is going to call in his loyal Chapters/Legions and Imperial Armies and Equestria is going to become a war scarred world that makes Krieg look like a paradise... I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4459808 I'm warming up the Baneblades now. The Adeptus Astartes are ready to teleport to the Emperor's side and the Adeptus Custodes are prepped and ready to go.
4461633 Better gather the Primarchs and have a reenactment of the Battle for Terra.
4460528 He has initiated what is going to become a reenactment of The Battle For Terra is what he has done.
4459409 Never trust, rely, or depend on Chaos.
4460070 Time to call in my sons.
4459030 Not happy at all.
4458919 Except he did betray her. A heretic can repent for his sins, but a traitor? A traitor may never repent, a traitor may never ask for forgiveness, a traitor shall always be suspected, watched, and untrusted.
4461692 well you better call in the loyal primarchs and the astartes or else equestria is going to get steamrolled
4461713 I've got the Costodes ready and the Grey Knights and other Legions Terminators are ready to teleport in on my command. The rest of the Adeptus Astartes and the Imperial Armies are ready to deploy within a couple of hours.
4461732 awesome, oh and tell the ultramarines i said hi
Wow a frat party hosted by Slaanesh (amongst others) you know that's going to be epic.
Plus...
Discord! What did you do!
You know...this could still work. Maybe the Chaos Gods will have a nice civilized sit down with Geom and the ponies and calmly explain the difference between themselves and Discord. Yeah. It'll be totally chill. Absolutely nothing bad is gonna happen.
And afterwards, all the stallions in Equestria will become alicorn princesses. The moon will become a tricked out vacation spa. The Crusaders will get their cutie marks in everything going better than expected.
...
...
Totally.
4462656 Not on Hasbro's watch!
(AAAAAHHH! NO! Get away Hasbro pony! No, this is a comment shaming you! Of course I'm listening! What do you meanyou're going to kill him? I'm pretty sure it's a chick. No, don't murder whatevertheregenderis!)
ok wow
i expected something good
but not THIS good
oh and well... shit
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The Emperor preserve us... The Chaos Gods... ALL FOUR OF THEM!
... Well done Discord, we're all done for.
4299529
4461732
My lord, I am here!
Where do you need me?
BY CELESTIA NOOOOOOOOOOO! This is madness! Hopefully this will end with the chaos gods being dead.
You have no idea of what you are talking about Celestia. The Emperor may as well save your world from your ignorance by destroying it before he leaves. You'll thank him in the afterlife when you learn just what you were doing.
is the emperor describing himself?